Letter to David, from David's dog (via me)

Dear David:
Get me out of this damn sweater!
1. as you can see by my expression .....i am not amused. in the future try to be more in tune to my body language.
2. could you have PICKED an uglier garment????!!
3. do i look i need a sweater....perhaps you haven't heard of it....its' called FUR!
Thank you
Lucy

Poland

I am back from Poland~ wow! Nazis, Communists, and then .....McDonalds. You've come a long way baby. Na zdrowie!

When I snap my fingers, you will.....

I recently had my second hypnosis show in Brussels. It was my best show so far with FANTASTIC volunteers! Here are the highlights (names have been changed to protect the innocent):
*I have everyone grab the sides of their chairs........and now--"Your hands are stuck to the chair!" Then I ask them all to switch seats. Craig and Rick tried to move by taking their chairs with them.
*"You have now lost the ability to sit down!" Then I instruct them to have a seat.....and the fun begins.
*"Each time I say the word 'hand', you will feel as though someone has pinched your ass....." Then I ask the audience to give them a HAND, and then I ask to shake their HAND, etc.
*"I have a tray of delicious, sweet, juicy oranges (actually lemons). And you are so thirsty and these oranges are going to taste so sweet and good, you are going to love them! When I say the word 'pizza'---you will realize that you are actually eating lemons not oranges." They then begin grabbing lemon pieces off the tray and gobbling them up.....til I say "pizza"............then they spit out what they are eating. (Craig asked for a napkin so he could wipe off his tongue)
*"Every time I say the word 'hot' you will become warmer and warmer....when I say the word 'cold' you will become colder and colder".......Rick took off his shirt, then when I said "cold" he tried to put it back on but Janet wanted to put it on and grabbed it. And they began a tug of war with the shirt. When Rick finally got his shirt away from Janet, he put it on ....backwards. And wore it like that the rest of the night. In the meantime Kathy and Craig were huddled together for warmth.
*"You now have some very sticky candy in your mouth. It is very gooey and sticky and it is stuck all over your teeth and the roof of your mouth. It will be very difficult to talk, but you will want to answer my questions." (their efforts to talk were hilarious!)
*"Now you smell a very disgusting smell. It is someone in the audience. You need to go out and figure out who it is.....don't worry--they don't mind if you get close and sniff them."
*"There are hundred dollar bills all over the floor....you get to keep whatever you can scoop up....you will want to stuff them in your pants, shirt, etc." They begin running around grabbing up imaginary bills. (I had to stop this part of the show when Craig and Kathy began fighting over the "money")
*You have lost your belly button. Go out in the audience and look around for it.....ask the audience some questions ---maybe they can help you find it. Rick to audience members: "Have you seen my belly button? It's this color (points to his skin on his arm). I really need to find it---my mother gave it to me." Kathy: "Hey---I know you two people have my belly button! I was sitting in this chair earlier, right here where you are sitting, and I had it then!"
*"When you hear the music medley, you will dance in whatever style music is being played. You are in a dance contest so you will want to use your very best dance moves." I then play a series of music.....disco, ballet, country, Irish riverdance, heavy metal.....(the ballet was the best when Craig began twirling and then leaping through the air)
*I have them take off their shoes and I place them in a large pile in the middle of the room. "Your shoes are now phones. When you hear the phone ringing you will run to the phones and try to find the one that is ringing. You have an important call so you need to find the right phone. (ringing sound begins) They all run from shoe to shoe picking them up and saying "hello", til the ringing stops.....then they have their "important call". (Kathy had a job interview and Craig was talking to his Commander)
*"You are in a band and you are about to play to thousands of screaming fans!" I then hand out a blow up guitar, wooden spoons for drum sticks, sunglasses and wigs. When the music starts---they play!
Thank you to my wonderful volunteers~ without you there would be no show!

