In the year 2020

First let me say that I LOVE COSTCO.   1.  They take back everything (They once took back an electric toothbrush that stopped working.  ----I had used it for two years.  They took it back.  All I wanted was a copy of my receipt so I could send it in as it was still under warranty.  COSTCO took it back.  They actually insisted.)  2.  You can eat lunch for free on a Saturday.   Just walk around and sample all the foods they are preparing.  Just last weekend I had a delicious lunch of rice pilaf, Greek cherry yogurt, kettle corn, instant mashed potatoes, apple juice, dark chocolate covered cranberries and a chewy vitamin C gummy.  and 3.  They have some really great buys.  

When I first returned from Europe, going into COSTCO was just too overwhelming.  I wasn't used to the huge-ness that is America.  The big-bigger-biggest-is-best culture in which we live.  After 22 years abroad, where petite and condensed rule, our over-the-top grand style had me running for the door after just a few minutes in any large store. Especially COSTCO, king of American mammoth proportions.  But I have gotten over all that.  I can now manage pretty much any American shopping experience (for a limited amount of time).

I have learned one thing about shopping big.....impulse buying can be a mistake on a grand scale.  No "little" mistakes are made at COSTCO.  Normal buyers remorse can quickly morph into regret on a colossal scale. For example, while there last week, I saw a great deal on Q-tips.  Just so happens we were out of Q-tips, so it seemed like a great buy.  Until I got home.  Then I realized that the 3-pack I purchased was 3 extra-large (HUGE) packages that totaled over 2000 Q-tips.  As I tend to use one per day, this would mean that I had enough Q-tips to last nearly 6 years.  

Well, that's just great.  I don't really have anyplace in the bathroom to store 2000 Q-tips.  And do they expire? Disintegrate?  Will they really last til the year 2020?  Maybe there is some other use for them.  Maybe I can start a new hobby that involves Q-tips, like some kind of Q-tip craft.  Or maybe I can use them on the cats' ears (3 cats= 3 more Q-tips per day=  my Q-tips will be used up in 2 years).  I even Googled "things you can do with Q-tips" and found a site titled "Cool things you can do with Q-tips".  That got me pretty excited.  I can not only use up my Q-tips, but I can be really cool while doing so.  But much to my dismay, this site only had five "cool" things.  None were cool, unless you consider their #1 suggestion--- "cleaning out the creases" ---to be cool.  Then I found a site "How to make your mom flowers out of Q-tips. Just in Time for Mother's Day" (not making this up).  Yeah. Nothing says "I love you Mom" like ear-wax-remover-flowers.   I also found a site detailing how to make a Q-tip blow gun.  Instructions state that you should tape a needle to the end of the Q-tip.  But there was the following warning:  DO NOT SHOOT AT SOMEONE WITH THIS KIND OF PROJECTILE! These are for balloon popping only."  So next time I have some balloons that need popping I am all set! The most disturbing website was titled "Don't use Q-tips to clean your ears!".  Apparently it is not safe.  

Now I have nearly 2000 Q-tips that I can't use for the sole purpose for which they are bought.  

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Is it time for your rear alignment?

Voicemail message left for me:  (In a severely heavy Southern accent)....Hello.  This is Wanda from Dr. Loran's office.  I am calling to remind you about your appointment next Friday, March 25th at 10 AM.  Please come in 20 minutes early for your ANAL exam.  

WHAT???  What did she say?  I replay the message.  ----um. .....WHAT??!!  Why do I need an ANAL exam?!!!  This can't be right.  She must have called the wrong person. 

Me:  Hi.  This is Tanya Oskey calling.  You called me and left a message on my voicemail....

Wanda:  Good morning Mrs. Oskey.  Yes, I was calling to remind you about your appointment. 

Me:  Yes, about that appointment......I think you must have me confused with another patient.  What kind of appointment do you have me down for? 

Wanda:  This appointment is for your ANAL exam.

Me: (stifling a choking sound)  Why do I need an ANAL exam?  I didn't schedule that!  And I don't think my anus needs any examining right now.  It seems fine.  Really.

