a very scary story.....

it was a bit dark..and so as I walked past the large picture window and briefly glimpsed the reflection in the glass, I was startled and a bit frightened---someone was following me. I felt the fear creep up my back and just as my nerves began to jump, I looked again......nobody was following me----turns out it was just my big ass. ...there behind me. (and that is even more frightening...)

My Life of Daily Humiliation

Note to Self: In the future, when changing clothes in your office at the end of the day and carrying your work clothes to your car.... please carry lingerie such as your stockings, in your purse, preferably in an enclosed and zippered pocket.
Work tip for the day: It is very unprofessional to stand around with co-workers laughing about the pair of worn stockings laying on the ground next to the Commander's office door...(particularly when you later discover that they are YOURS)
.... my entire department (including me) spent the whole day laughing about the stockings laying by the Commander's door.... Finally, at the end of the day, someone picked them up. But it wasn't til I got home that night..... putting away my clothes that I noticed that MY stockings were missing.....uh oh. Just another incident where my dignity is slaughtered and laid out for all to see.

Dog Eat Dog

What's worse is I have seen similar behavior exhibited by Dallas over a slice of pizza.

Youtube Debut

Green Day Concert: My 3-second debut on youtube--Great concert! ....I peek into the camera and then look away disgusted---must be due to the crazed sweaty guy jumping up and down next to me (my brother).

VIP passes courtesy of my life-long friend Nancy and her brother

Reasons I love PMS hot flashes

1. Summer clothes are cheaper than winter sweaters and coats. So you can just wear summer stuff all year 'round. Better yet, join a nudist colony and save on clothes altogether.
2. You always have a nice reddened flush to your face (as if you just exited a burning building)
3. All that heat generation must be burning an incredible amount of calories.
4. Good excuse to eat something cold......like icecream.
5. You get extra exercise by taking your sweater on and off and on and off and on and off.
6. The winter heating bill is very low (since the heat is now permanently off in order to keep the house at a near freezing level).
7. Terrycloth sweatbands are bound to come back in style soon.
8. Nobody notices sweat stains when your entire shirt is soaked. The uniformity of the sweat just makes your clothes look one shade darker.
9. You can convince everyone that you are really into working out .....whenever you are hot and sweaty just state "yeah, just got back from the gym...had a great workout".
10. Save money not buying deodorant. It no longer works anyway.....

Sleep deprivation gone awry

I was so tired this morning that instead of shower gel...I put Pantene conditioner on my bath sponge. Well, at least my skin will be manageable and shiny. (hey...it was an honest mistake--the bottles ARE both white with a blue cap!)
And hey---it coulda been worse.....at least I didn't brush my teeth with Vagisil.

A very special Thank You

Dear Facebook~
Thank you so much for sending out (without my permission) those 444 invitations to all my contacts inviting them to join Facebook. It was so exciting today when I was looking at my contacts, searching for a few close friends to invite to Facebook, to suddenly see....."CONGRATULATIONS ! You have successfully invited 444 friends to join Facebook"
(I swear I didn't click on a thing). Since Gmail stores everyone you have ever emailed as a contact---- EVERYONE I have ever emailed in the last decade has now been invited (by me)to join Facebook. And they all received a nice formal email invitation with my current photo right there, embedded in the invitation (just in case they need the face to go with the name....). This included so many wonderful people, such as.... my gynecologist, my lunatic neighbor, one of my paranoid patients, my evil co-worker, the Count de Lichtervelde (my landlord),the crooked company I recently complained about, ebay helpdesk, the entire HR department at work, my lawyer's secretary, the medical technician who does my annual mammograms (cuz you know I want HIM on my Facebook page!) as well as the 226 people who have sent me spam in the the last 3 months. I am sure they are all as thrilled as I was to see that invitation to join Facebook and the special request to be my "friend". So thanks again for making sure that all those whom I never want to hear from again, will be posting messages to me on Facebook daily and viewing all my personal photos and notes. (hey--- maybe even my gynecologist will post some as well...)
I am now going to bed..wishing I could click "undo"

Third Hypnosis Show in Brussels~

Verrrrry funny show tonight!
Just a few of the new things I added to my routine...
*A funny thing: When I wake you, you will see the most hilarious thing happening in the audience. But you cannot laugh until I say the number 5. (wake them) 1 (they are covering their mouths trying hard not to laugh), 2 (it's getting harder to contain the laughter), 3 (I hear some barely contained noises), 4 (I think they are going to lose it), 4 and a half (I am so mean) and FIVE! .....They bust out laughing hysterically and uncontrollably. They are laughing so hard they are even unable to tell me what it is that they see that is so funny.
*Child's Play: When you wake you will have your favorite childhood toy with you. In fact, you are now a child and you will enjoy playing with your favorite toy (theme from Sesame Street begins to play).....So what are you playing with? Answers: HE-MAN, Barbies, my first dolly, and my drums.
*When you wake you will be a jockey riding a horse in the Kentucky Derby. Your chair is your horse.(lone ranger theme begins)...and they are OFF!
*Domino Effect: When I say "tail feathers" you (volunteer #1) will jump up and cock-doodle-doo like a rooster, when you (volunteer #2) hear the rooster, you will jump up and say "Who's your Daddy" and give yourself a little spanking, when you (volunteer #3) hear "Who's your Daddy" you will jump up, twirl around like a ballerina and yell "Weeeee", when you (volunteer #4) hear "Weeeee", you will jump up click your heels together and say "there's no place like home".
*Magic Finger: When I touch your finger with the tip of my finger, I am going to give you some of my hypnotic power......then you will go and touch the forehead of the rest of the volunteers and put them to sleeeeep with the touch of your hypnotic finger. (when she is done)....OK, now sit down, but watch out----your finger wants to touch YOUR forehead, but you don't want to go to sleep right now....but you can't avoid it----here it comes.....
*Trip around the world....First we go to the Caribbean (you are a fish!)...next to Italy (you are a pizza maker).....next to Russia (you are a ballerina)....next to California (a surfer!)...and lastly to India (belly dancer)
*You are in a "Best Butt" contest....when the music starts you will show the judges why you should win this contest. (music by Sir Mix A Lot---"I Like Big Butts")
*You are in a Russian Vodka commercial...and you speak fluent Russian. Now...sell that Vodka!
*You are driving a sports car....your favorite car...(Born to Be Wild is playing)...hey check the mirror, you look goooood, hey look there is a hot babe pulling up next to you....flirt a little....now get into the music while you cruise along.....
*When you wake your name is Sherlock Holmes. Anytime I ask you what your name is, you will respond "My name is Sherlock Holmes". You will do this using your best British accent.
This show was fun and the volunteers fabulous! A big THANK YOU to them!

