In the year 2020

First let me say that I LOVE COSTCO.   1.  They take back everything (They once took back an electric toothbrush that stopped working.  ----I had used it for two years.  They took it back.  All I wanted was a copy of my receipt so I could send it in as it was still under warranty.  COSTCO took it back.  They actually insisted.)  2.  You can eat lunch for free on a Saturday.   Just walk around and sample all the foods they are preparing.  Just last weekend I had a delicious lunch of rice pilaf, Greek cherry yogurt, kettle corn, instant mashed potatoes, apple juice, dark chocolate covered cranberries and a chewy vitamin C gummy.  and 3.  They have some really great buys.  

When I first returned from Europe, going into COSTCO was just too overwhelming.  I wasn't used to the huge-ness that is America.  The big-bigger-biggest-is-best culture in which we live.  After 22 years abroad, where petite and condensed rule, our over-the-top grand style had me running for the door after just a few minutes in any large store. Especially COSTCO, king of American mammoth proportions.  But I have gotten over all that.  I can now manage pretty much any American shopping experience (for a limited amount of time).

I have learned one thing about shopping big.....impulse buying can be a mistake on a grand scale.  No "little" mistakes are made at COSTCO.  Normal buyers remorse can quickly morph into regret on a colossal scale. For example, while there last week, I saw a great deal on Q-tips.  Just so happens we were out of Q-tips, so it seemed like a great buy.  Until I got home.  Then I realized that the 3-pack I purchased was 3 extra-large (HUGE) packages that totaled over 2000 Q-tips.  As I tend to use one per day, this would mean that I had enough Q-tips to last nearly 6 years.  

Well, that's just great.  I don't really have anyplace in the bathroom to store 2000 Q-tips.  And do they expire? Disintegrate?  Will they really last til the year 2020?  Maybe there is some other use for them.  Maybe I can start a new hobby that involves Q-tips, like some kind of Q-tip craft.  Or maybe I can use them on the cats' ears (3 cats= 3 more Q-tips per day=  my Q-tips will be used up in 2 years).  I even Googled "things you can do with Q-tips" and found a site titled "Cool things you can do with Q-tips".  That got me pretty excited.  I can not only use up my Q-tips, but I can be really cool while doing so.  But much to my dismay, this site only had five "cool" things.  None were cool, unless you consider their #1 suggestion--- "cleaning out the creases" ---to be cool.  Then I found a site "How to make your mom flowers out of Q-tips. Just in Time for Mother's Day" (not making this up).  Yeah. Nothing says "I love you Mom" like ear-wax-remover-flowers.   I also found a site detailing how to make a Q-tip blow gun.  Instructions state that you should tape a needle to the end of the Q-tip.  But there was the following warning:  DO NOT SHOOT AT SOMEONE WITH THIS KIND OF PROJECTILE! These are for balloon popping only."  So next time I have some balloons that need popping I am all set! The most disturbing website was titled "Don't use Q-tips to clean your ears!".  Apparently it is not safe.  

Now I have nearly 2000 Q-tips that I can't use for the sole purpose for which they are bought.  

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Is it time for your rear alignment?

Voicemail message left for me:  (In a severely heavy Southern accent)....Hello.  This is Wanda from Dr. Loran's office.  I am calling to remind you about your appointment next Friday, March 25th at 10 AM.  Please come in 20 minutes early for your ANAL exam.  

WHAT???  What did she say?  I replay the message.  ----um. .....WHAT??!!  Why do I need an ANAL exam?!!!  This can't be right.  She must have called the wrong person. 

Me:  Hi.  This is Tanya Oskey calling.  You called me and left a message on my voicemail....

Wanda:  Good morning Mrs. Oskey.  Yes, I was calling to remind you about your appointment. 

Me:  Yes, about that appointment......I think you must have me confused with another patient.  What kind of appointment do you have me down for? 

Wanda:  This appointment is for your ANAL exam.

Me: (stifling a choking sound)  Why do I need an ANAL exam?  I didn't schedule that!  And I don't think my anus needs any examining right now.  It seems fine.  Really.

(I think I was nearing tears at this point)

Wanda:  (after a few long moments of silence)  Mrs. Oskey.  (She now speaks slowly and a bit loudly, enunciating each syllable and word in an exaggerated manner)  This has nothing to do with your EYE-NIS.  This is your AIN-YELL exam.  AIN-YELL.  Your AIN-YELL check-up.  NOT AIN-ALL.  This has nothing to do with anything AIN-ALL.

