My first American Christmas (well....my first in a long time)

I am so confused! Even Christmas in the US has changed since I left 21 years ago! Now I return to find the TV ads inundated with gift suggestions such as the Shake-Weight (have you SEEN that commercial?!.....it should have been rated due to its highly suggestive nature). And the Obama Chia Pet~ Nothing like a quality terracotta presidential head that grows real sprout hair. Perfect for a classy centerpiece or just give him a quick trim to enhance your salad. Then there is the Snuggie....and even better---the Slanket (blanket with sleeves). Are we now so lazy that we have to wear our bedding around the house, thereby never really leaving the warmth and comfort of our beds (meanwhile our asses grow exponentially). But my favorite new holiday tradition.....costumes for cars! Since when did we start dressing our cars up in Christmas costumes? I have seen cars with reindeer antlers and red noses, cars with lit up Christmas lights strung on them, cars decorated with bows, and cars with actual mini Christmas trees topping them. Hey people....remember HALLOWEEN? THAT is the holiday for costumes (and on kids...not cars). So ... eat some fudge, drink some egg nog, sing some carols, and send out holiday cards----but please... put away the Rudolph car costumes!
Thanks! and MERRY AMERICAN CHRISTMAS!

What Not to Wear

Festive Faux Pas

I thought I would be cute and send out Christmas messages via text this year. So I sent out messages to my friends, family, co-workers and even business associates (my lawyer, broker, dentist, and the vet we use). My message was to be simple, classy, and yet festive: "Feliz Navidad to you and your family!" Unfortunately my phone decided to auto-correct. And even more unfortunate.....I sent out the message before realizing that I had been infiltrated by that nasty spell-check-correct function. So my happy holiday message to all went out as "Feces Navidad to you and your family". If you are one of the lucky recipients of my Christmas Faux Pas.....please accept my apologies (if you can stop laughing long enough to do so).

Bust a Move!

 I can't get this song out of my head. Everyone else is walking around humming-- dashing through the snow....or chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Not me. I've got Bust a Move playing in my mind. (and nothing says "tis the season for baby Jesus" like Bust a Move.)

House-hunting in JAW-JA

Reader's tip:  To heighten your right-there-in-the-action experience, click on the link below (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yt9R0I3gSk) and listen while reading this blog.  You will feel as though you too are out there in the Georgian wilds....making your dreams come true.

I have spent nearly every day of the last 3 weeks with my realtor----looking at house after house after house.  I think I have seen every house for sale within a 50 mile radius.  So I have gotten to know my realtor very well.  Just so you get the picture.....she is not southern.  She is from New York.  And she sounds a lot like Fran Drescher (you remember...."The Nanny")  In fact, she sounds exactlylike her.  And the longer the day gets (and when she gets frustrated--- which is often)...her Fran-ness gets stronger and stronger.  I happen to do a great Fran Drescher (and realtor) imitation......so sometimes I will talk back to the realtor in her own nasally Fran-Drescher-y voice.  Just for fun.

The first few days of house-hunting everyone is very polite and formal and on their best behavior. But let me tell you---after 3 weeks of spending day after friggin day together, we are all pretty much our "real" selves.  So now that we have all let our hair down---house-hunting has become an experience.  Just yesterday Fran stopped at the gas station, went in to pay, and came back with a  giant pickle---you know, the ones that are the size of a small banana--(seriously. this is a true story).  But then she decided it really wasn't all that good and flung it out the window.  I had visions of some poor guy driving down the road and suddenly getting his windshield  smacked by a giant pickle. Try turning that into your insurance company.

And you know you are in big trouble when you are looking at a house-- that I admit was just one rung on the ladder above a trailer---and Fran begins "singing" the dueling banjo song from Deliverance.  Not a good sign at all. (Are you listening to it now?  Kinda gives you the creeps doesn't it.....that's how I feel every day while out with Frannie.  There have been moments when it feels like I am going to round the corner of a house and come upon Ned Beatty in the "squeal like a pig" scene.)

