my thunderstorm

from my email to you~

well, my thunderstorm is a combination of tumultuous thoughts and feelings...
... and yet in the midst of all this there are moments when i am completely overwhelmed by feelings of grace and humility~ simple moments when i feel deep gratitude for being alive. these moments come to me at surprising times--when i least expect them. like the other day when i was coming out of the store where i purchased a few items i needed for dinner with friends.........as i walked to my car with my bag of lettuce, french baguette, and icecream, i was suddenly flooded with feelings of gratitude.......in that moment i suddenly realized how lucky i am to be living a life where food comes easy and i have plenty to share. these feelings were so strong i had tears in my eyes. ...then last night when i went walking i saw a spectacular sunset. there it was..... lavendar, rose, and bright glowing orange....hovering above the wheat fields that shimmered pink in the glow and smelled faintly of fresh bread. and again that feeling swept over me, taking me by surprise. and i was suddenly very aware of how much i value my eyesight, sense of smell, and all my other senses. and how fortunate i truly am.

things to remember........

it is what it is.

be authentic. be yourself. be genuine.

choose to forget and forgive. let it go.

someone else's feedback should not reinforce your own self-doubts.

ask yourself......what is it i am trying to (or want to) master in life?

focus on what really matters to you.

make it happen........otherwise it's just a wish.

purge the negatives in your life.

bind together your successes and carry those around with you.

live your passion.

barry

our parents were close friends. we were born the same year. we grew up together. and we were playmates. i remember us through the carefree, giddy memories of a child... playing games, pretending to be cowboys and indians, playing with your cars, and my dolls....eating candy and icecream.....laughing and having fun always. i don't recall us ever arguing. in fact, when i see your young face in my mind, you are always smiling.

we only knew each other as children. you moved away before we were teenagers. we did see each other one more time...when we were fifteen. i remember those few days that we met again...thinking and feeling that you were so wonderful. during those two short days that we spent together, i knew that we could be great, life-long friends....if only you lived closer. but you had to leave.

and i never saw you again.

i bet you never knew that i have been looking for you over the past 10 years... that memories of you sometimes fluttered through my mind, evoking nostalgia and colorful images that always made me feel young again...that i was hoping i could find you so that we could talk and laugh again. i have been wondering how you are, what you are doing, and what kind of adult you turned out to be.

yesterday i found out that you died.

today i can't stop thinking about you and experiencing alternating feelings of intense sadness...that you are gone and i can never see you again....and overwhelming happiness...that we shared so many childhood moments together.

barry. i will miss you.

the perfect date

it is pouring here. it is so beautiful. and the sound on the roof and windows is almost sleep-inducing. i love this weather (which may explain why i love belgium and have stayed so long). i am sitting in my office at home....looking out at the castle and the forest around it. there is a lovely veil of rain clouding my view.....and it makes everything look softer. a distant rumble of thunder and an occasional, erratic flicker of lightning compete for attention (now we are talking my favorite weather). i want to sit and watch this forever......

she said.....he said

she said: as for me......i am on the edge....of good things....of change....of pain.....of confusion. these feelings are all one really. one feeling that is shattered like a glass--into many...many that lay around in my head, like sharp pieces. (careful where you walk). but it's all good. it's just the way of life.

he said: Watch the head with all that broken glass. Allthough it can bring luck too. Glass cuts two ways.

she thinks: (damn i love that)