Me:  (after a few long moments of silence---as my mind catches up with her accent).   Oh.  Oh yeah...my ANNUAL exam.  Got it.  OK.  Well, thanks.  I guess I will see you on Friday.  (And I wipe the tears from my eyes)

Once again....translation is not translation when living in the deep south. 

A bit of advice I sent to my niece on her 22nd birthday

Things I wish I had known when I was 22....1. stay out of the sun and wear sunscreen EVERYDAY (you think you look young now....but that sun is already making you age!) 2. enjoy the journey....even the lows--- the challenges and hard times in life are the times when we grow and learn and become better (we don't learn and grow much during the easy times) so be thankful even when times are rough 3. don't lose touch with the good people in your life, surround yourself with them. surround yourself with people who bring you joy. 4. LOSE the losers, the greedy, the shallow, the liars---no matter who they are. you don't need or want them in your life. 5. more money and material things do not make you happier. it's the people and experiences that bring depth, peace, and value to your life. 6. never stop learning. no matter what. no matter how old you are. (hence my new-found electric guitar interest) 7. let go of anger. most of the time it serves no purpose and just makes you look ugly. 8. be more patient --nothing is more beautiful. 9. don't stress....it all works out in the end (and you will look back and say to yourself "why was i so stressed about that---i wasted all my time worrying about something that never happened") just give yourself permission to worry when it really happens. not before. 10. have a sense of humor ---about everything. because really....most things are funny if you look at them from a certain angle. 11. get a cat. (or a dog)---but not until you have the time, energy and money to take care of it like it is your child. if you can't do that then DON'T get one! 12. don't rush to have kids . in fact, you can skip it altogether if you want.....nothing in life says you must have a child. (get a cat instead) 13. love the rain. there is beauty even in the grayest of days. 14. don't let time slip away. live life every day, enjoy the moments. plan for future and cherish and learn from the past. but keep yourself in the present (The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle----READ IT) and last but not least......15. be kind. to everyone. even those who treat you badly (they probably need it the most). you will be a better person for it. Well, I wish the 22 year old Tanya had this list----but here it is for you--my best advice to my younger mini-me! love you!! xoooxoo

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICIA!

Bared at my new job (No, that is not a typo.)

First day at my new job.  I wanted to make a good impression.  I was on my best behavior.  I was attentive to everything I was being shown and told.  And then......well, then I really showed my ass.  (Oh Mary Anne and Jennifer....you are going to love this....).   Yes, I did.  I showed my ass on my first day of work.   Not figuratively (that would have been much better).  No, literally--I showed it.  I went to the restroom and came out, walked down the hall a ways and heard someone yelling " Excuse me!  Excuse me!"  I turned around (along with my 2 new coworkers) to see a lady running toward us, waving her arms.  She catches up and says (to me) with a heavy southern drawl,  "Yur skirt is tucked up in yur waistband!  And we can see this much of yur BEE-HIND!"  (that's how they say it down here....BEE-hind, emphasis on the BEE).   She then shows me by gesturing with her hands just how much of my BEE-hind (emphasis on the BEE) everyone can see.  I said (being used to these kind of incidents) "thank you very much", reached around and pulled my skirt down over my BEE-hind, shrugged at my 2 new co-workers, and walked on.   So much for my good impression.  On the bright side.....any mistakes I make after today will just pale in comparison.  (and if this story gives you a deja vu feeling.......it's because this is not my first lingerie faux pas---yes, unfortunately--for me-- you have heard this story before.  See Facebook Note dated March 9, 2013 titled "I am like a generous Pirate.....I share my booty.")

Will that be one hump or two?

Recently, while driving through the Ozarks in Arkansas, we saw a house with camels in the front yard (not just one camel...but two).  What the....?  This was not a petting zoo, or a camel farm, or a sanctuary ---just someone's fenced in front yard, with a couple of camels strolling around.  We rode camels in Egypt and Morocco----but that makes sense.  You know....sand, desert, pyramids....camels belong there don't they. ----But Camels + Ozark Mountains = My what strange lives we lead up here yonder in the mountains where no one can really monitor what we are up to.  .....And what are they up to? What are they doing with those camels?  Are they pets?  Modes of Ozark transportation?  Food????  Leftover camels from the Civil War?  Well, I wanted to stop and go up to their door and ask them.  But Dallas just kept driving. Then he looked at me and said (with a redneck southern drawl) " Yer not in Oz anymore Dorothy" 

and just in case you thought I was kidding.....