She then took me to her house (so I could see the type of house that I could never afford)..almost 10,000 square feet of marble, art work, statues, a wine cellar, a 20-seat theatre, and room after room after room.  As I wandered around (jaw dragging on the ground) I came upon a photo of a female body-builder---one with man-like bulging muscles and an ass that resembled two hardened mounds of concrete.  My jaw dropped about a foot further. It was FRAN!  REALLY??!!  Fran was a body builder?  Apparently my new jumbo-pickle-eating friend was indeed a mega-muscled maniac back in the day.

Yesterday I called her to get an update on a couple of houses and I got her machine.  "Sorry I am not available right now. I am out making someones real estate dreams come true."   Well that's nice.  Clearly not MINE...since I was on the phone with her recorded Fran Drescher-like voice rather than with her ---getting my real estate dreams fulfilled.  When she finally called back I told her that she needed to change her message----since clearly she was only making my real estate nightmares come true (remember the Deliverance- themed house in paragraph 4 above?)

Now, nearly one month and approximately 200 houses later.....my dreams have not yet come true Frannie. So please throw down your pickle and find me my house!   

More culture shock....these things did not exist when I last lived in the USA:

*I was in Rite-Aid.. or was it CVS?....or Walgreens?  It was one of those on-every-corner drug stores----and I was wandering around checking out all the stuff-you-never-need/want.  And there in front of me were....Press on Toe-nails!  Now, seriously--  Press/glue on plastic nails are bad enough--but stick-on TOE NAILS?!  So there I was staring at these fake toe-nails.  I was somewhat horrified and yet I found myself strangely drawn to look at them closer.  In the package there were two big nails and then a bunch of little ones to stick over your own toenails.   I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or run screaming with madness from the store.  

*What is the deal with all of the "As Seen on TV!" products?  Isn't pretty much everything "seen on TV"?  Seems like a tricky marketing ploy.  Why not try for "As Seen in the Mall!" or "As Read About Online!" or "As Seen in Your Friend's House" or "As Seen in This Store on This Shelf!"--all of those seem just as good.  

*(I love this one). Television commercials that go like this:  "Hey--ask your doctor about Superla-Anti-depression drug! Works great!  You will feel wonderful and happy and life will be so light and care-free!  However, Superla may cause leg cramps, heart problems, and brain tumors. Oh, and it might also result in dizziness that will cause you to lay in bed all day, blurred vision or blindness and explosive diarrhea and severe ass-rash.  You may also develop a rare blood disease, a skin condition with oozing sores or bleeding hemorrhoids.  But hey--you will no longer be depressed and will so feel happy that you won't care about all that stuff!  So ask your doctor about Superla today!

*Restaurants:  Can I PLEASE eat without being interrupted every 5 minutes by my server?!  I want to enjoy my meal and conversation with my dining companion without some loud waitress/waiter barging up to the table practically screaming "IS EVERYTHING OK? DO YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE? WOULD YOU LIKE DESSERT? ARE YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?  WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WRAP IT UP? HERE IS YOUR CHECK! DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT UP FOR YOU?"  He/she might as well add "DO YOU NEED ME TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR COAT?  CUZ YOU WILL BE LEAVING SOON, RIGHT?"  

And while I am on the subject of restaurants-- it seems strange, after living in the land of waffles for 14 years,  to come to southern USA and find a WAFFLE HOUSE on nearly every corner. Kind of odd.  It would be like having a Sloppy Joe Shack in the heart of the Grand Place in Brussels---completely out of place.  OH, and we passed a place yesterday called "Dutch Monkey Doughnuts".  What is that all about?  I was in the Netherlands almost weekly and I never saw a Dutch monkey (or any type of monkey).  And they don't have doughnuts there either.  (I tried to get Dallas to stop, but he refused---but I will be going back there to find out what a Dutch Monkey Doughnut is---so I willl keep you posted)

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Music to my ears....

