Less than dependable would be unacceptable

Yesterday while shopping at the grocery store, I came upon a toilet paper product I had not yet seen, called "Charmin--Ultra Strong". The packaging states, "For a Dependable Clean". What??? Softer, yes....that I need. Bigger rolls....great, that is definitely a plus. Larger packages....perfect--I hate running out. But a more dependable clean? Maybe it's just me.....but I am not even sure what that means. More dependable in what respect? I don't know about you, but for the most part, all toilet paper seems pretty much dependable. In fact, I cannot ever remember a time when I thought "gee, I sure wish this toilet paper was just a bit more dependable.....just can't depend on toilet tissue to clean the way you used to." But again....maybe it's just me.

and so I told him....

hey---my shoes always match! oh wait...not true. I once wore one black high heel and one navy high heel to work. It's hard to be taken serious as a therapist when you are sitting there in your chair, listening intently to the patient's problems, and suddenly you glance down and notice that your shoes don't match. Well, it was an honest mistake. They were the same type of shoe ....and it was dark in the hallway when i put them on. ...and navy does look a lot like black in certain light.

On an ordinary Saturday......

So....there I am driving along a Belgian country road and I come to a T---and right there ahead of me, just off the road is a big barn with several cows lined up in front of it. Behind the cows stands a man. That's strange......he is wearing a long, transparent bright pink plastic glove. What is he going .....what the.... the man is putting his hand into the cow's ass!....then in goes the wrist......then the forearm....then the elbow......and even a bit further! (if you are cringing at this point, imagine how I felt watching the scene. I am certain that involuntary cheek clenching occurred---by both me and the cow). Well, that was an experience I could have done without on a nice, sunny Saturday drive. Oh....and to make matters worse Barry White was playing on the radio...."I've Got So Much To Give". The whole experience was entirely disturbing.

Translation: "DANGER--NO! Do not put your hand inside of the cow" (Really!)

Note to Self--number 59

The soles of high heel shoes are made in a curved fashion with the heel elevated so that they sit properly on the 3 and a half inch heel. So although it seems reasonable to break the heel off one of your shoes when the other heel has snapped off (after gettting caught in a grate while walking in the door at work), this technique does not in fact work. You are not left with 2 nice flat shoes, but rather 2 very warped shoes that you cannot even walk on at all.

Note to Self--number 60
You look ridiculous attempting to walk around the office with 2 heeless high heel shoes. ...even on a good hair day.

Cat Man Do

yeah...this would be a lot funnier if it weren't TRUE. This morning my cat woke me in the usual manner--by head-butting me in the nose (hard). She did it numerous times, each time getting progressively harder. Where do they learn this stuff? (oh...and she can open doors too...by jumping up and hanging on the handle. Naurally she was not happy when we moved and the new house had mostly doorknobs instead of handles). So when I show up for work with a broken nose and wearing a lovely fur hat....you will know how the morning went.

A friend in need...

I received this message from a friend today...whose email account was obviously hacked. Below you will find her letter and my response to my "friend".

Tanya
I had to make an impromptu trip to Cyprus and right now I'm in a difficult situation and urgently need your help. Can you lend me $750, I'll refund you as soon as I get back this weekend and explain better to you. I know this may not be a good time to ask for such a favor but I just thought I could turn to you for help. I would be glad if you could keep this between us. Thanks.
Janine

Hi Janine
Thanks for writing and I would be happy to help you out. Before I do so I have a problem of my own I am hoping you can help me out with as well. Having consulted with my colleagues and based on the information gathered from the Nigerian Chamber of Commerce and Industry, I need your help to transfer the sum of $47,500,000 (forty seven million, five hundrend thousand dollars) into your accounts. The above sum resulted from an over-invoiced contract, executed, commissioned and paid for about 5 years ago by a foreign contractor. This action was however intentional and since then the funds have been in a suspense account at the Central Bank of Nigeria APEX Bank. I am now ready to transfer the funds and that is where you come in. The total sum shared will be as follows: 70% for me, 25% foryou, and 5% for local and international expenses incident to the transfer. The transfer is risk free on both sides. If you find the proposal acceptable I will need the following documents.

(A) YOUR BANKER'S NAME, TELEPHONE, ACCOUNT AND FAX NUMBERS.

(B) YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.

