UPDATE: Day 5 of being snowbound in JAW-JA.

Finally made it in to work today...around noon (after the sun hit the snow/ice and everyone has been driving on it all day, making it less slick in some places and even more slippery in others)....but I really need to get out.  I was down to grape kool-aid and peanuts.  I foolishly didn't heed the "state of emergency" warning and therefore didn't stock up on food and supplies.  Hey....I am from Michigan, where we sprinkle some salt around, plow the snow out of our way and go about our lives.  How was I to know that here in Georgia, we do none of that.  Instead we just sit around watching and waiting for the snow and ice to melt~

SNOW!

No work for me again today......believe it or not-----we are having a second "snow day" in the deep south (ok.....Georgia may not really qualify as the deep South....but there are days it feels like I am deep somewhere...or perhaps nowhere). The governor has declared a "State of Emergency "due to the (get ready) whopping 3.7 inches of snow!!....and he did this before the snow even started falling....so not even 4 inches of snow ----a walk in the park for Michigan is a calamity in JAW-JA.   But hey--I will accept the day off work graciously...like any Southern Belle would.
I was laughing on Sunday when they said on the news that the stores were running out of bread.....now it is day 2 and it looks like there will be a day 3 or maybe even a day 4 of being stranded. At this time I am wishing I had gone to the store to get "supplies" like the locals. I should know by now--"when in Rome..."~

In between the cover of another perfect wonder

And it's so white as snow

Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed

And there's nowhere to go

and I bet they thought...."Will we get caught?---Fat chance!"

Apparently being really fat has some advantages that have never occurred to me. 

Ailene Brown and Shmeco Thomas of Oklahoma attempted to steal $2,600 dollars of clothing and shoes at T.J.Maxx…not by using the usual shoplifting techniques but by actually concealing the stolen goods in their body fat and arm pits.  (I can't help but wonder if T.J. Maxx put the sweaty-arm-pit-smelling items back on the racks---Bet you can't shop there again without thinking about that.)  Among the items the ladies were packing: four pairs of boots, three pairs of jeans, a wallet and gloves.  Love handles can be used to carry quite a bit these days!! One of the women was able to fit three boots under her breast.  Really?  FOUR pairs of boots?! THREE under her breasts? Wow. (I just wanna know.....were these knee high boots?)   Well, I think these ladies must not be too bright.  I mean really.....they should have waited a few more years----you know, given themselves time to put on a few more pounds....and they could have walked away with a small vehicle hidden in those crevices.  Gives new meaning to the phrase "she carries around a spare tire".  I for one applaud their ingenuity.  Nothing shows your clever, creativeness like hiding merchandise in your fat rolls.  I bet they could smuggle additional carry-on luggage when flying, saving hundreds of dollars in baggage fees.  Or use those extra large creases in which to carry the kids around when getting groceries.  Hey! They could just forget the grocery cart altogether!  Simply cram the groceries in there too!  These thieves have opened up a whole new world of possibilities if you think about it.  Then again....don't think about it too much .... it really is pretty disgusting.

I'd like a pair in every color!  (I might need three hefty ladies to pull that one off)

My first American Christmas (well....my first in a long time)

I am so confused! Even Christmas in the US has changed since I left 21 years ago! Now I return to find the TV ads inundated with gift suggestions such as the Shake-Weight (have you SEEN that commercial?!.....it should have been rated due to its highly suggestive nature). And the Obama Chia Pet~ Nothing like a quality terracotta presidential head that grows real sprout hair. Perfect for a classy centerpiece or just give him a quick trim to enhance your salad. Then there is the Snuggie....and even better---the Slanket (blanket with sleeves). Are we now so lazy that we have to wear our bedding around the house, thereby never really leaving the warmth and comfort of our beds (meanwhile our asses grow exponentially). But my favorite new holiday tradition.....costumes for cars! Since when did we start dressing our cars up in Christmas costumes? I have seen cars with reindeer antlers and red noses, cars with lit up Christmas lights strung on them, cars decorated with bows, and cars with actual mini Christmas trees topping them. Hey people....remember HALLOWEEN? THAT is the holiday for costumes (and on kids...not cars). So ... eat some fudge, drink some egg nog, sing some carols, and send out holiday cards----but please... put away the Rudolph car costumes!
Thanks! and MERRY AMERICAN CHRISTMAS!

