My first American Christmas (well....my first in a long time)

I am so confused! Even Christmas in the US has changed since I left 21 years ago! Now I return to find the TV ads inundated with gift suggestions such as the Shake-Weight (have you SEEN that commercial?!.....it should have been rated due to its highly suggestive nature). And the Obama Chia Pet~ Nothing like a quality terracotta presidential head that grows real sprout hair. Perfect for a classy centerpiece or just give him a quick trim to enhance your salad. Then there is the Snuggie....and even better---the Slanket (blanket with sleeves). Are we now so lazy that we have to wear our bedding around the house, thereby never really leaving the warmth and comfort of our beds (meanwhile our asses grow exponentially). But my favorite new holiday tradition.....costumes for cars! Since when did we start dressing our cars up in Christmas costumes? I have seen cars with reindeer antlers and red noses, cars with lit up Christmas lights strung on them, cars decorated with bows, and cars with actual mini Christmas trees topping them. Hey people....remember HALLOWEEN? THAT is the holiday for costumes (and on kids...not cars). So ... eat some fudge, drink some egg nog, sing some carols, and send out holiday cards----but please... put away the Rudolph car costumes!
Thanks! and MERRY AMERICAN CHRISTMAS!

What Not to Wear

Festive Faux Pas

I thought I would be cute and send out Christmas messages via text this year. So I sent out messages to my friends, family, co-workers and even business associates (my lawyer, broker, dentist, and the vet we use). My message was to be simple, classy, and yet festive: "Feliz Navidad to you and your family!" Unfortunately my phone decided to auto-correct. And even more unfortunate.....I sent out the message before realizing that I had been infiltrated by that nasty spell-check-correct function. So my happy holiday message to all went out as "Feces Navidad to you and your family". If you are one of the lucky recipients of my Christmas Faux Pas.....please accept my apologies (if you can stop laughing long enough to do so).

Bust a Move!

 I can't get this song out of my head. Everyone else is walking around humming-- dashing through the snow....or chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Not me. I've got Bust a Move playing in my mind. (and nothing says "tis the season for baby Jesus" like Bust a Move.)

House-hunting in JAW-JA

Reader's tip:  To heighten your right-there-in-the-action experience, click on the link below (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yt9R0I3gSk) and listen while reading this blog.  You will feel as though you too are out there in the Georgian wilds....making your dreams come true.

I have spent nearly every day of the last 3 weeks with my realtor----looking at house after house after house.  I think I have seen every house for sale within a 50 mile radius.  So I have gotten to know my realtor very well.  Just so you get the picture.....she is not southern.  She is from New York.  And she sounds a lot like Fran Drescher (you remember...."The Nanny")  In fact, she sounds exactlylike her.  And the longer the day gets (and when she gets frustrated--- which is often)...her Fran-ness gets stronger and stronger.  I happen to do a great Fran Drescher (and realtor) imitation......so sometimes I will talk back to the realtor in her own nasally Fran-Drescher-y voice.  Just for fun.

The first few days of house-hunting everyone is very polite and formal and on their best behavior. But let me tell you---after 3 weeks of spending day after friggin day together, we are all pretty much our "real" selves.  So now that we have all let our hair down---house-hunting has become an experience.  Just yesterday Fran stopped at the gas station, went in to pay, and came back with a  giant pickle---you know, the ones that are the size of a small banana--(seriously. this is a true story).  But then she decided it really wasn't all that good and flung it out the window.  I had visions of some poor guy driving down the road and suddenly getting his windshield  smacked by a giant pickle. Try turning that into your insurance company.

And you know you are in big trouble when you are looking at a house-- that I admit was just one rung on the ladder above a trailer---and Fran begins "singing" the dueling banjo song from Deliverance.  Not a good sign at all. (Are you listening to it now?  Kinda gives you the creeps doesn't it.....that's how I feel every day while out with Frannie.  There have been moments when it feels like I am going to round the corner of a house and come upon Ned Beatty in the "squeal like a pig" scene.)