The New Addiction

 In this world......Don't we have enough items paired with chocolate?  There's chocolate covered fruit, pretzels, cookies, peanut butter, donuts, coffee beans, nuts of all kinds, even chocolate covered insects.  But no, apparently there are not enough food items coated with chocolate.  They had to think of yet one more.   Salted Caramel.  

Mine came in the mail today.  A gift from my special cousin Jeannie.  And there were just a dozen.  ....Beautiful little squares of caramel, covered in a deep dark chocolate.  And then sprinkled with sea salt.  I decided to eat one-a-day (like the vitamin).  So I tried my first one tonight.  Even though it was small, I ate it in 5 delicate little-mini-bites and savored it as long as I could.  The combination of the creamy caramel, rich dark chocolate, and saltiness is something I have never quite tasted before.  I have renamed this treat what it should be called---CRACK. 

Then Dallas came in and wondered what was in the big box. I showed him my 12 small caramels.  (There was a big shipping box because they packed the tiny package of caramels in with a huge gel coolant pack so they wouldn't spoil----must be all that fresh cream and butter!)  Because I am so nice (plus he was staring at me while I was finishing off the last bit of mine), I offered him one of my little precious chunks of crack.  He accepted my offer (dammit!)  and popped the entire thing in his mouth. 

WHAT THE HELL!  You don't shove the whole thing in your mouth at once!  Are you crazy!!??......these have to be savored!  They have to be enjoyed slowly!  These are not ROLOs or Milk Duds for crying out loud!

Well, maybe now---after being chastised---he will never accept an offer of caramel crack again....One can only hope. (and now I really do resemble a crack addict.....I have hidden my drug-of-choice-caramels in the butter compartment of the refridgerator.  I am no longer sharing my stash.)

Floss, you may have won this time....but I will return

My dentist has told me that I have tight teeth.  Apparently the spaces between my teeth are unusually small.  Doesn't seem like such a big deal until you get something stuck between them. Then it becomes an all-night ordeal; one that requires ingenuity, strength and patience.  

Just last night I had a piece of a peanut caught between my top front teeth.  So I got out my slick waxed dental floss to work it out. After about 5 minutes of carefully sawing the floss back and forth between my teeth, I still had not extracted the peanut.  So I decided to just pull the floss out and hope that the nut popped out with it.  But I found that I couldn't do that. Because now the dental floss was stuck. It wouldn't even move anymore--not at all.  It was totally frayed and locked in place, all jammed up in there with that stupid nut.  So now I have a nut in between my top front teeth along with 2 long white strings of floss dangling out of my mouth laying across my lip and hanging down my chin.

After 15 more minutes of futile, maddening tugging at the floss which is now a tangled mess crammed up between my 2 teeth, I rummaged through the bathroom cabinet hoping to find some tool or mini crowbar to use to work on my problem.  Oh yay!  I found some really slick, super slippery glide floss, which states clearly on the package that it "easily gets to 100% of hard to reach places for an ultimate clean without fraying, catching, or sticking."  Great!  Sounds like I found the solution.  So I tear off a good long strand of the silky-feeling blue dental floss, wrap it tightly around my fingers, and get to work.  

After several minutes of working the floss into the spot, I begin gently pulling at it so that I can work it  back out, skillfully pulling on the smooth blue floss, which at this point is nearly amputating the tips of my fingers.  But I keep at it as I am anxious to set the both the peanut and the dangling, mangled white floss free.  At this point I begin wondering if anyone has ever had an accidental tooth extraction with floss, as it now feels like I am on the verge of pulling my tooth out.  On about the 5th gentle tug the slippery smooth, easily-gets-into-100%-of-hard-to-reach-places  blue floss breaks. That's right.  Apparently it can get into 100% of the hard to reach spots,  but not always out of them.  And now, it too is stuck between my teeth and won't budge.

So ---- I take a good look at myself.   I am standing in front of the mirror, with 2 long strands of white floss, and now 2 additional very long lengths of blue floss hanging out my mouth, down my chin, and continuing to dangle down about shoulder length.  Oh--and one very annoying peanut poking out near my gumline.  And the peanut is now jammed further up into my gums so that it feels much larger and is even more uncomfortable.  

With no solution in sight and my precious beauty sleep ticking away, as it is now close to midnight,  I get out a pair of scissors.  I cut the 2 white and 2 blue strings of floss that are hanging out of my mouth.  I trimmed them as close as I could to my teeth.  I was out of ideas.  And patience.

 As I headed off to bed, I was certain that there would be a lot less smiling going on in those therapy sessions tomorrow.

