A real man~

A real man will reassure a woman when she feels insecure & comfort her after a bad day. He'll inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; and forget regret. He'll make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room & will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincib...le..
No wait -SORRY, I'm thinking of wine. Never mind!

Less than dependable would be unacceptable

Yesterday while shopping at the grocery store, I came upon a toilet paper product I had not yet seen, called "Charmin--Ultra Strong". The packaging states, "For a Dependable Clean". What??? Softer, yes....that I need. Bigger rolls....great, that is definitely a plus. Larger packages....perfect--I hate running out. But a more dependable clean? Maybe it's just me.....but I am not even sure what that means. More dependable in what respect? I don't know about you, but for the most part, all toilet paper seems pretty much dependable. In fact, I cannot ever remember a time when I thought "gee, I sure wish this toilet paper was just a bit more dependable.....just can't depend on toilet tissue to clean the way you used to." But again....maybe it's just me.

and so I told him....

hey---my shoes always match! oh wait...not true. I once wore one black high heel and one navy high heel to work. It's hard to be taken serious as a therapist when you are sitting there in your chair, listening intently to the patient's problems, and suddenly you glance down and notice that your shoes don't match. Well, it was an honest mistake. They were the same type of shoe ....and it was dark in the hallway when i put them on. ...and navy does look a lot like black in certain light.

On an ordinary Saturday......

So....there I am driving along a Belgian country road and I come to a T---and right there ahead of me, just off the road is a big barn with several cows lined up in front of it. Behind the cows stands a man. That's strange......he is wearing a long, transparent bright pink plastic glove. What is he going .....what the.... the man is putting his hand into the cow's ass!....then in goes the wrist......then the forearm....then the elbow......and even a bit further! (if you are cringing at this point, imagine how I felt watching the scene. I am certain that involuntary cheek clenching occurred---by both me and the cow). Well, that was an experience I could have done without on a nice, sunny Saturday drive. Oh....and to make matters worse Barry White was playing on the radio...."I've Got So Much To Give". The whole experience was entirely disturbing.

Translation: "DANGER--NO! Do not put your hand inside of the cow" (Really!)

Note to Self--number 59

The soles of high heel shoes are made in a curved fashion with the heel elevated so that they sit properly on the 3 and a half inch heel. So although it seems reasonable to break the heel off one of your shoes when the other heel has snapped off (after gettting caught in a grate while walking in the door at work), this technique does not in fact work. You are not left with 2 nice flat shoes, but rather 2 very warped shoes that you cannot even walk on at all.

Note to Self--number 60
You look ridiculous attempting to walk around the office with 2 heeless high heel shoes. ...even on a good hair day.

Cat Man Do

yeah...this would be a lot funnier if it weren't TRUE. This morning my cat woke me in the usual manner--by head-butting me in the nose (hard). She did it numerous times, each time getting progressively harder. Where do they learn this stuff? (oh...and she can open doors too...by jumping up and hanging on the handle. Naurally she was not happy when we moved and the new house had mostly doorknobs instead of handles). So when I show up for work with a broken nose and wearing a lovely fur hat....you will know how the morning went.

A friend in need...

I received this message from a friend today...whose email account was obviously hacked. Below you will find her letter and my response to my "friend".

Tanya
I had to make an impromptu trip to Cyprus and right now I'm in a difficult situation and urgently need your help. Can you lend me $750, I'll refund you as soon as I get back this weekend and explain better to you. I know this may not be a good time to ask for such a favor but I just thought I could turn to you for help. I would be glad if you could keep this between us. Thanks.
Janine

Hi Janine
Thanks for writing and I would be happy to help you out. Before I do so I have a problem of my own I am hoping you can help me out with as well. Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Nigerian Chamber of Commerce and Industry, I need your help to transfer the sum of $47,500,000 (forty seven million, five hundrend thousand dollars) into your accounts. The above sum resulted from an over-invoiced contract, executed, commissioned and paid for about 5 years ago by a foreign contractor. This action was however intentional and since then the funds have been in a suspense account at the Central Bank of Nigeria APEX Bank. I am now ready to transfer the funds and that is where you come in. The total sum shared will be as follows: 70% for me, 25% foryou, and 5% for local and international expenses incident to the transfer. The transfer is risk free on both sides. If you find the proposal acceptable I will need the following documents.

(A) YOUR BANKER'S NAME, TELEPHONE, ACCOUNT AND FAX NUMBERS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.
So Janine--once you do this for me ....you won't even need to borrow the $750 from me--aren't you lucky that you turned to me for help! Sounds like a win-win for both of us doesn't it! So just send me the above info as soon as possible! And don't worry--as you requested, I will certainly keep this just between us.

Thanks Janine..and great hearing from you~

Tanya