How to get a workout in during the holidays--Gymagery!

During the holidays it is difficult to get in a good workout at the gym. Instead of trying to find the time to get there and then trekking through the ice and snow, try visualization. Mental imagery can be so powerful! I have found that "gym imagery or Gymagery" is easy and fun to do. It can be done in the comfort and privacy of your own home. You simply picture yourself in your mind's eye, going to the gym and then going through a rigorous workout routine. Try it....it takes less time, less energy, and I find that I really feel good afterward! (of course that may be in part because I am eating a box of cookies whilst doing all this visualizing...)
Order my in-home "Gymagery" course. Regular price $99.99 --but yours today for the discounted price of $29.99! Act now and you will also get the Gymagery workout mat with comfortable pillow insert and imaginary weight set.
(Thanks to Kimberly for the inspiration....although her inspiration to attend the gym will never outweigh my inspiration to eat cookies. And a special thanks to Deb for suggesting the name "Gymagery". I will share the glory, but not the royalties.)

Don't make it friggin' figgy

No figgy pudding please (what the hell is that anyway? pudding should be chocolate, or vanilla, or maybe possibly pistachio....but never "figgy")

When a breeze blows up your skirt.....

So today at work the zipper on the back of my skirt broke.....which means that I had to spend the rest of the day walking around with my skirt wide open in back. I contemplated walking backwards around the clinic.....but then realized that although those behind me would no longer be privy to my problem.....the people coming toward me would now be able to see my backside. There didn't seem to be any real solution except to sit in my office and avoid all walking around whatsoever. I am beginning to see a pattern of wardrobe malfunctions in my life.....like the time I broke the high heel off of my shoe when I arrived at work (one heel got stuck in the grate at the door entrance and snapped off) and had to spend the entire day at work walking around with one high heel and one flat.....or the day I quickly grabbed my high heels, put them on, and ran off to work in a hurry (like I do every day) and then in the middle of a therapy session looked down to see that I was wearing one black high heel shoe and one navy blue one (I'm sure it cultivates patient confidence when they see I am unable to match simple colors) ....or the time I got a strawberry stuck in my stocking leg (as detailed in a previous note). It's like that nightmare you have...the one where everything goes wrong and everyone is laughing at you and you are humiliated. Well... welcome to my world. (but hey--now I have an excuse to buy a new skirt)

