More culture shock....these things did not exist when I last lived in the USA:

*I was in Rite-Aid.. or was it CVS?....or Walgreens?  It was one of those on-every-corner drug stores----and I was wandering around checking out all the stuff-you-never-need/want.  And there in front of me were....Press on Toe-nails!  Now, seriously--  Press/glue on plastic nails are bad enough--but stick-on TOE NAILS?!  So there I was staring at these fake toe-nails.  I was somewhat horrified and yet I found myself strangely drawn to look at them closer.  In the package there were two big nails and then a bunch of little ones to stick over your own toenails.   I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or run screaming with madness from the store.  

*What is the deal with all of the "As Seen on TV!" products?  Isn't pretty much everything "seen on TV"?  Seems like a tricky marketing ploy.  Why not try for "As Seen in the Mall!" or "As Read About Online!" or "As Seen in Your Friend's House" or "As Seen in This Store on This Shelf!"--all of those seem just as good.  

*(I love this one). Television commercials that go like this:  "Hey--ask your doctor about Superla-Anti-depression drug! Works great!  You will feel wonderful and happy and life will be so light and care-free!  However, Superla may cause leg cramps, heart problems, and brain tumors. Oh, and it might also result in dizziness that will cause you to lay in bed all day, blurred vision or blindness and explosive diarrhea and severe ass-rash.  You may also develop a rare blood disease, a skin condition with oozing sores or bleeding hemorrhoids.  But hey--you will no longer be depressed and will so feel happy that you won't care about all that stuff!  So ask your doctor about Superla today!

*Restaurants:  Can I PLEASE eat without being interrupted every 5 minutes by my server?!  I want to enjoy my meal and conversation with my dining companion without some loud waitress/waiter barging up to the table practically screaming "IS EVERYTHING OK? DO YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE? WOULD YOU LIKE DESSERT? ARE YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?  WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WRAP IT UP? HERE IS YOUR CHECK! DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT UP FOR YOU?"  He/she might as well add "DO YOU NEED ME TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR COAT?  CUZ YOU WILL BE LEAVING SOON, RIGHT?"  

And while I am on the subject of restaurants-- it seems strange, after living in the land of waffles for 14 years,  to come to southern USA and find a WAFFLE HOUSE on nearly every corner. Kind of odd.  It would be like having a Sloppy Joe Shack in the heart of the Grand Place in Brussels---completely out of place.  OH, and we passed a place yesterday called "Dutch Monkey Doughnuts".  What is that all about?  I was in the Netherlands almost weekly and I never saw a Dutch monkey (or any type of monkey).  And they don't have doughnuts there either.  (I tried to get Dallas to stop, but he refused---but I will be going back there to find out what a Dutch Monkey Doughnut is---so I willl keep you posted)

.

Music to my ears....

So --I have an 11.5 hour drive from DC to GA...and no iPod connector for the rental car. Hey no problem!  I am in America!  Radio Stations will be in all-English, with lots of great music, right?  Here's how it went:

Virginia:  Channel surfing...let's see...country music.  (um. no) ...commercial...commercial...commercial... country music (still, no)...I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (what the?)...religious channel (no), Rush Limbaugh (NO!), commercial...commercial...country music (UGH)...Tears for Fears (Great!  oh wait....it is the end of the song.  Damn.)...commercial... (stops car as cat has peed in his box, which now needs to be emptied)...commercial...Bob Seger: Night Moves (ok--this will have to do).