....and all I could hope for is that the following day my patients would not notice my new tooth accessories.  (although blue and white are my colors)

Life of Pie

Recent dinner conversation--

As we are eating VERY large portions of pie....

My Oh-So-Skinny-Friend:  Wow!  These slices are huge!  But no problem for me.  You know, the doctor told me I have a very fast metabolism.  

Not-So-Skinny-Me:  Really?  You know, I too have a very fast metabolism........

.....................but apparently I can very easily outrun it.  

I am like a generous Pirate.....I share my booty.

Why must nearly every day of my life be a comedy of errors?  And why must they be errors involving lingerie?  

I ask myself these deep questions often.  ....too often.  

So today I remind myself one more time----Please, Tanya....please, please, PLEASE----

ALWAYS check your skirt.  Check your skirt after you go to the restroom.  Check to make sure it did not somehow get tucked up into the waistband.  Check it well.  Check it twice.  Three times even.  But please CHECK IT.

Because---if you don't--- you will surely walk through the office, passing everyone (even a few patients), then walk out the door,  drive down to the gas station, parade through the gas station shop.....long before you suddenly realize that you feel a breeze up your backside.  ...and you will then say loudly "What the.....Dammit Tanya!!"  ....so loudly that everyone in the store looks over at you just in time to see you reaching behind, clutching and grabbing at your backside and yanking your skirt down.

Oh wait.... it gets a bit better!  Fortunately I did have stockings on.  Unfortunately ...that was it.  

Just stockings.  .....very very sheer stockings.

Dammit Tanya!

Just another day in the life of me.....and my lingerie (and lack thereof).  

Hit me up Laquisha

I have had my phone for 6 months. But I am still getting frequent texts and voicemail messages for the former owner of my number. Apparently my phone number previously belonged to Laquisha. Seriously. Laquisha.

Then my brother recommended I download an app. --some kind of call or text blocker.  And while that is a great idea... who would take all of Laquisha's messages for her? 

So  I now have a new voice mail recording on my phone:

Hi. I know you are probably calling for Laquisha. As you may have guessed, I am not her. However, if you would like to leave a message I will write it down. I am collecting all of her messages as I may run into her one day. So please feel free to tell me whatever you would like to tell Laquisha. I am a therapist, so confidentiality is of course of the utmost importance. In fact, if you would like to leave some really personal information on my voicemail, feel free. If you require therapy services, maybe we can work out an arrangement. But I am not cheap. Well, I was once accused of being cheap, but that is in my past. Oh, and I am writing a book. So you may be in it. Don’t worry, all names will be changed to protect anonymity. (…except for those who have crossed me. I will leave their names in the book.) So just leave me your message for Laquisha and I will do my best to locate her and pass it on.

P.S. If you happen to see Laquisha tell her that Veronique called and wants her hair weave back. It sounded rather urgent.

mmmmm.....BACON.

At the end of a therapy session....

Patient X:  (with VERY heavy accent/Southern drawl) Ya know....you really are jest like a bacon.

Me:  (what????)   I am?   Well......thank you.    I happen to think bacon is great. 

Patient X:  A bacon is great.   Yur personality is just like a bacon......from thuh naaht sky above us. 

Me:  (has he stopped taking his meds???  oh crap....maybe he is having delusions right  now!)  

Me: (in my best calming therapist voice)  Sooooo.....tell me about the bacon from the sky.   

Patient X:  I am trying to tell you! It's like this.....you draw othahs in tuh-ward you.......like a bacon.  

Me:  Okaaaay.... Tell me a bit more about the bacon.

Patient X:  I am jest usin a figger of speech!!  ....comparin' you to a bacon--a bacon of light!

Me:  Bacon of light?  Oh...wait.....you mean beacon of light!  

Patient X:  That is what Ah said!  A bacon of light!

Me:  Well--- thank you.  That is a very nice thing to say.  And I like beacons almost as much as I like bacon.  So, thank you, thank you very much.

Bacon of Light....we really do exist.

(Maybe if it was a WET paper bag)

There are some things I am very good at doing, and others that I accomplish in just a so-so manner.  Then are the things that I am horrible at doing.  And then, just below that are those things that I cannot do at all....that are completely foreign to me.   Finding my way around the world fits into that category. I am always getting lost. I have absolutely no sense of direction.   I even get lost going to places I have been to hundreds of times, because I will miss my turn, or will be in the wrong lane and unable to turn, or will get myself all turned around somehow begin driving in the completely wrong direction.  Now, the GPS has helped a great deal.  But there are times when I do not have the GPS, or don't turn it on (because in my delusional mind I think I actually know how to get someplace).  So in any given week, I find myself, at least once or twice, driving around in a haze, wondering......Where the hell am I?  Sometimes I just keep driving until I find something familiar, sometimes I call someone ---using the phone-a-friend option.  (Dallas is usually the one to get the "Hi....I'm lost again." call). 