The grass is always greener in someone else's teeth

For me, Leicester Square is the heart of London. It is packed with people, street performers, park benches, restaurants, nearby theatres and more importantly, Ben and Jerry's. We hang out there often to people watch and eat icecream. So, there we were sitting on a park bench in Leicester Square when a gentleman in his 80's (or possibly 90's) sits down next to us. He is wearing an expensive looking tweed suit with a matching tweed hat. Expensive looking but also antiquated.....probably at least 50 years old (and most likely the first nice suit he ever bought). He looks over at Dallas----(now I have to tell you that everyone talks to Dallas---EVERYONE--on planes, in stores, on the street, in restaurants, and in Leicester Square.). So the nice elderly gentleman looks over at Dallas and says (in a very proper, nasally English accent), "Excuse me....but could I ask you a question?" I immediately turn away, smiling---I know something good is coming. Dallas answers "Yeah, sure." (Now I am really smiling). The man goes on, "I just had a salad and I was wondering if I have anything green stuck in my teeth". He then bares his teeth at Dallas in a large grimacey-smile. At this point I am laughing out loud and really not trying to hide it. I also notice that a young guy on the bench across from us has been listening in and he too is laughing. We catch each other's eye and we begin laughing harder. Meanwhile next to me Dallas is closely examining Mr. Tweed's teeth looking for signs of greenery. "Nope, looks good" he remarks. "Why thank you", says Mr. Tweed, who then spends 30 minutes discussing how he hates to go anywhere with green in his teeth, and how the place around the corner does not know how to make a proper salmon sandwich, and how he meets his friends for tea every day at a cafe' and how Henry always brings some lemon because some of them like lemon in their tea and this cafe' does not have lemon......etc. Later that day ---in Leicester Square again--another guy (this one wearing a cap with the original price tags still hanging on it) starts up a conversation with Dallas. He begins by giving him a lecture on how important it is to be positive in life (true) and ends with how lucky we are that the aliens have not abducted us (hmmmm....also true). I was waiting for him to get to the part about how the aliens use anal probes on their subjects. Fortunately he never got to that point....

Confessions of a Former Punk

OK OK...I admit it . I was one of them. A Punker, New Waver, whatever. I don't care what you say---we were cool. So here I am circa 1985. (and I am still Punked out deep down inside---which explains my draw to Camden Town. I really love those Camden Punks)

London, London

We just spent a week in my favorite city, London. It was so nice to be able to speak English when ordering in a restaurant or asking for directions instead of engaging in our usual frantic charades. We did the typical stuff you do when in London.....went to plays (Wicked, Jersey Boys, Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat), visited the Tower Bridge, hung out at Westminster Abbey, shopped on High Street, sat on the steps people-watching at St. Paul's Cathedral, rode the red double-decker buses all over, and went to the markets--Camden Town being our favorite. I was first in London almost 15 years ago and have been there a dozen times since. I am always amazed at how Camden Town has not changed one bit. It really is in a time warp.... punk-rockers with 12 inch mohawks, hard-core bald guys with tatooed heads, crazy girls with hot pink hair and everyone wearing wild (usually all black) clothes looking like they are on their way to a Halloween party. It was this way in 1984 and it is EXACTLY the same now. The hip in-crowd seems to be under the illusion that they are avant-garde and cutting edge. I wanted to tell them that they are actually dressing very old-fashioned, at least in a Camden Town sorta way. In any case, they are just as jaw-dropping interesting-looking today as they were 15 years ago. And perhaps that is the point they are trying to make. Now, in spite of all the punk-coolness going on in Camden Town, the rest of London seems oblivious to style and taste. About 90% of the people in London could be featured on the show "What Not to Wear". Just maybe this is exactly the reason that the Punks (or whatever they call themselves today) have stuck to the same style for 15 years......because it keeps them from falling into the current fashion statement of Today's London: the "I just blindly grab stuff out of my closet to wear" style, or the other style frequently seen--"Today at work they had a 'most hideously dressed' contest, and I WON!". But all of this just adds to the charm (and hiliarity) that is London. So for me--Camden Town is the real London.

hair today...gone tomorrow

a few hair tips for the europeans (or anyone for that matter):
*if you wear a comb-over, please do not drive a convertible with the top down. your 18 inch (now vertical) wall of hair just flaps all over the place .....not attractive and it upsets the kids (you could cause an accident)
*if you choose to go au naturel and not shave your legs, do us all a favor and DO NOT wear stockings. it is actually creepy to witness leg hairs long enough to be braided sticking through a sleek pair of stockings like a bunch of grotesque spider legs. (hey--even drag queens know enough to shave their legs when they wear stockings)
*if you go even one step further on the au naturel ladder ....and don't shave your armpits, then PLEASE do not become a hairdresser who prefers to wear tank tops. when i get my hair cut by you, it is disturbing to see more hair in your pits then on my head.
*if you have a hairy chest that resembles a tangled briar patch, please cut that mess! trim back the jungle mister! (by the way, the pet hamster you lost last winter......he's in there hibernating)

It's always nice to match your accessories (literally)