North Carolina: commercial.....commercial....country music (this is getting monotonous)...commercial....foreign language channel (WHAT!? I had 21 years of foreign language radio!  I want ENGLISH!)...commercial (stops car to get gas...this area looks dangerous, reminds self that people carry guns here....gets back in car and goes to next exit to get gas).....country music (zzzzzzz)... (Come on! How about Simple Minds? Alphaville? Shriekback? anything 80's?  Please?) ...commercial...country music...Silent Night (really? you're killing me!  it's the 20th of NOVEMBER!)...Bob Seger:  Night Moves (again....well, ok)

South Carolina:  Deck the Halls (now I am getting mad) ...commercial....commercial....more country music (even the cat looks pissed off)...commercial.....country music ( my finger is cramping from all the channel changing)...KC and the Sunshine Band (great! finally- something to keep me awake!)...commercial...(stops car..cat has peed again...could be worse, right?)...Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (someone shoot me)....Bob Seger:  Night Moves (WHAT! Seger must have some kind of hold on the South)

Georgia (YAY!):  let's see what we have here ......commercial......commercial.....country music (uh oh).....Bob Seger: Night Moves (I am a living episode of the Twilight Zone).....wait!  what is this?  OMD?!! (Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark )    Could it be???  YES--it is!---an ALL 80's radio station!  I LOVE Georgia! 

I don't like American TV ...does that make me Euro-Trash?

21 years overseas has left me feeling like a foreigner here in the US of A.  Everywhere I turn is some new, strange concept that I try desperately to digest and understand.  And I can now see how Europeans find us to be utterly incomprehensible.  Today I turned on the TV (for about the 3rd time in 3 months...I haven't worked my way up to any more often than that).  Surely with 362 channels I can find something interesting or even mildly entertaining.  This is some of what I found  :

1. That's My Mama!  (the sequel to "Who's your Daddy?")

2. Gastrosophia (possibly a documentary on Sophia's gastrointestinal problems--not for the squeamish)

3. Never Rake Again! (this was apparently a movie about the advantages of over-logging the rain forest)

4. Bosom Buddies (Remember that series?  Tom Hanks in drag...what would Wilson think?)

5.  Lonely Divorcees: Filthy Ho's (I swear--I am not making these up!)

6.   Best Bra Ever (This show was taken off the air due to lack of support)

7.    Corn College TV (filmed in Iowa apparently)

8.  Bareknuckle Beatdowns 2 (while living overseas, I missed Bareknuckle Beatdowns part 1.  I will have to get it on DVD)

9.  Shark Vacuum (in the same product line as the Dolphin Toaster, the Sea Cucumber Mixer, the Jelly Fish Blender, and the Giant Squid Electric Can Opener)

10. Winter's Bone (This may have been on a Pay for View channel..not sure)

11.  Salvation Station (at first I thought it was called Salivation Station....now that actually sounds more interesting)

12.  Hip Hop Abs (endorsed by Kanye West who says " Hey Suzanne Somers....I'm real happy for ya, and I'ma let you finish, that Thighmaster is OK, but the Hip Hop Abs is the best exercise gimmick of all times!)

13.  Dive, Olly, Dive (Run, Forest, Run)

14. Suffering Joints? (A sad movie about the pain felt by Marijuana growers world-wide)

15.   and last but not least.....Sarah Palin's Alaska (I ran screaming from the room)

And this is where I turned the TV off.   Wouldn't you?

Please, don't anyone try to explain to me what any of these shows are about....I don't want to know. Really.  

Thank you.

Me....singing

Dallas made this video of me singing Other Side of the World (with all of his favorite photos of me) .....I think he must be missing me.

Mid-week Faux Pas

Came down the big winding stairwell at work....all the way down 3 large flights of stairs.... singing..... Billie Jean (....is not my lover.  She's just a girl who claims that I am the one...)  Loudly.  With Michael Jackson falsetto.  With mouth-made musical sound effects.  As I rounded the last corner which opens up to the large lobby at NCIS (still singing enthusiastically), I walked right into a military formation....made up of about 30 Sailors---standing at attention in the lobby.  Stoically. Silently.  Several Commanding Officers stood in front of them (apparently doing some kind of inspection) and turned to stare at me.  I stopped singing mid-chorus. ... and with a little wave walked out the door.  I am not sure, but I could swear I heard loud laughter as I walked away from the building.  I laughed too.  (so technically they were laughing with me, not at me.)

True words

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. 
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I get up at 3 AM and....

