hair today...gone tomorrow

a few hair tips for the europeans (or anyone for that matter):
*if you wear a comb-over, please do not drive a convertible with the top down. your 18 inch (now vertical) wall of hair just flaps all over the place .....not attractive and it upsets the kids (you could cause an accident)
*if you choose to go au naturel and not shave your legs, do us all a favor and DO NOT wear stockings. it is actually creepy to witness leg hairs long enough to be braided sticking through a sleek pair of stockings like a bunch of grotesque spider legs. (hey--even drag queens know enough to shave their legs when they wear stockings)
*if you go even one step further on the au naturel ladder ....and don't shave your armpits, then PLEASE do not become a hairdresser who prefers to wear tank tops. when i get my hair cut by you, it is disturbing to see more hair in your pits then on my head.
*if you have a hairy chest that resembles a tangled briar patch, please cut that mess! trim back the jungle mister! (by the way, the pet hamster you lost last winter......he's in there hibernating)

It's always nice to match your accessories (literally)

Berlin

We visited Berlin this year for the first time. we found that it really is like no other German city. all of the quaintness and cuteness is gone. it bears no resemblance to the half-timbered, flower-laden, lederhosen wearing German towns we have visited so many times before. Berlin is a big, modern city that has pushed its way into the future.....the two sides of the city are now blended and the wall that separated them is only a blurry line now, barely discernible. (actually there is line that now traces the path of the defunct wall). the East proudly displays capitalism on every corner, although it still has the imposing grey drab stalinesque communist architecture that seems to announce "hey, look! we were oppressed ....let's not forget that!". and just when you begin to wish they would tear those buildings down and build something more eye-pleasing, you go to the museum of the Wall and realize just how much Berliners have endured. and you then understand the importance of these reminders that lay around the city. and there are many reminders....many things to remember. Berlin was hard hit in WWI.....at the worst point of the inflation after the war, one dollar was worth about 4.2 trillion marks. (too bad I didn't get that exchange rate when I lived there!) after the first world war, they were ruled by the Third Reich and the Nazis, then post war, the city became divided--separated by an ugly uncaring concrete wall that ripped families, friends, and neighbors apart. half the city fell under a communist government. actually, the communists sorta had the right idea: everyone is equal....everyone has a right to the same benefits in life. however, as we all know, it takes more than one great idea to form a successful government. the vision of equality is a good one, but not when it is offered without freedom, without choice. you can still see some remnants of oppression in Berlin. they are very moving and sad and tend to feel like a slap-in-your-face-wake-up-call. however, what is very evident is that although Berlin has not forgotten its troubled past, it is moving full force into the future! it is exciting, lively, friendly, polished....you can feel the vigor of its people pounding around you as you walk the streets of this city that has endured, survived, and emerged. a true butterfly.

He asked: Who came up with the word "dingleberry"?

My answer: since you asked....dingleberry is a slang term for the unfortunate condition of fecal matter being caught in the hair or fur of an animal or human around the region of the rump or buttocks. it generally occurs when the afflicted are unable to wipe or remove excrement from the nether regions and the matter dries. they occur on animals, especially those with thick coats or with people who have the inability to wield toilet paper in an appropriate manner. animals such as long-haired cats, dogs and sheep may have to have the offending berries removed by trimming hair to prevent other nasty things occurring such as fly problems. humans (mostly male as they are the more hairy) can wax or shave the hair or learn to use toilet paper properly. another piece of advice is to use expensive toilet paper as it does not disintegrate and leave behind debris that may become dingleberries. using a bidet may also help. (hey....I have 2 in my house!)
oh wait.....you asked about the word origin!....well..the word is not featured in the Oxford nor Chambers dictionaries but the word dingle is, and may give some clue as to the word's origins.
there is also a Dingleberry Lake in California. odd but true.
and now----I bet he is sorry he asked!

PMS

whenever we hear those 3 letters we have a reaction. we instantly recall the most recent episode.....or the most debilitating one--rife with backaches, head-splitting migraines, cravings that are irrististable, punch-you-in-the-gut cramps, the urge to crawl into bed to hibernate and of course the sad-mad-glad rollercoaster ride. men too react to any utterance of those 3 letters......usually by running away.....fast. hey look---we can't help it. we don't exactly choose to have monthly psychotic episodes. but men just don't understand. and they are not exactly sympathetic either. my husband says my head spins around --(i think he likens me to the girl in The Exorcist). even if i try to talk about PMS, he puts up his hand and says "that sharing thing you're doing......don't do it." now i am certain if men had to endure PMS (even in its mildest form) it would be a different story. oh sure-- you can bet that we would have to listen to endless whining and complaining about the physical pain, and hear how insensitive we are to their plight, and we would have to make them special PMS chocolate meals, and their bosses (male of course) would give them special PMS sick days so they could stay home in bed, and they would send us to the store to buy their peenie pads and special male PMS medicine (invented and recommended by male doctors)....etc. yes, it would be a different world altogether wouldn't it.....