What Not to Wear

Festive Faux Pas

I thought I would be cute and send out Christmas messages via text this year. So I sent out messages to my friends, family, co-workers and even business associates (my lawyer, broker, dentist, and the vet we use). My message was to be simple, classy, and yet festive: "Feliz Navidad to you and your family!" Unfortunately my phone decided to auto-correct. And even more unfortunate.....I sent out the message before realizing that I had been infiltrated by that nasty spell-check-correct function. So my happy holiday message to all went out as "Feces Navidad to you and your family". If you are one of the lucky recipients of my Christmas Faux Pas.....please accept my apologies (if you can stop laughing long enough to do so).

Bust a Move!

 I can't get this song out of my head. Everyone else is walking around humming-- dashing through the snow....or chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Not me. I've got Bust a Move playing in my mind. (and nothing says "tis the season for baby Jesus" like Bust a Move.)

House-hunting in JAW-JA

Reader's tip:  To heighten your right-there-in-the-action experience, click on the link below (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yt9R0I3gSk) and listen while reading this blog.  You will feel as though you too are out there in the Georgian wilds....making your dreams come true.

I have spent nearly every day of the last 3 weeks with my realtor----looking at house after house after house.  I think I have seen every house for sale within a 50 mile radius.  So I have gotten to know my realtor very well.  Just so you get the picture.....she is not southern.  She is from New York.  And she sounds a lot like Fran Drescher (you remember...."The Nanny")  In fact, she sounds exactlylike her.  And the longer the day gets (and when she gets frustrated--- which is often)...her Fran-ness gets stronger and stronger.  I happen to do a great Fran Drescher (and realtor) imitation......so sometimes I will talk back to the realtor in her own nasally Fran-Drescher-y voice.  Just for fun.

The first few days of house-hunting everyone is very polite and formal and on their best behavior. But let me tell you---after 3 weeks of spending day after friggin day together, we are all pretty much our "real" selves.  So now that we have all let our hair down---house-hunting has become an experience.  Just yesterday Fran stopped at the gas station, went in to pay, and came back with a  giant pickle---you know, the ones that are the size of a small banana--(seriously. this is a true story).  But then she decided it really wasn't all that good and flung it out the window.  I had visions of some poor guy driving down the road and suddenly getting his windshield  smacked by a giant pickle. Try turning that into your insurance company.

And you know you are in big trouble when you are looking at a house-- that I admit was just one rung on the ladder above a trailer---and Fran begins "singing" the dueling banjo song from Deliverance.  Not a good sign at all. (Are you listening to it now?  Kinda gives you the creeps doesn't it.....that's how I feel every day while out with Frannie.  There have been moments when it feels like I am going to round the corner of a house and come upon Ned Beatty in the "squeal like a pig" scene.)

She then took me to her house (so I could see the type of house that I could never afford)..almost 10,000 square feet of marble, art work, statues, a wine cellar, a 20-seat theatre, and room after room after room.  As I wandered around (jaw dragging on the ground) I came upon a photo of a female body-builder---one with man-like bulging muscles and an ass that resembled two hardened mounds of concrete.  My jaw dropped about a foot further. It was FRAN!  REALLY??!!  Fran was a body builder?  Apparently my new jumbo-pickle-eating friend was indeed a mega-muscled maniac back in the day.

Yesterday I called her to get an update on a couple of houses and I got her machine.  "Sorry I am not available right now. I am out making someones real estate dreams come true."   Well that's nice.  Clearly not MINE...since I was on the phone with her recorded Fran Drescher-like voice rather than with her ---getting my real estate dreams fulfilled.  When she finally called back I told her that she needed to change her message----since clearly she was only making my real estate nightmares come true (remember the Deliverance- themed house in paragraph 4 above?)

Now, nearly one month and approximately 200 houses later.....my dreams have not yet come true Frannie. So please throw down your pickle and find me my house!   

