Reader's tip: To heighten your right-there-in-the-action experience, click on the link below (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yt9R0I3gSk) and listen while reading this blog. You will feel as though you too are out there in the Georgian wilds....making your dreams come true.
I have spent nearly every day of the last 3 weeks with my realtor----looking at house after house after house. I think I have seen every house for sale within a 50 mile radius. So I have gotten to know my realtor very well. Just so you get the picture.....she is not southern. She is from New York. And she sounds a lot like Fran Drescher (you remember...."The Nanny") In fact, she sounds exactlylike her. And the longer the day gets (and when she gets frustrated--- which is often)...her Fran-ness gets stronger and stronger. I happen to do a great Fran Drescher (and realtor) imitation......so sometimes I will talk back to the realtor in her own nasally Fran-Drescher-y voice. Just for fun.
The first few days of house-hunting everyone is very polite and formal and on their best behavior. But let me tell you---after 3 weeks of spending day after friggin day together, we are all pretty much our "real" selves. So now that we have all let our hair down---house-hunting has become an experience. Just yesterday Fran stopped at the gas station, went in to pay, and came back with a giant pickle---you know, the ones that are the size of a small banana--(seriously. this is a true story). But then she decided it really wasn't all that good and flung it out the window. I had visions of some poor guy driving down the road and suddenly getting his windshield smacked by a giant pickle. Try turning that into your insurance company.
And you know you are in big trouble when you are looking at a house-- that I admit was just one rung on the ladder above a trailer---and Fran begins "singing" the dueling banjo song from Deliverance. Not a good sign at all. (Are you listening to it now? Kinda gives you the creeps doesn't it.....that's how I feel every day while out with Frannie. There have been moments when it feels like I am going to round the corner of a house and come upon Ned Beatty in the "squeal like a pig" scene.)
She then took me to her house (so I could see the type of house that I could never afford)..almost 10,000 square feet of marble, art work, statues, a wine cellar, a 20-seat theatre, and room after room after room. As I wandered around (jaw dragging on the ground) I came upon a photo of a female body-builder---one with man-like bulging muscles and an ass that resembled two hardened mounds of concrete. My jaw dropped about a foot further. It was FRAN! REALLY??!! Fran was a body builder? Apparently my new jumbo-pickle-eating friend was indeed a mega-muscled maniac back in the day.
Yesterday I called her to get an update on a couple of houses and I got her machine. "Sorry I am not available right now. I am out making someones real estate dreams come true." Well that's nice. Clearly not MINE...since I was on the phone with her recorded Fran Drescher-like voice rather than with her ---getting my real estate dreams fulfilled. When she finally called back I told her that she needed to change her message----since clearly she was only making my real estate nightmares come true (remember the Deliverance- themed house in paragraph 4 above?)
Now, nearly one month and approximately 200 houses later.....my dreams have not yet come true Frannie. So please throw down your pickle and find me my house!
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