Part of my problem is that I tend to daydream.  Part of my problem is that I am easily distracted.  But most of my problem is that I just have no concept of spacial relations in this world.  For example, I often get lost driving around my own town.  Now it is true that I have only lived in this town, this state, and even this country for not quite 2 years.  But I can't use that as an excuse.  The same thing happens to me anywhere.  And everywhere.  All the time.  Just this week I got lost 3 times.  Made a wrong turn here and there and Voila'!  I am suddenly lost.  I have been known to use my GPS to find my way back home when I am just a few miles away.  Sad and pathetic....and true.  I am famous for turning right when I should go left, or going straight when I should be stopping (i.e. I drive right past my destination).   I pretty much have no idea where I am in relation to other things in this world.  I not only get lost when driving.....I also get disoriented in large buildings or wide open spaces....such as when walking around my own neighborhood.   Parking garages are another story....I think you probably get the picture by now.

I just recalled something my mother used to say to me when I was a kid..."Tanya, you couldn't find your way out of a paper bag."  I think she may have been onto something.

Me:  I think we are going the wrong way.  Maybe we should have turned left instead of right back there.  Should we drive back and find out?  Or just keep going?  This looks like a nice scenic route.

Ray:  I thought you said WalMart is just down the road, less than 10 minutes away.  (then quietly to himself)....I knew I should have driven.

Me: I think I was just driving this way because this is how I drive to work.  I'm going to take this road here and cut over to where we should be.

Me: (15 minutes later).... Um,  I think this road doesn't cut over.  Well, if I just keep going we will eventually get there.  It's right around here, I know it is.

Ray:  This is the third time you have gotten us lost this weekend.  How long have you lived here?

Me:  Whatever.

*****************************************************************************

Me:  Where do you want to eat lunch?

Gary: Arby's.  Is there one around here, cuz I am STARVING!! 

Me:  Yep.  Just down the street.

Gary:  Great! Cuz I get really grouchy when I am hungry....and I am way past that point now.

Gary (20 mins later sounding irritated):  Are we almost there?  I thought you said it was close!

Me:  Oh look, here it is......(pulls into Arby's)

Gary:  What the hell.....this one is closed down!  Can we just get something to eat please! (sounding angry now)

Me:  Oh, sorry....I think I know where another one is......

Gary: (15 mins later, yelling a bit)....Do you even know where you are going?  It feels like we are driving in circles.

Me:  No we aren't! We are almost there!

Me (thinking):   (Crap, where the hell are we?! I could swear I've seen that church 3 times now......)

Gary:  Admit it.  You are lost.

Me:  Whatever.

*****************************************************************************

Me:  I come to this mall every day at lunch time and I love this mall!  It is huge!  AND it has 2 really big food courts.  Can you believe it?  TWO!

Dallas:  Really?  That's different.

Me:  I know!

(after 10 mins of walking)

Me:  Look--that's the first food court.  There are so many food options there.  But let's wait til we see the second one before deciding where to eat  lunch.

Dallas: OK

Me: (after 15 more minutes of walking):  Here it is (points proudly)....the second food court!

Dallas:  (stares at me blankly)  Are you serious?

Me:  Yeah.  Why?...What?

Dallas:  This mall is laid out in a big circle....this food court is in the middle of the circle.  It is the same one we passed earlier.....we were just on the other side of the circle.

Me:  Oh.   Whatever.

*****************************************************************************

So here I my suggestions, based on my many years of experience, to those of you who may also be directionally challenged:

1.  If you have a GPS --use it!  No matter how short the distance or how easy you think it will be to get there....use it!

2.  If the GPS tells you to go a certain way, but you think you know a better way, remind yourself of your directional deficiencies and listen to the electronic genius that is stuck on your windshield.  It knows more than you.  Really.

3.  If you don't have a GPS and you stop for directions, WRITE THEM DOWN.  Also have the person draw you a map.  You will need both.

4.  When you stop for directions, ask a woman.  A man will never admit he doesn't know where something is.  So he will simply give you directions anyway.  Women are secure enough to simply say "I don't know".