(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER STAMPED AND SIGNED.
So Janine--once you do this for me ....you won't even need to borrow the $750 from me--aren't you lucky that you turned to me for help! Sounds like a win-win for both of us doesn't it! So just send me the above info as soon as possible! And don't worry--as you requested, I will certainly keep this just between us.

Thanks Janine..and great hearing from you~

Tanya

Snow (hey oh)

Come to believe that I better not leave
Before I get my chance to ride
When it's killing me, what do I really need
All that I need to look inside

The Vegetarian and Raw Food Diet

If you are on a diet that does not include meat, butter, sugar, chocolate, any other delicious ingredients and is made with only raw, uncooked food... and you invite me to dinner....please kindly obey the following rules:

*Do not discuss how you squeezed the salmon vertebrae so that they “pop” and how you then put the vertebrae juice into the salmon loaf that I am trying desperately to choke down at the very moment that you are describing all this spinal popping action.

*If you plan to serve salmon loaf (made with vertebrae juice), please have a pet available, hovering under the table, so that I can slip it my dinner when you are not watching.

*Do not call it pumpkin pie if it is not baked. Pureed pumpkin mixed with pureed carrots and squash is not pumpkin pie. If it does not have sugar and whipped cream (or a cream substitute such as cool whip), it is not pumpkin pie. Putting it in a pie plate does not fool me.

*Unbaked beets that are pressed into cardboard-like squares are not crackers. Even if you put cheese on them---still not crackers.

*Please let me know 5 minutes in advance as to when dinner will be ready so that I can rush to the table to beat everyone there in order to ensure that I get the plate with the smallest portions. (Dallas beat me to the table last time which meant that he got the smallest slice of salmon loaf. I cannot tolerate this mistake a second time.)

Yin and Yang

hmm...well that's strange. Just noticed that my favorite dark burgundy eyeliner pencil (the one I have been using for a year) is marked "LIPLINER PENCIL" in small print down the side. That might explain the extra creamy texture & hint-of-berry color. oops. Well I guess it's only fair. I once had a nice cocoa-colored lip pencil that I later discovered was an EYELINER. See..all things in life do balance out in the end~

today while out exploring at a castle....I was rammed by a ram. 
one with curled ram horns.
he rammed me in the knee.
it hurt.

on an unrelated note.....I now have a new mantle piece.

"Pay no attention to the people behind the curtain" or "The Plane Truth"

I am sitting on a plane at this very moment on my umpteenth transatlantic flight. I have now discovered that the class system is alive and well. When flying, people are divided up into 3 very distinct classes. The very rich with money to burn (first class), the well-to-do who are used to being treated like they are somebody--and expect this (business class), and the poor slobs--that would include me (economy class).

When first getting on the plane, the rich very quickly disappear behind the curtain into their private world of luxury. The well-to-do lounge in lazy-boy-type seats and are served champagne. The poor slobs are herded to the back of the plane and crammed into seats with their knees bent up agonizing close to their chests. It is a bit reminiscent of a disturbing film I once watched about how veal is processed. I have never been able to eat veal since...calves forced into too-small stalls, unable to move and fed a diet lacking in nutrition and substance (see---just like economy class!). At least the Kobe beef in Japan is treated humanely. To make their end-product-meat tender, they are frequently massaged. Oh yes--eventually they too are butchered, but at least their muscles are tension-free and limber as they march off to the slaughter house.
But let's get back to the class system....
Normally I am just a poor ignorant slob enduring the economy class. But this time the airline overbooked (surprise!), and I was one of the "chosen ones' who was bumped up to business class, or as I now call it----heaven. I say "chosen" because that is exactly what it is. There is no lottery, no flipping of the coin, no first-come-first-serve or any other logical or semi-fair system used to determine who gets this privilege. I feel at this point that it is important for me to warn you......should you decide to continue reading, you will be faced with information that is disturbing at best. *Spoiler Alert* : the rest of this blog will permanently disillusion you, and may make flying economy impossible in the future.

When hustling through business class on my way to the veal farm, I am usually aghast at how much leg room there is. I try not to look.... mainly because it makes me feel deprived --like a kid in a candy shop who can only look at the bright colored sweets and smell their sugary allure, but who doesn't have enough money to buy any of it. It's a sad story I know. And that is exactly how I feel....deprived and sad. Sad to see all that leg room and those big comfy seats. I also hurry through that section so that all those well-to-do fliers don't gaze at me for too long. I don't want to see the pity in their eyes as they see me heading to my child-size seat (very insufficient for my extra-large-adult-size ass).