So --I have an 11.5 hour drive from DC to GA...and no iPod connector for the rental car. Hey no problem!  I am in America!  Radio Stations will be in all-English, with lots of great music, right?  Here's how it went:

Virginia:  Channel surfing...let's see...country music.  (um. no) ...commercial...commercial...commercial... country music (still, no)...I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (what the?)...religious channel (no), Rush Limbaugh (NO!), commercial...commercial...country music (UGH)...Tears for Fears (Great!  oh wait....it is the end of the song.  Damn.)...commercial... (stops car as cat has peed in his box, which now needs to be emptied)...commercial...Bob Seger: Night Moves (ok--this will have to do).

North Carolina: commercial.....commercial....country music (this is getting monotonous)...commercial....foreign language channel (WHAT!? I had 21 years of foreign language radio!  I want ENGLISH!)...commercial (stops car to get gas...this area looks dangerous, reminds self that people carry guns here....gets back in car and goes to next exit to get gas).....country music (zzzzzzz)... (Come on! How about Simple Minds? Alphaville? Shriekback? anything 80's?  Please?) ...commercial...country music...Silent Night (really? you're killing me!  it's the 20th of NOVEMBER!)...Bob Seger:  Night Moves (again....well, ok)

South Carolina:  Deck the Halls (now I am getting mad) ...commercial....commercial....more country music (even the cat looks pissed off)...commercial.....country music ( my finger is cramping from all the channel changing)...KC and the Sunshine Band (great! finally- something to keep me awake!)...commercial...(stops car..cat has peed again...could be worse, right?)...Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (someone shoot me)....Bob Seger:  Night Moves (WHAT! Seger must have some kind of hold on the South)

Georgia (YAY!):  let's see what we have here ......commercial......commercial.....country music (uh oh).....Bob Seger: Night Moves (I am a living episode of the Twilight Zone).....wait!  what is this?  OMD?!! (Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark )    Could it be???  YES--it is!---an ALL 80's radio station!  I LOVE Georgia! 

I don't like American TV ...does that make me Euro-Trash?

21 years overseas has left me feeling like a foreigner here in the US of A.  Everywhere I turn is some new, strange concept that I try desperately to digest and understand.  And I can now see how Europeans find us to be utterly incomprehensible.  Today I turned on the TV (for about the 3rd time in 3 months...I haven't worked my way up to any more often than that).  Surely with 362 channels I can find something interesting or even mildly entertaining.  This is some of what I found  :

1. That's My Mama!  (the sequel to "Who's your Daddy?")

2. Gastrosophia (possibly a documentary on Sophia's gastrointestinal problems--not for the squeamish)

3. Never Rake Again! (this was apparently a movie about the advantages of over-logging the rain forest)

4. Bosom Buddies (Remember that series?  Tom Hanks in drag...what would Wilson think?)

5.  Lonely Divorcees: Filthy Ho's (I swear--I am not making these up!)

6.   Best Bra Ever (This show was taken off the air due to lack of support)

7.    Corn College TV (filmed in Iowa apparently)

8.  Bareknuckle Beatdowns 2 (while living overseas, I missed Bareknuckle Beatdowns part 1.  I will have to get it on DVD)

9.  Shark Vacuum (in the same product line as the Dolphin Toaster, the Sea Cucumber Mixer, the Jelly Fish Blender, and the Giant Squid Electric Can Opener)

10. Winter's Bone (This may have been on a Pay for View channel..not sure)

11.  Salvation Station (at first I thought it was called Salivation Station....now that actually sounds more interesting)

12.  Hip Hop Abs (endorsed by Kanye West who says " Hey Suzanne Somers....I'm real happy for ya, and I'ma let you finish, that Thighmaster is OK, but the Hip Hop Abs is the best exercise gimmick of all times!)

13.  Dive, Olly, Dive (Run, Forest, Run)

14. Suffering Joints? (A sad movie about the pain felt by Marijuana growers world-wide)

15.   and last but not least.....Sarah Palin's Alaska (I ran screaming from the room)

And this is where I turned the TV off.   Wouldn't you?

