"Pay no attention to the people behind the curtain" or "The Plane Truth"

I am sitting on a plane at this very moment on my umpteenth transatlantic flight. I have now discovered that the class system is alive and well. When flying, people are divided up into 3 very distinct classes. The very rich with money to burn (first class), the well-to-do who are used to being treated like they are somebody--and expect this (business class), and the poor slobs--that would include me (economy class).

When first getting on the plane, the rich very quickly disappear behind the curtain into their private world of luxury. The well-to-do lounge in lazy-boy-type seats and are served champagne. The poor slobs are herded to the back of the plane and crammed into seats with their knees bent up agonizing close to their chests. It is a bit reminiscent of a disturbing film I once watched about how veal is processed. I have never been able to eat veal since...calves forced into too-small stalls, unable to move and fed a diet lacking in nutrition and substance (see---just like economy class!). At least the Kobe beef in Japan is treated humanely. To make their end-product-meat tender, they are frequently massaged. Oh yes--eventually they too are butchered, but at least their muscles are tension-free and limber as they march off to the slaughter house.
But let's get back to the class system....
Normally I am just a poor ignorant slob enduring the economy class. But this time the airline overbooked (surprise!), and I was one of the "chosen ones' who was bumped up to business class, or as I now call it----heaven. I say "chosen" because that is exactly what it is. There is no lottery, no flipping of the coin, no first-come-first-serve or any other logical or semi-fair system used to determine who gets this privilege. I feel at this point that it is important for me to warn you......should you decide to continue reading, you will be faced with information that is disturbing at best. *Spoiler Alert* : the rest of this blog will permanently disillusion you, and may make flying economy impossible in the future.

When hustling through business class on my way to the veal farm, I am usually aghast at how much leg room there is. I try not to look.... mainly because it makes me feel deprived --like a kid in a candy shop who can only look at the bright colored sweets and smell their sugary allure, but who doesn't have enough money to buy any of it. It's a sad story I know. And that is exactly how I feel....deprived and sad. Sad to see all that leg room and those big comfy seats. I also hurry through that section so that all those well-to-do fliers don't gaze at me for too long. I don't want to see the pity in their eyes as they see me heading to my child-size seat (very insufficient for my extra-large-adult-size ass).

Well, I finally discovered the reason for all that additional leg room. They don't want any of the poor slobs to know this....but I am going to tell you anyway. You see, they need the extra room because the seats recline to a completely horizontal level! Imagine my delight when I found that I could literally lay back and sleep--legs propped up on the adjustable leg/foot rest, head back on the adjustable fits-to-the-shape-of-your-skull head rest and arms splayed out on my own, don't-have-to-share arm rests. However, I did spend 30 minutes adjusting my seat. If I was going to enjoy this upper-class experience, I wanted to do it right! (Plus---I couldn't figure out the fancy control panels on either side of my seat and it would have been way too embarrassing to ask those around me --who clearly knew what they were doing---how to adjust the seat properly. I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I really didn't belong---that I had class-hopped). So you see, you need all that extra room between seats so that when the guy in front of you reclines back, he doesn't end up in your lap (if economy seats reclined like this, your head would be in the lap of the person behind you----2 rows back). Oh.....and the blanket is a nice soft cotton and 3 times the size of that polyester pot-holder sized square of cloth you get in economy (that is supposed to be clean but invariably has a long blond hair clinging to it). Dinner is on china, drinks are in real glasses, you get a table cloth on your tray and a nice crisp white linen napkin. Stewardesses bring several bottles of good wine down the aisle so you can choose your vintage. And while the poor slobs are munching their 9 peanuts, we in the upper-class are snacking on freshly roasted warm mixed nuts served in little white china bowls (and they came down the aisle 3 times with a large roasting pan of nuts to offer us more!). I felt so guilty I wanted to hide some in my pockets in sneak them back to the poor slobs when no one was looking. Oh----and dinner was actually good! --- filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes and raspberry cheesecake! As much as I was enjoying my high-society treatment, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on in FIRST CLASS!. Are they up there lounging on feather beds with Egyptian style servants cooling them with large palm fans and half-naked gorgeous models feeding them grapes by hand? I seriously can't imagine what could be better than my big lazy-boy recliner and those delectable warm roasted nuts.

I then began feeling like an impostor.....an intruder in some secret club that I was somehow able to sneak into. I felt a sense of loyalty to my comrades back in economy. At one point I thought I should run back to economy and shout "Hey! Do you have any idea what is going on up there??? They have warm nuts!"

In fact I was so enjoying my "business experience" that began thinking to myself.....if there is a plane crash----I am not getting out of this plane. I am staying right here in my comfy seat with my nice soft blanket. Who cares if we crash.....I can die laying horizontal with a raspberry cheesecake stain on my shirt.

And then it hit me. How on earth can I ever fly economy again?! I mean, before I was ignorant --even though I saw those grand chairs--I was oblivious as to how heavenly they truly are. But now...now I am enlightened! Now I know what is going on up there behind the curtain (and the purpose of the curtain is clear now as well...to keep us poor slobs in the dark). Oh--it will be so painful to have to trudge through business, back to the bowels of coach again.

If you chose to read this and you are like me---- a poor slob who flies in the cheap seats, I am sorry to have to be the one who informed you of this very real social class system of which you are on the bottom. But maybe someday, you too will be chosen to be bumped up to the lazy-boy section. When you do----think of me ---and have an extra helping of warm roasted nuts.