hmmmmmmmmmmmm

he said "you have an ass like J LO"........i smiled. um...wait.....or did he say..... JELLO???!

food for thought

my PMS diet:
breakfast: chocolate drink, chocolate waffles with chocolate sauce
mid-morning snack: chocolate bar
pre-lunch snack: hershey kisses (as many as needed)
lunch: chocolate chip bread with chocolate spread, chocolate milk, chocolate cookies
mid-afternoon snack: chocolate wafer
dinner: chocolate casserole, mashed chocolate with chocolate gravy and chocolate pie a la chocolate mode

tips for 2009

Note to the French: chocolate is a dessert. cheese is not. please stop trying to serve it to me as one.
Note to Self: chocolate is not a meal. please stop trying to pretend it is.

New Year Goal

I am going to write my memoir....it will be titled~"my life with cat vomit"

why i am a night person

7:00 alarm goes off. hit snooze.
7:08 alarm goes off. hit snooze (can skip breakfast).
7:15 alarm goes off. push cat off head. hit snooze (can take a really quick shower).
7:23 alarm goes off. wipe cat drool off neck. hit snooze (can really hurry).
7:31 alarm goes off. crap. I'm going to be late! throw back covers. (cats go flying). jump out of bed.
7:38 finish quick shower. dig through ironing basket in hopes to find something with minimal wrinkles. find skirt and sweater.
7:47 dry hair. use extra gel as hair has static and little pieces are sticking up on top of head. (why do I have little short pieces of hair all over the top of my head?) realize that cat kneading head with claws every morning has probably caused broken hair. curse cat.
7:55 look for contact lens that has been inserted but somehow has disappeared into the nether regions of eyeball.
8:00 locate contact stuck to wrist.
8:02 put on makeup trying to ignore cats clawing at legs and biting ankles.
8:06 give up. feed cats.
8:09 back to makeup. what the...... oh great. where did that big red blotch come from? try unsuccessfully to cover red blotch with heavy makeup.
8:13 clean up cat vomit.
8:16 clean up additional cat vomit. curse cat.
8:19 put on tights. why is the crotch at my knees? dig through drawer for another pair. while putting on tights, fingernail punches through and makes big hole in thigh. put on skirt to see if hole will be covered. hole is just below hemline. curse tights.
8:23 frantically look through drawer for another pair of clean tights. find old pair in back of drawer. (only have hole in toe. fine)
8:25 get bag. look for keys in bag. no keys. search house for keys. no keys.
8:32 call husband's cell phone to ask if he has seen keys. he hasn't.
8:33 still no keys. consider calling in sick (could stay home and clean house that is now torn apart due to looking for keys).
8:35 find keys. (in coat pocket)
8:36 go to fridge for protein/health beverage to drink in car. grab drink. put drink back. grab snickers bar.
8:38 leave for work (late) with hair sticking up, wearing wrinkled skirt and faded tights, red blotch showing through makeup, coat covered in cat hair, and chocolate and caramel stuck in teeth.

December 18

When the cat litter is glittering and your tinsel is missing.....be very afraid.

hypnosis show

Just a few highlights from my hypnosis show last night--
*For the rest of the night your name will be Tinkerbell.....anytime I call you anything else you will correct me and insist that I call you Tinkerbell (Chris was hilarious when he jumped up out of his chair, jingled imaginary bells in his hand and DEMANDED that I call him Tinkerbell).
*Every time I say the words "fried egg" your chair will heat up, so much so ...that you will jump out of the chair because your seat will be so hot.
*You can only walk backwards (then I have them walk around the room).
*Your shoes are now cute adorable puppies. You will want to take them off and hold and cuddle and kiss your puppies. And puppies do not understand English~you will have to speak to them by barking. (Tami even took off her knee-high boots so that she could cuddle them).
*You are actors in a Japanese rice commercial. You now know how to speak Japanese and can only speak Japanese in the commercial. (I then give them a bag of rice and a microphone—too funny for words.)
*You are a belly dancer and have been training for the last year for a big competition. The competition is tonight. When you hear the belly dancing music you will jump up from your chair and do your best belly dancing. (the guys were fantastic)
*When the show ends ....as you leave the stage....you will DANCE your way back to your table --you will use your sexiest, wildest, craziest dance moves.....the ones that no one has ever seen....the ones you do when no one is watching.
I had nineteen volunteers. The seven I kept on stage were hysterically funny.

really useless information

there is a common belief that when your palm itches it means that you are going to come into some money. well, today the bottom of my foot is itching ..........hey---maybe that means that i will get a new pair of shoes! .....well, probably more likely it means that i will step into cat vomit. (uh oh....i am seeing a theme in my blogs......this is not a good sign).

hypnosis show tonight in brussels! there are 40 reservations so far.........and i have put together one of my best routines yet----lots of surprises........

Chop-Chop!!

Getting a haircut in Belgium is …well...an experience. In the crowded and busy salon one guy washed my hair with cherry-almond scented shampoo and gave me a wonderful scalp massage. Then another guy cut my hair. Then guy number one dried and styled my hair (unfortunately his deodorant had expired hours earlier). Then half-way through the drying and styling he stopped and a girl took over and finished it. Then guy number 2 (the cutter) came back and sprayed some kind of mousse all over in the air above my head. It flew around my head in little bits like confetti. As he sprayed he yelled "Yay!! Obama!!" And after they all finished with this big hair-cutting event, the entire hair salon cheered for my hair! (By the way…the cut was fabulous.)