(I think I was nearing tears at this point)

Wanda:  (after a few long moments of silence)  Mrs. Oskey.  (She now speaks slowly and a bit loudly, enunciating each syllable and word in an exaggerated manner)  This has nothing to do with your EYE-NIS.  This is your AIN-YELL exam.  AIN-YELL.  Your AIN-YELL check-up.  NOT AIN-ALL.  This has nothing to do with anything AIN-ALL.

Me:  (after a few long moments of silence---as my mind catches up with her accent).   Oh.  Oh yeah...my ANNUAL exam.  Got it.  OK.  Well, thanks.  I guess I will see you on Friday.  (And I wipe the tears from my eyes)

Once again....translation is not translation when living in the deep south. 

A bit of advice I sent to my niece on her 22nd birthday

Things I wish I had known when I was 22....1. stay out of the sun and wear sunscreen EVERYDAY (you think you look young now....but that sun is already making you age!) 2. enjoy the journey....even the lows--- the challenges and hard times in life are the times when we grow and learn and become better (we don't learn and grow much during the easy times) so be thankful even when times are rough 3. don't lose touch with the good people in your life, surround yourself with them. surround yourself with people who bring you joy. 4. LOSE the losers, the greedy, the shallow, the liars---no matter who they are. you don't need or want them in your life. 5. more money and material things do not make you happier. it's the people and experiences that bring depth, peace, and value to your life. 6. never stop learning. no matter what. no matter how old you are. (hence my new-found electric guitar interest) 7. let go of anger. most of the time it serves no purpose and just makes you look ugly. 8. be more patient --nothing is more beautiful. 9. don't stress....it all works out in the end (and you will look back and say to yourself "why was i so stressed about that---i wasted all my time worrying about something that never happened") just give yourself permission to worry when it really happens. not before. 10. have a sense of humor ---about everything. because really....most things are funny if you look at them from a certain angle. 11. get a cat. (or a dog)---but not until you have the time, energy and money to take care of it like it is your child. if you can't do that then DON'T get one! 12. don't rush to have kids . in fact, you can skip it altogether if you want.....nothing in life says you must have a child. (get a cat instead) 13. love the rain. there is beauty even in the grayest of days. 14. don't let time slip away. live life every day, enjoy the moments. plan for future and cherish and learn from the past. but keep yourself in the present (The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle----READ IT) and last but not least......15. be kind. to everyone. even those who treat you badly (they probably need it the most). you will be a better person for it. Well, I wish the 22 year old Tanya had this list----but here it is for you--my best advice to my younger mini-me! love you!! xoooxoo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICIA!

Bared at my new job (No, that is not a typo.)

First day at my new job.  I wanted to make a good impression.  I was on my best behavior.  I was attentive to everything I was being shown and told.  And then......well, then I really showed my ass.  (Oh Mary Anne and Jennifer....you are going to love this....).   Yes, I did.  I showed my ass on my first day of work.   Not figuratively (that would have been much better).  No, literally--I showed it.  I went to the restroom and came out, walked down the hall a ways and heard someone yelling " Excuse me!  Excuse me!"  I turned around (along with my 2 new coworkers) to see a lady running toward us, waving her arms.  She catches up and says (to me) with a heavy southern drawl,  "Yur skirt is tucked up in yur waistband!  And we can see this much of yur BEE-HIND!"  (that's how they say it down here....BEE-hind, emphasis on the BEE).   She then shows me by gesturing with her hands just how much of my BEE-hind (emphasis on the BEE) everyone can see.  I said (being used to these kind of incidents) "thank you very much", reached around and pulled my skirt down over my BEE-hind, shrugged at my 2 new co-workers, and walked on.   So much for my good impression.  On the bright side.....any mistakes I make after today will just pale in comparison.  (and if this story gives you a deja vu feeling.......it's because this is not my first lingerie faux pas---yes, unfortunately--for me-- you have heard this story before.  See Facebook Note dated March 9, 2013 titled "I am like a generous Pirate.....I share my booty.")