Christmas Hypnosis Show December 9th

Just finished a really fun Christmas Hypnosis Show for a group of 120 at the Officers' Club.
My routine for the evening included some holiday themed bits, such as~
* Your name is now Santa Claus. Anytime I call you anything else, you will insist that I call you Santa Claus and then in a deep voice shout "HO HO HO"
*When I say "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" you will feel your chair getting a bit warmer. And each time I say it your chair will get warmer and warmer until finally by the 5th time the seat will be so hot you have to jump out of your seat.
* You can only say the word “fruitcake". No matter what question I ask you, you will answer "fruitcake". (then I ask a series of questions)....and now you can only say the word "reindeer poo".....No matter what I ask, you will respond "reindeer poo". (you can imagine the fun I have with this!)
*You will have a baby pet reindeer in your lap when you wake up …..pet him....he is cute...Oh look, he is getting bigger and bigger---keep petting him....and now he is smaller and smaller..and now bigger and bigger---he is huge! you have to reach way up to pet him now. When I count to 3 you will become fully awake, will stop petting and will look at the person next to you and see how funny they are acting with their arm way up in the air petting an imaginary reindeer. You would never do that would you? (they always say "NO WAY--NEVER!") then I say.."Of course you wouldn't...ok now...pet your reindeer"... and they immediately start up again.
*When you wake you will be wearing big huge woolie winter mittens and you will find it impossible to tear the wrapping paper I give you...but you will try because you want to help me....I need you to help me wrap some presents...but I have no scissors....can you please tear this Christmas paper for me? (Paul was clever and put the paper between his feet to tear it)
*Think of your favorite Christmas or holiday character ...one you really like and would really love to meet. That person or character is now in the audience. When you see them you are going to be so excited you will run right out to meet them--you can talk to them and ask them questions. You are REALLY going to be excited and happy to see them in the audience. You might want to get their autograph....(Christina was so excited she was clapping her hands and stamping her feet and squealing with joy to meet Frosty the Snowman)
*Sticky Christmas candy. You have some very sticky and gooey candy Christmas candy in your mouth which makes it impossible to answer my questions. But you want to answer my questions so you will try.
*Think of a favorite Christmas memory of a favorite toy you received at Christmas time. If you have this image in your mind nod your head. When you awaken you will find that you are now a child and it is that Christmas when you received this favorite toy and that toy is right here with you. It is in your hand but it is still wrapped so you will have to open it before you play with it. (Maddison jumped out of his chair to "fly" his toy airplane around the room--Christina began screaming "I got a Cabbage Patch Doll")
*You are Santa and will be riding in your sleigh being pulled by all those wonderful reindeer. You have a lot of toys to deliver so you need to get the sleigh moving faster....so you will pull on those reins and crack your whip and shout to the reindeer to try to get them to move faster and faster....
*When you awaken you are watching the funniest Christmas movie you have ever seen—hilarious--laugh out loud...oh--now it is the saddest Christmas movie (Maddison and Trenty were wiping the tears from their eyes)....now it is the funniest again.
*When you awake you will be all dressed for cold weather and ready to build a snowman....there is 3 feet of snow so it will be hard to walk through...you may have to lift your feet and legs up high to get through the heavy snow....and rolling those big snow balls to make your snowman will be difficult....that snow is heavy...
* You are Santa's head elf....and one of the other elves is slacking off...he is sitting around drinking out in the audience. You need to go out and tell him to get back to work. You will not touch him, but you can talk to him, scold him, even yell at him in order to get him to come back to work. ....go find him and convince him to get back to work or Santa will not have enough toys made for all the children. (Trenty did not go out into the audience, instead he jumped up on stage where Dallas was working the sound/music cues and started yelling at him to get back to work making toys)
*Take off shoes.....your shoes are now phones....(I put them all over the stage) when you hear the phone ringing, it is Santa Claus and you want to answer the phone because you want to tell him what you really want for Christmas this year. You are very excited to tell him. But there are so many phones so you will need to quickly go from phone to phone answering them all til you find the right one. You will have the right one when the ringing stops. Then you can give Santa that important information about what you really really want for Xmas.
*Nutcracker ballet: you are a famous ballet dancer and when you awaken you will be performing in the Nutcracker ballet on stage before thousands...you are very good. Do your best twirls and jumps...you are so graceful. (The guys did some excellent pirouettes!)
*END OF SHOW- Posthypnotic suggestion: when the show is over you will dance your way back to your seat... do your best dancing moves and take your time....do those sexy moves that no one ever gets to see.

Sticky Situation...

gift wrapping tip: if you are holding the present with one hand, and the bit of scotch tape with the other--and the bit of tape gets looped around your finger....do not under any circumstances try to unloop it with your teeth. turns out....certain types of scotch tape will stick to your lip like the wall of a freezer.......and will result in painful partial removal of your bottom lip. (and yes, I have had my lip stuck to a freezer wall before. but that is a story for another time)-- it all seems rather ridiculous....but then my brother told me that he once put crazy glue on his finger and stuck his finger on his cheek--- just to see how well crazy glue works...apparently it works great! ....and now I don't feel quite so ridiculous.)

Lingerie: Part 2 (or are we on Part 3 now?)

Another lingerie-and-me saga: At my desk at work...I look down and see two "puncture" holes in my stockings. Clearly these were made by my pretty white cat who enjoys sticking her paw in my drawer (when I happen to leave it open just a crack) and pulling all the stockings out and onto the floor. I think she is well aware that I have a limited supply---particularly of the nice silky ones I like that can only be purchased in the U.S.
On another note: Look for me next week looking tres chic, wearing a lovely white fur collar attached to my winter coat.....

mmmmmm......stockings....

