There are some things I am very good at doing, and others that I accomplish in just a so-so manner. Then are the things that I am horrible at doing. And then, just below that are those things that I cannot do at all....that are completely foreign to me. Finding my way around the world fits into that category. I am always getting lost. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I even get lost going to places I have been to hundreds of times, because I will miss my turn, or will be in the wrong lane and unable to turn, or will get myself all turned around somehow begin driving in the completely wrong direction. Now, the GPS has helped a great deal. But there are times when I do not have the GPS, or don't turn it on (because in my delusional mind I think I actually know how to get someplace). So in any given week, I find myself, at least once or twice, driving around in a haze, wondering......Where the hell am I? Sometimes I just keep driving until I find something familiar, sometimes I call someone ---using the phone-a-friend option. (Dallas is usually the one to get the "Hi....I'm lost again." call).
Part of my problem is that I tend to daydream. Part of my problem is that I am easily distracted. But most of my problem is that I just have no concept of spacial relations in this world. For example, I often get lost driving around my own town. Now it is true that I have only lived in this town, this state, and even this country for not quite 2 years. But I can't use that as an excuse. The same thing happens to me anywhere. And everywhere. All the time. Just this week I got lost 3 times. Made a wrong turn here and there and Voila'! I am suddenly lost. I have been known to use my GPS to find my way back home when I am just a few miles away. Sad and pathetic....and true. I am famous for turning right when I should go left, or going straight when I should be stopping (i.e. I drive right past my destination). I pretty much have no idea where I am in relation to other things in this world. I not only get lost when driving.....I also get disoriented in large buildings or wide open spaces....such as when walking around my own neighborhood. Parking garages are another story....I think you probably get the picture by now.
I just recalled something my mother used to say to me when I was a kid..."Tanya, you couldn't find your way out of a paper bag." I think she may have been onto something.
Me: I think we are going the wrong way. Maybe we should have turned left instead of right back there. Should we drive back and find out? Or just keep going? This looks like a nice scenic route.
Ray: I thought you said WalMart is just down the road, less than 10 minutes away. (then quietly to himself)....I knew I should have driven.
Me: I think I was just driving this way because this is how I drive to work. I'm going to take this road here and cut over to where we should be.
Me: (15 minutes later).... Um, I think this road doesn't cut over. Well, if I just keep going we will eventually get there. It's right around here, I know it is.
Ray: This is the third time you have gotten us lost this weekend. How long have you lived here?
Me: Whatever.
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Me: Where do you want to eat lunch?
Gary: Arby's. Is there one around here, cuz I am STARVING!!
Me: Yep. Just down the street.
Gary: Great! Cuz I get really grouchy when I am hungry....and I am way past that point now.
Gary (20 mins later sounding irritated): Are we almost there? I thought you said it was close!
Me: Oh look, here it is......(pulls into Arby's)
Gary: What the hell.....this one is closed down! Can we just get something to eat please! (sounding angry now)
Me: Oh, sorry....I think I know where another one is......
Gary: (15 mins later, yelling a bit)....Do you even know where you are going? It feels like we are driving in circles.
Me: No we aren't! We are almost there!
Me (thinking): (Crap, where the hell are we?! I could swear I've seen that church 3 times now......)
Gary: Admit it. You are lost.
Me: Whatever.
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Me: I come to this mall every day at lunch time and I love this mall! It is huge! AND it has 2 really big food courts. Can you believe it? TWO!
Dallas: Really? That's different.
Me: I know!
(after 10 mins of walking)
Me: Look--that's the first food court. There are so many food options there. But let's wait til we see the second one before deciding where to eat lunch.
Dallas: OK
Me: (after 15 more minutes of walking): Here it is (points proudly)....the second food court!
Dallas: (stares at me blankly) Are you serious?
Me: Yeah. Why?...What?
Dallas: This mall is laid out in a big circle....this food court is in the middle of the circle. It is the same one we passed earlier.....we were just on the other side of the circle.
Me: Oh. Whatever.
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So here I my suggestions, based on my many years of experience, to those of you who may also be directionally challenged:
1. If you have a GPS --use it! No matter how short the distance or how easy you think it will be to get there....use it!
2. If the GPS tells you to go a certain way, but you think you know a better way, remind yourself of your directional deficiencies and listen to the electronic genius that is stuck on your windshield. It knows more than you. Really.
3. If you don't have a GPS and you stop for directions, WRITE THEM DOWN. Also have the person draw you a map. You will need both.
4. When you stop for directions, ask a woman. A man will never admit he doesn't know where something is. So he will simply give you directions anyway. Women are secure enough to simply say "I don't know".
5. Do not aspire to the following careers: mail carrier, one of those people who wheel patients around the hospital to their designated rooms, forest guide (or guide of any kind), taxi driver (or driver of any kind), or Girl Scout (you could get lost going door to door in your neighborhood selling cookies).
Getting lost as much as I do does have its advantages. I rarely have to give anyone directions......because when I am asked how to get someplace--- if the destination is not in a four block radius of where I am standing, I will usually reply that I do not know. (which of course is true)
For those of you who are also directionally challenged.....we ought to get together and start a support group.
No, wait....nevermind......we would all get lost trying to get there. Of course we could just meet in one of the two food courts.
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