She then took me to her house (so I could see the type of house that I could never afford)..almost 10,000 square feet of marble, art work, statues, a wine cellar, a 20-seat theatre, and room after room after room.  As I wandered around (jaw dragging on the ground) I came upon a photo of a female body-builder---one with man-like bulging muscles and an ass that resembled two hardened mounds of concrete.  My jaw dropped about a foot further. It was FRAN!  REALLY??!!  Fran was a body builder?  Apparently my new jumbo-pickle-eating friend was indeed a mega-muscled maniac back in the day.

Yesterday I called her to get an update on a couple of houses and I got her machine.  "Sorry I am not available right now. I am out making someones real estate dreams come true."   Well that's nice.  Clearly not MINE...since I was on the phone with her recorded Fran Drescher-like voice rather than with her ---getting my real estate dreams fulfilled.  When she finally called back I told her that she needed to change her message----since clearly she was only making my real estate nightmares come true (remember the Deliverance- themed house in paragraph 4 above?)

Now, nearly one month and approximately 200 houses later.....my dreams have not yet come true Frannie. So please throw down your pickle and find me my house!   

More culture shock....these things did not exist when I last lived in the USA:

*I was in Rite-Aid.. or was it CVS?....or Walgreens?  It was one of those on-every-corner drug stores----and I was wandering around checking out all the stuff-you-never-need/want.  And there in front of me were....Press on Toe-nails!  Now, seriously--  Press/glue on plastic nails are bad enough--but stick-on TOE NAILS?!  So there I was staring at these fake toe-nails.  I was somewhat horrified and yet I found myself strangely drawn to look at them closer.  In the package there were two big nails and then a bunch of little ones to stick over your own toenails.   I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or run screaming with madness from the store.  

*What is the deal with all of the "As Seen on TV!" products?  Isn't pretty much everything "seen on TV"?  Seems like a tricky marketing ploy.  Why not try for "As Seen in the Mall!" or "As Read About Online!" or "As Seen in Your Friend's House" or "As Seen in This Store on This Shelf!"--all of those seem just as good.  

*(I love this one). Television commercials that go like this:  "Hey--ask your doctor about Superla-Anti-depression drug! Works great!  You will feel wonderful and happy and life will be so light and care-free!  However, Superla may cause leg cramps, heart problems, and brain tumors. Oh, and it might also result in dizziness that will cause you to lay in bed all day, blurred vision or blindness and explosive diarrhea and severe ass-rash.  You may also develop a rare blood disease, a skin condition with oozing sores or bleeding hemorrhoids.  But hey--you will no longer be depressed and will so feel happy that you won't care about all that stuff!  So ask your doctor about Superla today!

*Restaurants:  Can I PLEASE eat without being interrupted every 5 minutes by my server?!  I want to enjoy my meal and conversation with my dining companion without some loud waitress/waiter barging up to the table practically screaming "IS EVERYTHING OK? DO YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE? WOULD YOU LIKE DESSERT? ARE YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?  WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WRAP IT UP? HERE IS YOUR CHECK! DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT UP FOR YOU?"  He/she might as well add "DO YOU NEED ME TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR COAT?  CUZ YOU WILL BE LEAVING SOON, RIGHT?"  

And while I am on the subject of restaurants-- it seems strange, after living in the land of waffles for 14 years,  to come to southern USA and find a WAFFLE HOUSE on nearly every corner. Kind of odd.  It would be like having a Sloppy Joe Shack in the heart of the Grand Place in Brussels---completely out of place.  OH, and we passed a place yesterday called "Dutch Monkey Doughnuts".  What is that all about?  I was in the Netherlands almost weekly and I never saw a Dutch monkey (or any type of monkey).  And they don't have doughnuts there either.  (I tried to get Dallas to stop, but he refused---but I will be going back there to find out what a Dutch Monkey Doughnut is---so I willl keep you posted)

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