The many faces of London

...a collage of photos taken during our recent visit to London

a very scary story.....

it was a bit dark..and so as I walked past the large picture window and briefly glimpsed the reflection in the glass, I was startled and a bit frightened---someone was following me. I felt the fear creep up my back and just as my nerves began to jump, I looked again......nobody was following me----turns out it was just my big ass. ...there behind me. (and that is even more frightening...)

My Life of Daily Humiliation

Note to Self: In the future, when changing clothes in your office at the end of the day and carrying your work clothes to your car.... please carry lingerie such as your stockings, in your purse, preferably in an enclosed and zippered pocket.
Work tip for the day: It is very unprofessional to stand around with co-workers laughing about the pair of worn stockings laying on the ground next to the Commander's office door...(particularly when you later discover that they are YOURS)
.... my entire department (including me) spent the whole day laughing about the stockings laying by the Commander's door.... Finally, at the end of the day, someone picked them up. But it wasn't til I got home that night..... putting away my clothes that I noticed that MY stockings were missing.....uh oh. Just another incident where my dignity is slaughtered and laid out for all to see.

Dog Eat Dog

What's worse is I have seen similar behavior exhibited by Dallas over a slice of pizza.

Youtube Debut

Green Day Concert: My 3-second debut on youtube--Great concert! ....I peek into the camera and then look away disgusted---must be due to the crazed sweaty guy jumping up and down next to me (my brother).

VIP passes courtesy of my life-long friend Nancy and her brother

Reasons I love PMS hot flashes

1. Summer clothes are cheaper than winter sweaters and coats. So you can just wear summer stuff all year 'round. Better yet, join a nudist colony and save on clothes altogether.
2. You always have a nice reddened flush to your face (as if you just exited a burning building)
3. All that heat generation must be burning an incredible amount of calories.
4. Good excuse to eat something cold......like icecream.
5. You get extra exercise by taking your sweater on and off and on and off and on and off.
6. The winter heating bill is very low (since the heat is now permanently off in order to keep the house at a near freezing level).
7. Terrycloth sweatbands are bound to come back in style soon.
8. Nobody notices sweat stains when your entire shirt is soaked. The uniformity of the sweat just makes your clothes look one shade darker.
9. You can convince everyone that you are really into working out .....whenever you are hot and sweaty just state "yeah, just got back from the gym...had a great workout".
10. Save money not buying deodorant. It no longer works anyway.....

Sleep deprivation gone awry

I was so tired this morning that instead of shower gel...I put Pantene conditioner on my bath sponge. Well, at least my skin will be manageable and shiny. (hey...it was an honest mistake--the bottles ARE both white with a blue cap!)
And hey---it coulda been worse.....at least I didn't brush my teeth with Vagisil.

A very special Thank You

Dear Facebook~
Thank you so much for sending out (without my permission) those 444 invitations to all my contacts inviting them to join Facebook. It was so exciting today when I was looking at my contacts, searching for a few close friends to invite to Facebook, to suddenly see....."CONGRATULATIONS ! You have successfully invited 444 friends to join Facebook"
(I swear I didn't click on a thing). Since Gmail stores everyone you have ever emailed as a contact---- EVERYONE I have ever emailed in the last decade has now been invited (by me)to join Facebook. And they all received a nice formal email invitation with my current photo right there, embedded in the invitation (just in case they need the face to go with the name....). This included so many wonderful people, such as.... my gynecologist, my lunatic neighbor, one of my paranoid patients, my evil co-worker, the Count de Lichtervelde (my landlord),the crooked company I recently complained about, ebay helpdesk, the entire HR department at work, my lawyer's secretary, the medical technician who does my annual mammograms (cuz you know I want HIM on my Facebook page!) as well as the 226 people who have sent me spam in the the last 3 months. I am sure they are all as thrilled as I was to see that invitation to join Facebook and the special request to be my "friend". So thanks again for making sure that all those whom I never want to hear from again, will be posting messages to me on Facebook daily and viewing all my personal photos and notes. (hey--- maybe even my gynecologist will post some as well...)
I am now going to bed..wishing I could click "undo"