More culture shock....these things did not exist when I last lived in the USA:

*I was in Rite-Aid.. or was it CVS?....or Walgreens?  It was one of those on-every-corner drug stores----and I was wandering around checking out all the stuff-you-never-need/want.  And there in front of me were....Press on Toe-nails!  Now, seriously--  Press/glue on plastic nails are bad enough--but stick-on TOE NAILS?!  So there I was staring at these fake toe-nails.  I was somewhat horrified and yet I found myself strangely drawn to look at them closer.  In the package there were two big nails and then a bunch of little ones to stick over your own toenails.   I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or run screaming with madness from the store.  

*What is the deal with all of the "As Seen on TV!" products?  Isn't pretty much everything "seen on TV"?  Seems like a tricky marketing ploy.  Why not try for "As Seen in the Mall!" or "As Read About Online!" or "As Seen in Your Friend's House" or "As Seen in This Store on This Shelf!"--all of those seem just as good.  

*(I love this one). Television commercials that go like this:  "Hey--ask your doctor about Superla-Anti-depression drug! Works great!  You will feel wonderful and happy and life will be so light and care-free!  However, Superla may cause leg cramps, heart problems, and brain tumors. Oh, and it might also result in dizziness that will cause you to lay in bed all day, blurred vision or blindness and explosive diarrhea and severe ass-rash.  You may also develop a rare blood disease, a skin condition with oozing sores or bleeding hemorrhoids.  But hey--you will no longer be depressed and will so feel happy that you won't care about all that stuff!  So ask your doctor about Superla today!

*Restaurants:  Can I PLEASE eat without being interrupted every 5 minutes by my server?!  I want to enjoy my meal and conversation with my dining companion without some loud waitress/waiter barging up to the table practically screaming "IS EVERYTHING OK? DO YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE? WOULD YOU LIKE DESSERT? ARE YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?  WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WRAP IT UP? HERE IS YOUR CHECK! DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT UP FOR YOU?"  He/she might as well add "DO YOU NEED ME TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR COAT?  CUZ YOU WILL BE LEAVING SOON, RIGHT?"  

And while I am on the subject of restaurants-- it seems strange, after living in the land of waffles for 14 years,  to come to southern USA and find a WAFFLE HOUSE on nearly every corner. Kind of odd.  It would be like having a Sloppy Joe Shack in the heart of the Grand Place in Brussels---completely out of place.  OH, and we passed a place yesterday called "Dutch Monkey Doughnuts".  What is that all about?  I was in the Netherlands almost weekly and I never saw a Dutch monkey (or any type of monkey).  And they don't have doughnuts there either.  (I tried to get Dallas to stop, but he refused---but I will be going back there to find out what a Dutch Monkey Doughnut is---so I willl keep you posted)

.

Music to my ears....

So --I have an 11.5 hour drive from DC to GA...and no iPod connector for the rental car. Hey no problem!  I am in America!  Radio Stations will be in all-English, with lots of great music, right?  Here's how it went:

Virginia:  Channel surfing...let's see...country music.  (um. no) ...commercial...commercial...commercial... country music (still, no)...I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (what the?)...religious channel (no), Rush Limbaugh (NO!), commercial...commercial...country music (UGH)...Tears for Fears (Great!  oh wait....it is the end of the song.  Damn.)...commercial... (stops car as cat has peed in his box, which now needs to be emptied)...commercial...Bob Seger: Night Moves (ok--this will have to do).

North Carolina: commercial.....commercial....country music (this is getting monotonous)...commercial....foreign language channel (WHAT!? I had 21 years of foreign language radio!  I want ENGLISH!)...commercial (stops car to get gas...this area looks dangerous, reminds self that people carry guns here....gets back in car and goes to next exit to get gas).....country music (zzzzzzz)... (Come on! How about Simple Minds? Alphaville? Shriekback? anything 80's?  Please?) ...commercial...country music...Silent Night (really? you're killing me!  it's the 20th of NOVEMBER!)...Bob Seger:  Night Moves (again....well, ok)

South Carolina:  Deck the Halls (now I am getting mad) ...commercial....commercial....more country music (even the cat looks pissed off)...commercial.....country music ( my finger is cramping from all the channel changing)...KC and the Sunshine Band (great! finally- something to keep me awake!)...commercial...(stops car..cat has peed again...could be worse, right?)...Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (someone shoot me)....Bob Seger:  Night Moves (WHAT! Seger must have some kind of hold on the South)

Georgia (YAY!):  let's see what we have here ......commercial......commercial.....country music (uh oh).....Bob Seger: Night Moves (I am a living episode of the Twilight Zone).....wait!  what is this?  OMD?!! (Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark )    Could it be???  YES--it is!---an ALL 80's radio station!  I LOVE Georgia! 