Berlin

We visited Berlin this year for the first time. we found that it really is like no other German city. all of the quaintness and cuteness is gone. it bears no resemblance to the half-timbered, flower-laden, lederhosen wearing German towns we have visited so many times before. Berlin is a big, modern city that has pushed its way into the future.....the two sides of the city are now blended and the wall that separated them is only a blurry line now, barely discernible. (actually there is line that now traces the path of the defunct wall). the East proudly displays capitalism on every corner, although it still has the imposing grey drab stalinesque communist architecture that seems to announce "hey, look! we were oppressed ....let's not forget that!". and just when you begin to wish they would tear those buildings down and build something more eye-pleasing, you go to the museum of the Wall and realize just how much Berliners have endured. and you then understand the importance of these reminders that lay around the city. and there are many reminders....many things to remember. Berlin was hard hit in WWI.....at the worst point of the inflation after the war, one dollar was worth about 4.2 trillion marks. (too bad I didn't get that exchange rate when I lived there!) after the first world war, they were ruled by the Third Reich and the Nazis, then post war, the city became divided--separated by an ugly uncaring concrete wall that ripped families, friends, and neighbors apart. half the city fell under a communist government. actually, the communists sorta had the right idea: everyone is equal....everyone has a right to the same benefits in life. however, as we all know, it takes more than one great idea to form a successful government. the vision of equality is a good one, but not when it is offered without freedom, without choice. you can still see some remnants of oppression in Berlin. they are very moving and sad and tend to feel like a slap-in-your-face-wake-up-call. however, what is very evident is that although Berlin has not forgotten its troubled past, it is moving full force into the future! it is exciting, lively, friendly, polished....you can feel the vigor of its people pounding around you as you walk the streets of this city that has endured, survived, and emerged. a true butterfly.

He asked: Who came up with the word "dingleberry"?

My answer: since you asked....dingleberry is a slang term for the unfortunate condition of fecal matter being caught in the hair or fur of an animal or human around the region of the rump or buttocks. it generally occurs when the afflicted are unable to wipe or remove excrement from the nether regions and the matter dries. they occur on animals, especially those with thick coats or with people who have the inability to wield toilet paper in an appropriate manner. animals such as long-haired cats, dogs and sheep may have to have the offending berries removed by trimming hair to prevent other nasty things occurring such as fly problems. humans (mostly male as they are the more hairy) can wax or shave the hair or learn to use toilet paper properly. another piece of advice is to use expensive toilet paper as it does not disintegrate and leave behind debris that may become dingleberries. using a bidet may also help. (hey....I have 2 in my house!)
oh wait.....you asked about the word origin!....well..the word is not featured in the Oxford nor Chambers dictionaries but the word dingle is, and may give some clue as to the word's origins.
there is also a Dingleberry Lake in California. odd but true.
and now----I bet he is sorry he asked!

PMS

whenever we hear those 3 letters we have a reaction. we instantly recall the most recent episode.....or the most debilitating one--rife with backaches, head-splitting migraines, cravings that are irrististable, punch-you-in-the-gut cramps, the urge to crawl into bed to hibernate and of course the sad-mad-glad rollercoaster ride. men too react to any utterance of those 3 letters......usually by running away.....fast. hey look---we can't help it. we don't exactly choose to have monthly psychotic episodes. but men just don't understand. and they are not exactly sympathetic either. my husband says my head spins around --(i think he likens me to the girl in The Exorcist). even if i try to talk about PMS, he puts up his hand and says "that sharing thing you're doing......don't do it." now i am certain if men had to endure PMS (even in its mildest form) it would be a different story. oh sure-- you can bet that we would have to listen to endless whining and complaining about the physical pain, and hear how insensitive we are to their plight, and we would have to make them special PMS chocolate meals, and their bosses (male of course) would give them special PMS sick days so they could stay home in bed, and they would send us to the store to buy their peenie pads and special male PMS medicine (invented and recommended by male doctors)....etc. yes, it would be a different world altogether wouldn't it.....

Mar 3

lunar eclipse
right now--at this very moment i am staring at the most beautiful moon i have ever seen. it is a rare full lunar eclipse and sun's beams are refracted through the earth's atmosphere bathing the moon in an amazing reddish glow---so very cool. europe is one of the continents with the best view of this incredible event. i hope you are watching it too....

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

he said "you have an ass like J LO"........i smiled. um...wait.....or did he say..... JELLO???!

food for thought

my PMS diet:
breakfast: chocolate drink, chocolate waffles with chocolate sauce
mid-morning snack: chocolate bar
pre-lunch snack: hershey kisses (as many as needed)
lunch: chocolate chip bread with chocolate spread, chocolate milk, chocolate cookies
mid-afternoon snack: chocolate wafer
dinner: chocolate casserole, mashed chocolate with chocolate gravy and chocolate pie a la chocolate mode