5.  Do not aspire to the following careers:  mail carrier, one of those people who wheel patients around the hospital to their designated rooms, forest guide (or guide of any kind), taxi driver (or driver of any kind), or Girl Scout (you could get lost going door to door in your neighborhood selling cookies).

Getting lost as much as I do does have its advantages.  I rarely have to give anyone directions......because when I am asked how to get someplace--- if the destination is not in a four block radius of where I am standing, I will usually reply that I do not know. (which of course is true)

For those of you who are also directionally challenged.....we ought to get together and start a support group.

No, wait....nevermind......we would all get lost trying to get there.  Of course we could just meet in one of the two food courts.   

I thought I had this guitar thing nailed.

My guitar instructor informed me that I have to cut my long nails down if I want to play the guitar.   He is adamant about it. I have told him that I find him demanding and mean and that I think he uses his position of power to bully me. He said he finds me funny---that I make him laugh.  He also called me unique.  Actually, ...he didn't really say it that way.  What he said was----that in all his 20 years of teaching guitar, he has never had anyone learn to play the guitar in the unique way that I am learning to play. Not even close.  He laughed when he said it.

I am not sure I like his attitude.

So I am off..... to practice playing-----and to find some clippers.  ......and to plot how I am going to use my hypnosis skills to hypnotize my guitar teacher at my next lesson.  Make him believe that the shoes he wears each day are cute little kittens that he must pet and talk to and cuddle all day long, every day, for the entire week, ...until my next lesson.  

(I can be mean too.)

Goin' Mobile

To celebrate my birthday Dallas wanted to get me a nice gift.   Something I could surely use.  Something I don't already have.  Something that would be cool, high-tech, and modern.    A "real" cell phone.  

OK look---I never had one in Europe. Never needed one.  I had a phone at work, and one at home.  And computers everywhere.  And no one cared where I was nor were they ever desperately trying to reach me when I was en route to someplace or out somewhere or in the grocery store or sitting outside at a cafe'.   But for some reason, when we moved back to the States at the end of 2010, I suddenly needed one.  All of a sudden, it was imperative that I be reached at all times, everywhere.   So I got a phone.  It was a lovely (free) plastic flip phone.  Navy blue plastic.  No voicemail, no extra features, no camera, no internet, no apps, nothing.  Just a small plastic phone.   

I liked it.  What's not to like?  It fits in my purse easily, has a little robotic-mechanical-sounding chime for a ring, and I just pay a few pennies per call (of which I made very few).   

Now fast forward to 2012---And realize that Dallas is probably one of the most tech-savvy, gadget-loving people that I know.  He finally informed me that not only is my phone practically an antique---but that it is embarrassing.  He did not want to be seen with me when I was chatting on my navy blue plastic phone that cleverly (to me anyway) flips open.   He mentioned this several times, so that eventually I began to feel self-conscious when I would talk on it in public.  I imagined that people were staring at me and snickering at my low-tech, ridiculous phone.  I  would attempt to palm it in my hand, so that others wouldn't see the glare of the shiny plastic or bury it in my hair as I talked .   And I began to notice that I seemed to be the only person left on the planet with a cute little plastic navy blue flip phone.  

So although I was fine with the phone.  Happy with it actually----I finally gave in to Dallas and accepted his gift to me for my birthday.  A real grown up phone.  Now I have stuff.  I don't know much about this stuff---but I have all kinds of stuff on that phone.  I have something called a cheese shutter and ice cream sandwich on my phone (which apparently is very important.....and way better than the other option, which is gingerbread).  Oh and I have Gorilla Glass too!  That sounds really cool.  And now I no longer have to hide my phone in my hand or under my hair when I talk.  I can proudly talk on my phone in public, check my email, take photos of every meal I eat (a popular Facebook pastime) and receive voicemail messages even.

Now if only I can figure out how to hit the imaginary buttons on the screen.  Apparently it is not fingernail sensitive.....and my fingernails get in the way of my fingertips.  So my typing is all messed up.  And autocorrect is a big failure so I have discovered.  (I am apparently cooking dinner in my crackpot tomorrow)

So for my 49th birthday I get to learn something new, hold my head a little higher (cuz I am no longer lowering my head ---trying to hide that blue plastic phone in my hair), and get my nails cut down.   How did we ever get along without these phones?  Oh yeah....we carried change with us for the pay phone......and no one ever tried to hunt us down when we were not home.  We were not chained to the world.  It was called Freedom.  I kinda miss it. (and my navy blue plastic phone too)