Mar 3

lunar eclipse
right now--at this very moment i am staring at the most beautiful moon i have ever seen. it is a rare full lunar eclipse and sun's beams are refracted through the earth's atmosphere bathing the moon in an amazing reddish glow---so very cool. europe is one of the continents with the best view of this incredible event. i hope you are watching it too....

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

he said "you have an ass like J LO"........i smiled. um...wait.....or did he say..... JELLO???!

food for thought

my PMS diet:
breakfast: chocolate drink, chocolate waffles with chocolate sauce
mid-morning snack: chocolate bar
pre-lunch snack: hershey kisses (as many as needed)
lunch: chocolate chip bread with chocolate spread, chocolate milk, chocolate cookies
mid-afternoon snack: chocolate wafer
dinner: chocolate casserole, mashed chocolate with chocolate gravy and chocolate pie a la chocolate mode

tips for 2009

Note to the French: chocolate is a dessert. cheese is not. please stop trying to serve it to me as one.
Note to Self: chocolate is not a meal. please stop trying to pretend it is.

New Year Goal

I am going to write my memoir....it will be titled~"my life with cat vomit"

why i am a night person

7:00 alarm goes off. hit snooze.
7:08 alarm goes off. hit snooze (can skip breakfast).
7:15 alarm goes off. push cat off head. hit snooze (can take a really quick shower).
7:23 alarm goes off. wipe cat drool off neck. hit snooze (can really hurry).
7:31 alarm goes off. crap. I'm going to be late! throw back covers. (cats go flying). jump out of bed.
7:38 finish quick shower. dig through ironing basket in hopes to find something with minimal wrinkles. find skirt and sweater.
7:47 dry hair. use extra gel as hair has static and little pieces are sticking up on top of head. (why do I have little short pieces of hair all over the top of my head?) realize that cat kneading head with claws every morning has probably caused broken hair. curse cat.
7:55 look for contact lens that has been inserted but somehow has disappeared into the nether regions of eyeball.
8:00 locate contact stuck to wrist.
8:02 put on makeup trying to ignore cats clawing at legs and biting ankles.
8:06 give up. feed cats.
8:09 back to makeup. what the...... oh great. where did that big red blotch come from? try unsuccessfully to cover red blotch with heavy makeup.
8:13 clean up cat vomit.
8:16 clean up additional cat vomit. curse cat.
8:19 put on tights. why is the crotch at my knees? dig through drawer for another pair. while putting on tights, fingernail punches through and makes big hole in thigh. put on skirt to see if hole will be covered. hole is just below hemline. curse tights.
8:23 frantically look through drawer for another pair of clean tights. find old pair in back of drawer. (only have hole in toe. fine)
8:25 get bag. look for keys in bag. no keys. search house for keys. no keys.
8:32 call husband's cell phone to ask if he has seen keys. he hasn't.
8:33 still no keys. consider calling in sick (could stay home and clean house that is now torn apart due to looking for keys).
8:35 find keys. (in coat pocket)
8:36 go to fridge for protein/health beverage to drink in car. grab drink. put drink back. grab snickers bar.
8:38 leave for work (late) with hair sticking up, wearing wrinkled skirt and faded tights, red blotch showing through makeup, coat covered in cat hair, and chocolate and caramel stuck in teeth.

December 18

When the cat litter is glittering and your tinsel is missing.....be very afraid.

hypnosis show

Just a few highlights from my hypnosis show last night--
*For the rest of the night your name will be Tinkerbell.....anytime I call you anything else you will correct me and insist that I call you Tinkerbell (Chris was hilarious when he jumped up out of his chair, jingled imaginary bells in his hand and DEMANDED that I call him Tinkerbell).
*Every time I say the words "fried egg" your chair will heat up, so much so ...that you will jump out of the chair because your seat will be so hot.
*You can only walk backwards (then I have them walk around the room).
*Your shoes are now cute adorable puppies. You will want to take them off and hold and cuddle and kiss your puppies. And puppies do not understand English~you will have to speak to them by barking. (Tami even took off her knee-high boots so that she could cuddle them).
*You are actors in a Japanese rice commercial. You now know how to speak Japanese and can only speak Japanese in the commercial. (I then give them a bag of rice and a microphone—too funny for words.)
*You are a belly dancer and have been training for the last year for a big competition. The competition is tonight. When you hear the belly dancing music you will jump up from your chair and do your best belly dancing. (the guys were fantastic)
*When the show ends ....as you leave the stage....you will DANCE your way back to your table --you will use your sexiest, wildest, craziest dance moves.....the ones that no one has ever seen....the ones you do when no one is watching.
I had nineteen volunteers. The seven I kept on stage were hysterically funny.

really useless information

there is a common belief that when your palm itches it means that you are going to come into some money. well, today the bottom of my foot is itching ..........hey---maybe that means that i will get a new pair of shoes! .....well, probably more likely it means that i will step into cat vomit. (uh oh....i am seeing a theme in my blogs......this is not a good sign).

hypnosis show tonight in brussels! there are 40 reservations so far.........and i have put together one of my best routines yet----lots of surprises........