Well, I finally discovered the reason for all that additional leg room. They don't want any of the poor slobs to know this....but I am going to tell you anyway. You see, they need the extra room because the seats recline to a completely horizontal level! Imagine my delight when I found that I could literally lay back and sleep--legs propped up on the adjustable leg/foot rest, head back on the adjustable fits-to-the-shape-of-your-skull head rest and arms splayed out on my own, don't-have-to-share arm rests. However, I did spend 30 minutes adjusting my seat. If I was going to enjoy this upper-class experience, I wanted to do it right! (Plus---I couldn't figure out the fancy control panels on either side of my seat and it would have been way too embarrassing to ask those around me --who clearly knew what they were doing---how to adjust the seat properly. I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I really didn't belong---that I had class-hopped). So you see, you need all that extra room between seats so that when the guy in front of you reclines back, he doesn't end up in your lap (if economy seats reclined like this, your head would be in the lap of the person behind you----2 rows back). Oh.....and the blanket is a nice soft cotton and 3 times the size of that polyester pot-holder sized square of cloth you get in economy (that is supposed to be clean but invariably has a long blond hair clinging to it). Dinner is on china, drinks are in real glasses, you get a table cloth on your tray and a nice crisp white linen napkin. Stewardesses bring several bottles of good wine down the aisle so you can choose your vintage. And while the poor slobs are munching their 9 peanuts, we in the upper-class are snacking on freshly roasted warm mixed nuts served in little white china bowls (and they came down the aisle 3 times with a large roasting pan of nuts to offer us more!). I felt so guilty I wanted to hide some in my pockets in sneak them back to the poor slobs when no one was looking. Oh----and dinner was actually good! --- filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes and raspberry cheesecake! As much as I was enjoying my high-society treatment, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on in FIRST CLASS!. Are they up there lounging on feather beds with Egyptian style servants cooling them with large palm fans and half-naked gorgeous models feeding them grapes by hand? I seriously can't imagine what could be better than my big lazy-boy recliner and those delectable warm roasted nuts.

I then began feeling like an impostor.....an intruder in some secret club that I was somehow able to sneak into. I felt a sense of loyalty to my comrades back in economy. At one point I thought I should run back to economy and shout "Hey! Do you have any idea what is going on up there??? They have warm nuts!"

In fact I was so enjoying my "business experience" that began thinking to myself.....if there is a plane crash----I am not getting out of this plane. I am staying right here in my comfy seat with my nice soft blanket. Who cares if we crash.....I can die laying horizontal with a raspberry cheesecake stain on my shirt.

And then it hit me. How on earth can I ever fly economy again?! I mean, before I was ignorant --even though I saw those grand chairs--I was oblivious as to how heavenly they truly are. But now...now I am enlightened! Now I know what is going on up there behind the curtain (and the purpose of the curtain is clear now as well...to keep us poor slobs in the dark). Oh--it will be so painful to have to trudge through business, back to the bowels of coach again.

If you chose to read this and you are like me---- a poor slob who flies in the cheap seats, I am sorry to have to be the one who informed you of this very real social class system of which you are on the bottom. But maybe someday, you too will be chosen to be bumped up to the lazy-boy section. When you do----think of me ---and have an extra helping of warm roasted nuts.

Good Advice to Self

Here's how it's done--take very small bites, carefully pulling bits off with your teeth..then chew as slowly as possible for an extended period of time, pulverizing the small morsel. now comes the most difficult part..swallow with extreme caution taking care not to hold your breath during this painful moment.


These are my best instructions on how to eat your own words. But even given my most excellent advice, you may just find that you choke on them.

A belated snack....

Don't you hate it when you suddenly find that you have a small piece of meat floating around in your mouth......and the rib dinner was 2 days ago. ugh.

An important note....

Note to my big ass: Please stop following me around....it's getting annoying---and you are beginning to frighten young children. And lately..strangers have been known to attempt to hop on you and hitch a ride. The last time I flew on a plane, I had to buy 2 seats....mine and the one behind me....for you. At work you have become a hazard---for safety reasons they now make me wear a shirt emblazoned with "wide load". I checked my VMA (very massive ass) index and I am off the scale. So please find someone else to cling to~ and give me a break.
Sincerely,
Tanya