I may have the longest commute in the world....but it is also one of the best!  On the way to work every day I see.....the colorful fall trees--blowing leaves around in the early hours, the Washington monument standing tall and proud, the Lincoln Memorial lit up against the black sky, the wide Potomac river curving against the highway, the dome of the White House in the distance, the Pentagon (where I catch the third leg of my travels), the silent...peaceful Arlington cemetery, the Jefferson memorial--bright in the darkness, and finally a glowing pink and orange sunrise.  (of course I see all of this only if I manage to stay awake during the 2 and a half hour trek)---

This is just wrong.

You know something is wrong in the universe when your bus to work passes the donut shop and it is still closed...and in fact, the lights aren't even on yet. It's a sad day when you are up before the guy who makes the donuts.

Next time it will be pretzels.

I am at work eating sunflower nuts right now (not the seeds....but the small, minuscule little bits inside the shells).  Have you ever tried to eat these tiny things? They taste great....but how the hell are they supposed to be eaten?  I have tried pouring a bit in my hand and then tossing them in my mouth.  This doesn't work so well--- most of them miss my mouth and instead I end up just throwing them at my face resulting in a stinging face pummel, with the nuts  showering my face and then bouncing off and ending up all over the floor.  I have also tried putting some in my hand and just eating them directly from my palm.  However, this is a difficult process.  I have to either use my lips to pick them up from my palm (thereby looking like some kind of a freaky fish eating fish food) or lick them with my tongue. It is somewhat embarrassing (and can severely detract from your professional credibility) when your boss walks by your cubicle just in time to see you lapping hungrily at the palm of your hand.  I have also tried pinching a few nuts with my fingers and placing them in my mouth.  This procedure is much more dignified...but it then takes 20 minutes just to get a mouthful since I can only pinch 4 or 5 nuts at a time.  The next technique I tried is to literally pour them into my mouth directly from the bag, which reminded me of the disgusting technique of gavage--- the force feeding of grain to geese in order to make their livers enlarged and fatty resulting in the delicacy-- foie gras.  I saw this done in Périgord France where 80% of the world's foie gras is produced, and I can tell you that I don't care how good it tastes...I can never eat something resulting from that kind of animal torture. But I am getting away from my story...  anyway this gavage-like technique of pouring the bulk of the nuts directly into my mouth works great... but again--a bit uncouth. I mean--not that I am the most dignified of eaters, but when you work in a cubicle and your snacking habits are visible to the world, you at least try to keep up the appearance of being somewhat civilized.  So I sit here thinking that perhaps I should just choose a different snack to bring to work----something that is easily consumed and does not require multiple test trials in order to figure out how to get it from the packaging to my stomach. (by the way, the area around my desk chair now resembles the bottom of a bird cage). 

Belgium....Belgium.....Belgium

How I miss my Belgium.....

You are not in Oz anymore Dorothy

I have been in Washington DC now for 3 weeks.....and I feel as though I am in a foreign country (which technically I am--after living overseas for 21 years)...I am now in the land of the BIG. ---big houses, big cars, big gulps, big portions, big stores, big asses....and it is giving me a BIG headache. I knew I would have some culture shock but this is ridiculous. And now I have Atlanta to look forward to----some more culture shock----fried-up southern style. I will be like some freak down there...unable to understand a single word they say, unable to figure out how to use the credit card swiping machines at every checkout counter (they don't have them in stores in Europe--because credit cards are not frequently used--if at all---), and unable to choose simple things, like a deodorant ...when shopping-- due to the hundreds of choices (in Belgium, I had 5 to pick from). Things have changed in the US since I lived here back in 1989. Speed eating is the accepted norm... and I now have 362 TV channels (with nothing interesting on at all) compared to the 7 channels I had in Belgium (also with nothing interesting on at all). And styles are different here from those in Europe. Like---what is up with the ultra-long toenails on women? They stick out an inch past the toes! Not only do I find that disturbing--it looks a bit dangerous.....I keep wondering things like---Do they have to buy a bigger shoe to accommodate those extra long daggers? Do they puncture holes in their socks? (and stockings must surely be shredded by lunchtime) And what about their husbands?! Do they have big gashes on their legs from where those weapons of flesh destruction tear at their legs all night? And since when did wearing your breasts under your chin become fashionable? I see all the young girls wearing those push-up bras that practically lift them up around their necks. It's all a bit much for me. I need a waffle and a glass of wine.....