I’ll drink to that

at my friends' recent wedding in slovenia I was asked to give the toast. if you know me at all you know that it was not a "normal" toast. of course I gave the typical congratulations bit........but the rest was sarcasm and humor~ Tanya-style (involving comments about "kind eyes" and a serial killer). afterwards a British guy approached me and told me that the toast was fantastic and that the delivery and timing were perfect. (I blushed) he then said that I had a job working for him in london anytime I wanted it. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ..........with a crowd of people looking at me anxiously I replied..."a job?....what?--this doesn't involve working in a bar does it? ....one with poles?"

p.s. (no---turns out he works in advertising/marketing and sales--and I haven't quit my current job .....yet)

Bosniaks, Croats, and Serbs...OH MY!

Back from almost 3 weeks in the former Yugoslavia. Went to Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia-Hezegovina, and Montenegro.

Slovenia: This was our 5th trip here, and it really is one of my favorite places. On this trip we enjoyed going to our friends' wedding (the most international wedding I have ever attended---Brits, Scots, Slovenians, Phillipinas, Austrians, Canadians, Jamaicans......and just us and 2 other Americans). I had the best dessert I have ever had the pleasure of tasting--”Sans Rival”. It is a Phillipino cake and it's now my favorite dessert (which is saying a lot, cuz quite frankly my list of favorite desserts is an endless scroll!) And the town of Bled was so beautiful with the cliff top castle, mist rising up from the lake, and the blazing fall colors burning on the trees. Slovenia is what fairytales are made of.....

Croatia!: It was our first time in Croatia and I was amazed....water the color of emeralds and turquoise.......warm sun every day (we're not in Belgium anymore Toto). The medieval hill towns were surreal--like something from another time---wait....they ARE from another time. ...Palace ruins sitting majestically in the center of the city, inviting you to have a seat on their steps where ancient kings once tromped. Medieval walled stone towns with no cars (what?!). Once you are in, you just hope you can find your way out---like a rat in a maze you make every turn thinking~seems like we were here before. And then there are the ISLANDS.....surrounded by mountains and water that is impossibly colorful and amazingly clear at the same time. You have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not a dream.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: The town of Mostar--so sad and moving. Bullet holes and mortar damage still evidenced everywhere. And that beautiful Mostar bridge--tragically destroyed during the war and then lovingly restored afterwards. This place was the most thought-provoking and beautiful of all the places we visited. It took my vacation mind and swept it back to the harsh realities of our world, to the brutality of war, to the sadness and horror of the battles people fight. Slav against Slav, neighbor against neighbor.......destruction and bloodshed still drape the streets of Mostar. The not so distant sights, sounds, and smells of war still echo there. But in all this horror you can also see the beauty of the people of Mostar--the determination of these people to lovingly rebuild their village and that beautiful fateful bridge. It now stands as a symbol of the harmony of this village that was once destroyed but is now renewed.

Montenegro: A country that has a long and interesting history ---and a country with brand new independence! (2006). This place is shaking off the dust of the war and pushing forward toward a brighter future. With mountains, fjords, aqua-colored bays, lovely stone villages, and little islands with mysterious legends---this new country is unspoiled. We are so lucky to have seen it now, before everyone else discovers it and it becomes overrun by tacky tourism.

my life

I am sound asleep (dreaming of fountains of chocolate, a world without taxes, a life with a smaller ass...) and suddenly Prutske (the white cat) jumps from the bed as if she has been electrified (OK--I know that this is the normal way all cats leap from the bed in the middle of the night when we are sleeping---but this leap was especially exuberant). I am now awake with my face resting on the pillow, facing the wall. I open my eyes slowly. What is that?...that blurry thing sitting there? Ohhhhhhh....it's just Minuit (the black cat). What is he doing? Why is he sitting there like that......staring up at the ceiling and moving his head back and forth? Still in a fog I roll over onto my back and look up. I see a moth fluttering around (not uncommon --- here in Belgium they don't believe in screens and the windows are wide open in the bedroom). Wow --that is a big moth. Wait........that seems way too big to be a moth. (I put on my glasses)...great. It's a bat.  Apparently he mistook my bedroom for the batcave.  So begins the night of chasing a bat through the house and out a window. Of course the cats were no help whatsoever (I tried to point out that a a bat is just a mouse with wings--but since they ignore any mice that venture into the house.... why should this be any different. And let's not forget the squirrel that came in through the window. They practically played with him!) So then this morning one of them (they never own up to who does what) left vomit on my bedroom floor. See---one day I am frolicking on the shores of Croatia.....the next I am cleaning up cat vomit. Life is full of twists and turns. And tomorrow has to be better.......anything is a step up from cat vomit.

three things i am grateful for today:

the color green. today i noticed the trees and the grass seemed so vibrant and at the same time so dark......... the green nearly colliding with the electric blue of the sky. an amazing color... green....almost alive.

my grandma prevo. she was so kind and thoughtful and generous. she was not materialistic. she cared for people. the relationships in her life were most important to her. she always remembered me no matter where i was, no matter what i was doing, no matter how many grandchildren she had. she made me feel special. i hope i am like her in some way.

my tears. without them i would not appreciate my laughter.

you are getting verrrrry sleeeepy.....

i just got home from my hypnosis show at the club on base. i had about 75 people come to see the show. then i had around 17 volunteers, 6 of whom turned out to be the BEST subjects i have ever had. 2 of them literally fell out of their seats they were so far under.....this was my best show ever!

special thanks to carlos (aka elvis) for volunteering to be a subject....for the 5th time!