I don't like American TV ...does that make me Euro-Trash?

21 years overseas has left me feeling like a foreigner here in the US of A.  Everywhere I turn is some new, strange concept that I try desperately to digest and understand.  And I can now see how Europeans find us to be utterly incomprehensible.  Today I turned on the TV (for about the 3rd time in 3 months...I haven't worked my way up to any more often than that).  Surely with 362 channels I can find something interesting or even mildly entertaining.  This is some of what I found  :

1. That's My Mama!  (the sequel to "Who's your Daddy?")

2. Gastrosophia (possibly a documentary on Sophia's gastrointestinal problems--not for the squeamish)

3. Never Rake Again! (this was apparently a movie about the advantages of over-logging the rain forest)

4. Bosom Buddies (Remember that series?  Tom Hanks in drag...what would Wilson think?)

5.  Lonely Divorcees: Filthy Ho's (I swear--I am not making these up!)

6.   Best Bra Ever (This show was taken off the air due to lack of support)

7.    Corn College TV (filmed in Iowa apparently)

8.  Bareknuckle Beatdowns 2 (while living overseas, I missed Bareknuckle Beatdowns part 1.  I will have to get it on DVD)

9.  Shark Vacuum (in the same product line as the Dolphin Toaster, the Sea Cucumber Mixer, the Jelly Fish Blender, and the Giant Squid Electric Can Opener)

10. Winter's Bone (This may have been on a Pay for View channel..not sure)

11.  Salvation Station (at first I thought it was called Salivation Station....now that actually sounds more interesting)

12.  Hip Hop Abs (endorsed by Kanye West who says " Hey Suzanne Somers....I'm real happy for ya, and I'ma let you finish, that Thighmaster is OK, but the Hip Hop Abs is the best exercise gimmick of all times!)

13.  Dive, Olly, Dive (Run, Forest, Run)

14. Suffering Joints? (A sad movie about the pain felt by Marijuana growers world-wide)

15.   and last but not least.....Sarah Palin's Alaska (I ran screaming from the room)

And this is where I turned the TV off.   Wouldn't you?

Please, don't anyone try to explain to me what any of these shows are about....I don't want to know. Really.  

Thank you.

Me....singing

Dallas made this video of me singing Other Side of the World (with all of his favorite photos of me) .....I think he must be missing me.

Mid-week Faux Pas

Came down the big winding stairwell at work....all the way down 3 large flights of stairs.... singing..... Billie Jean (....is not my lover.  She's just a girl who claims that I am the one...)  Loudly.  With Michael Jackson falsetto.  With mouth-made musical sound effects.  As I rounded the last corner which opens up to the large lobby at NCIS (still singing enthusiastically), I walked right into a military formation....made up of about 30 Sailors---standing at attention in the lobby.  Stoically. Silently.  Several Commanding Officers stood in front of them (apparently doing some kind of inspection) and turned to stare at me.  I stopped singing mid-chorus. ... and with a little wave walked out the door.  I am not sure, but I could swear I heard loud laughter as I walked away from the building.  I laughed too.  (so technically they were laughing with me, not at me.)

True words

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye. 
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I get up at 3 AM and....

I may have the longest commute in the world....but it is also one of the best!  On the way to work every day I see.....the colorful fall trees--blowing leaves around in the early hours, the Washington monument standing tall and proud, the Lincoln Memorial lit up against the black sky, the wide Potomac river curving against the highway, the dome of the White House in the distance, the Pentagon (where I catch the third leg of my travels), the silent...peaceful Arlington cemetery, the Jefferson memorial--bright in the darkness, and finally a glowing pink and orange sunrise.  (of course I see all of this only if I manage to stay awake during the 2 and a half hour trek)---