Bracing for Culture Shock

Day 1
Actual conversation
United Airline Ticket Agent: That will be 200 dollars for your in-cabin cat.
Me: 200 dollars?!
Her: Yes. 200 dollars.
Me: 200 dollars?---Does my cat get a seat of his own?
Her: No
Me: An in-flight meal?
Her: No
Me: Bag of cat treats?
Her: No (with cold stare)
Me: How 'bout a packet of peanuts?
Her: (silence with cold stare)
Me: guess not.....

Flight Attendant (in thick French accent): Would you like chicken or pasta?
Translation: Would you like paper or plastic? (also in thick French accent)

10:30 PM (4:30 AM Belgian time): Go to bed.
11:19 PM: Wake up. (cat is on my back)
12:50 AM: Wake up again. (cat is laying on my arm, staring at me)
1:24 AM Wake up ....again (cat is massaging my hair)
2:05 AM: Wake up .........again. (cat is trying to burrow under my blanket)
3:30 AM: Wake up. Time to get up to get ready for work! (did I even sleep?)
4:30 AM: Leave for work. (are you kidding me?)
4:55 AM: Arrive at bus stop and board bus.
6:00 AM Arrive at Pentagon and get on second bus.
6:15 AM: Arrive at Navy Yard and wait for shuttle bus.
6:46 AM: Conclude that I missed the shuttle bus. Wait for next one.
7:15 AM: Conclude that I must not be standing in the right spot. Spend next half hour asking bus drivers, pedestrians, and street people about shuttle. Discover nobody knows anything. (or is it.... everybody knows nothing?)
7:52 AM: Homeless woman asks "are you ok?" (you know it's bad when the homeless people are concerned and are consoling you)
8:15 AM: Someone at work finally answers phone.
8:45 AM: Picked up by someone from office.
9:00 AM: Arrive at work.
9:01 AM: Wishing I were back in Belgium.

Day 2-4
It certainly didn't help that I had not slept more than 4 hours a night during the two weeks prior to the move....and then had jet lag on top of that. So after flying in on Sunday and then starting work Monday...that first week of getting up at 3:30 AM for work every day was brutal. My brain was numb and I was barely functioning. I washed my face with conditioner in the shower, stubbed my toe (hard) on a chair at work I apparently didn't notice, one morning I put masquera on only one eye, fell asleep at my desk (in my cubicle---where everyone can see me), couldn't do basic math in my head (and mis-figured a critical calculation), and wore my stockings inside out on day two. It was a week of a comedy of errors.

Update: Week 2
My spiked high heel got caught in the grate at the bus stop yesterday while I was waiting for the bus. So as everyone stood around watching, I not-so-casually stepped out of my shoe and had to squat down and work it back out of the grate--it took me 5 minutes. (and I did hear people snickering) Oh, and my toenail got caught on the carpet tonight and half of it was ripped off... and I am still so tired that today I was contemplating the possibility of getting my eyelashes weaved up into my eyebrows -- at least I could then keep my eyes open.

a little self-talk

A recent conversation with a friend--
He said: Well, in January when I got up to 212 pounds, I said to myself, "Self--you gotta do something." So I started eating better, working out, riding my bike, and in general, just taking better care of myself.
Me: That's funny--I had the same conversation with myself...to which my "Self" replied, "Shut up bitch and pass the Doritos."

Thank you!

Thank you to all my great and supportive friends! ....especially Kim and Steve~ without you I would most certainly be getting fitted for a straight jacket.