Sibling rivalry taken to new heights (i.e. my revenge for all the things you did to me when we were kids)

At the French/UK border...and so the Bobbie said, "what I am really interested in is those shoes" (points to my brother's VANS). Apparently smugglers cut the soles out and use them to smuggle drugs. Of course I readily offered for them to strip search my brother--I even encouraged a cavity check. One cop looked at the other and snickered..."You can tell she is his sister...only a sister would offer up such things....poor bloke!"

I love Belgium weather! So don't parade on my rain~

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly--Part II

The Good: I have lost 5 pounds.
The Bad: I had to get a haircut--my hair was long and shaggy AND I needed to shave my legs AND I had to trim my toenails (as they were beginning to slice slits through the front of my shoes).
The Ugly: I have a dreadful feeling that there is some correlation between these "good" and the "bad" events .....and that's rather ugly don't you think.

 

A Belgian driving lesson

When I first arrived in Belgian, I noticed that Belgian truckers were often flashing their lights at me. I immediately thought they must be warning me of an upcoming speed trap. How thoughtful! hmmmmm.....nope, no speed traps. Wait...maybe they are just annoyed with me....am I going too slow? too fast? ....I don't think so. Oh my god...did I leave my lunch on the top of the car again??? (she thinks for a moment). No--I didn't pack a lunch. Why the hell are these truckers always flashing their lights at me? (so now I start paying more attention to these light-flashing drivers). Hey....he is smiling at me and waving......so I ask Dallas that evening, "do truck drivers ever flash their lights at you?". He says, "no, never". Now I think I understand.
The next week a coworker tells me that a truck driver was flashing his lights at her. She immediately thought "something must be wrong with my car!"---so she pulls over at the next rest stop and gets out to examine her car. The truck driver pulls in behind her. "So what's wrong? Is there something wrong with my car?", she says to him. "Mais non" he says (in thick French accent)...."would you like to have a drink?" Puzzled, she looks around....."um, well, where?" (no restaurant at this rest stop)...He flicks his head over at his truck. "In my truck, we can have ze drink". Embarrassed and a bit panicky, she scampers to her car, jumps in, and drives away. (I know what you are thinking....NO---this was not me)
So girls when the truckers flash their lights at you, this is Belgian road talk for "Hey Baby, wanna light my fire?" Sometimes I wave at them or smile. But I was thinking the other day--- this could put a whole new spin on hooking. Forget street walking---simply drive around on the Belgian highways. Believe me ...you would get picked up fast and easy. And then you could simply join the trucker for a "drink in ze truck". Hey---you wanted a job in Europe that involves a lot of travel didn't you?

The best fall drive ever

The drive home from the Netherlands today was so beautiful. The sky was smoke grey with billows of clouds that stretched from the horizon to what seemed like the top of the sky. But in spite of this dark sky, the sun was burning bright from behind me, as if it were a spotlight for my special show.....the performance of the trees....green, gold, yellow, orange, red and a burnished brown--all lit afire spectacularly. Then I passed by the enormous windmills, sitting on the hillside, turning silently and lined up like giant birds on a wire. When I was almost home, I rolled the windows down to feel the cool air. It rushed in quickly and brushed my cheeks and then whipped my hair around my face and I could see my hair flying on the wind all around me--looking the same color as those fiery red leaves along the road. I love fall...

Helpful French phrases

My brother is coming to visit so I sent him this list of helpful French phrases~
*Bonjour (Hello/Good Day)
*Parlez-vous Anglais? (Do you speak English?)
*Oui/Non (Yes/No)
*Desole (I'm sorry)
*S'il vous plait (please)
*Merci (Thank you)
*Au revoir (Goodbye)
*Combien? (How much is it?)
*Je suis perdu! Savez vous ou habite Tanya? (I am lost. Do you know where Tanya lives?)
*Ou sont les toilettes? (Where are the toilets?) and then you might need.....
*Je n'ai pas d'argent....est ce que je peux pisser gratuitenent si il vous plais?! ( I have no money...can I pee for free please?!)
*Je suis tombe et je ne sais pa me relever!! (I've fallen and I can't get up!)
*Bonjour! Etes vous celibataire et riche? Vous demandez combien? (Hi! Are you single and rich? ....You don't charge do you?)----This phrase may be particularly useful in the red-light district.
*C'etait un tres bon diner! Ai je des escargots entre les dents? (That was a great dinner! Do I have any snail in my teeth?)