Please, don't anyone try to explain to me what any of these shows are about....I don't want to know. Really.  

Thank you.

Me....singing

Dallas made this video of me singing Other Side of the World (with all of his favorite photos of me) .....I think he must be missing me.

Mid-week Faux Pas

Came down the big winding stairwell at work....all the way down 3 large flights of stairs.... singing..... Billie Jean (....is not my lover.  She's just a girl who claims that I am the one...)  Loudly.  With Michael Jackson falsetto.  With mouth-made musical sound effects.  As I rounded the last corner which opens up to the large lobby at NCIS (still singing enthusiastically), I walked right into a military formation....made up of about 30 Sailors---standing at attention in the lobby.  Stoically. Silently.  Several Commanding Officers stood in front of them (apparently doing some kind of inspection) and turned to stare at me.  I stopped singing mid-chorus. ... and with a little wave walked out the door.  I am not sure, but I could swear I heard loud laughter as I walked away from the building.  I laughed too.  (so technically they were laughing with me, not at me.)

True words

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. 
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I get up at 3 AM and....

I may have the longest commute in the world....but it is also one of the best!  On the way to work every day I see.....the colorful fall trees--blowing leaves around in the early hours, the Washington monument standing tall and proud, the Lincoln Memorial lit up against the black sky, the wide Potomac river curving against the highway, the dome of the White House in the distance, the Pentagon (where I catch the third leg of my travels), the silent...peaceful Arlington cemetery, the Jefferson memorial--bright in the darkness, and finally a glowing pink and orange sunrise.  (of course I see all of this only if I manage to stay awake during the 2 and a half hour trek)---

This is just wrong.

You know something is wrong in the universe when your bus to work passes the donut shop and it is still closed...and in fact, the lights aren't even on yet. It's a sad day when you are up before the guy who makes the donuts.

Next time it will be pretzels.

I am at work eating sunflower nuts right now (not the seeds....but the small, minuscule little bits inside the shells).  Have you ever tried to eat these tiny things? They taste great....but how the hell are they supposed to be eaten?  I have tried pouring a bit in my hand and then tossing them in my mouth.  This doesn't work so well--- most of them miss my mouth and instead I end up just throwing them at my face resulting in a stinging face pummel, with the nuts  showering my face and then bouncing off and ending up all over the floor.  I have also tried putting some in my hand and just eating them directly from my palm.  However, this is a difficult process.  I have to either use my lips to pick them up from my palm (thereby looking like some kind of a freaky fish eating fish food) or lick them with my tongue. It is somewhat embarrassing (and can severely detract from your professional credibility) when your boss walks by your cubicle just in time to see you lapping hungrily at the palm of your hand.  I have also tried pinching a few nuts with my fingers and placing them in my mouth.  This procedure is much more dignified...but it then takes 20 minutes just to get a mouthful since I can only pinch 4 or 5 nuts at a time.  The next technique I tried is to literally pour them into my mouth directly from the bag, which reminded me of the disgusting technique of gavage--- the force feeding of grain to geese in order to make their livers enlarged and fatty resulting in the delicacy-- foie gras.  I saw this done in Périgord France where 80% of the world's foie gras is produced, and I can tell you that I don't care how good it tastes...I can never eat something resulting from that kind of animal torture. But I am getting away from my story...  anyway this gavage-like technique of pouring the bulk of the nuts directly into my mouth works great... but again--a bit uncouth. I mean--not that I am the most dignified of eaters, but when you work in a cubicle and your snacking habits are visible to the world, you at least try to keep up the appearance of being somewhat civilized.  So I sit here thinking that perhaps I should just choose a different snack to bring to work----something that is easily consumed and does not require multiple test trials in order to figure out how to get it from the packaging to my stomach. (by the way, the area around my desk chair now resembles the bottom of a bird cage). 

Belgium....Belgium.....Belgium

How I miss my Belgium.....