It can be rough in Slovenia

ok.........what is the DEAL with slovenian toilet paper!!?? i mean, in general european toilet paper is pretty rough.........but slovenian toilet paper is something different altogether! so what is it? is it that for some reason the toilet paper processing plants just don't possess the technology to make softer tp? or is it that slovenians have never used soft tissue, so they really don't know what they are missing? or is it that perhaps slovenians happen to have extra resilient asses, so they can tolerate a little roughness? or maybe their diet is very grainy and therefore they need a little more texture? (lets not dwell on that possibility for too long), or perhaps soft toilet paper is outrageously expensive and they just can't afford it or that soft paper is so rare in their country because maybe it has to be imported............well whatever the reason........i am glad to be back home to my charmin. (let me add that slovenia, in spite of its toilet paper deficiencies, is an absolutely beautiful country, the mountains, the fall colors, the snow capped alps, the sea green lakes.........something to experience)

Delirium--Part 2

it's late and i am tired............unfortunately i had a coke just a few hours ago and the caffeine is surging through my veins and making my mind spin. so now my eyes are burning from fatigue yet i am restless and wired. remind me not to drink coke so late agian......

my guests leave tomorow...........then it's back to work and all the crap that goes along with it. i can feel my blood pressure going up already.

what else is new? .....well...... i got my haircut and although i CLEARLY indicated i only wanted a trim, the idiot cut 3 inches off.....then i broke 3 nails this week....and i am sure i gained weight the last few weeks while on vacation and now i will have to work out even more to get it back off (and exercising is one of my least favorite activities.....it's right up there with poking my eye out with scissors and root canals). so i have that to look forward to this week. oh and did i mention that i get to have a mammogram tomorrow on my last day of vacation? nothing like having your breasts smashed to the same thickness as a sheet of paper to spice up your monday.

alright..........enough complaining........i need to get some sleeeeep. i am becoming silly and delirious.

goodnight!

castles and toast

just returned from 4 days in the loire valley france-------------so beautiful and peaceful there. the sunset the last night there was amazing. the fairytale castles sparked old memories. the people were .............well, the people were french. that pretty much says it all.

now i am home........the sun is shining.......my cats are following me around like my shadows.............and my life continues ---like one big blur. time moving faster and faster no matter what i do to try to slow it down.

i think i will go eat some toast.

permanent chocolate

as you may (or may not) know, the sun is not my friend. being a redhead, i never tan, almost always burn, and end up with an explosion of freckles whenever i am in the sun. lately i have been a bit remiss about slathering on my daily dose of sunscreen (mostly due to the lack of sun and also laziness on my part). anyway...today i noticed that i had a bit of what appeared to be chocolate in the corner of my mouth. so i licked at it with my tongue. and again. and again. UGH! it's a freckle! right there, in the corner of my mouth! a nice light brown dot.........that looks exactly like a bit of chocolate next to my lip. all i can say is------i can't wait for winter.............

cleaning lady wisdom

ok. i have a cleaning lady. not because i am rich and spoiled (alright...i am a bit spoiled), but because it is affordable in belgium.

so here i am ---at home while she is here cleaning. and while she is cleaning the kitchen she tells me that my garbage stinks. well, i didn't know what to say really. i mean, isn't garbage supposed to smell bad? in fact, i can't recall ever smelling garbage that had a nice pleasant scent. and while i am pondering her proclamation, she then goes on to tell me that i have a lot of laundry to do. and why is she telling me this? i have no idea. but she did manage to make me feel a bit guilty about it. like i should be washing laundry and doing something to make my garbage smell better rather than sitting at my computer!

i think i will make sure i am out of the house next time she cleans.

lavender skies

as i walked the road, i looked to my right and watched the sun set........a lovely shade of lavender, which then morphed into a blazing rose on fire. much to my surprise i turned to my left and there was the orange moon........the one i have been missing. it sat low on the horizon and seemed to be there answering the call of that rose-colored sunset. the air was still and silent and smelled of cut grain. i love these cool nights where the air on my face is soft and biting all at once. i made my way home thinking of how lucky i am to have been caught between that amazing sunset and my orange moon.

random thoughts

it is after midnight...

ok...i am back from my trip to venice italy.........went to a conference on treating post traumatic stress disorder...but more importantly-----I WAS IN VENICE! it is just as i remembered it---beautiful, charming, bursting with character and history. and of course, just like before...i felt like a rat in a maze. but a very nice maze. (and one with delicious gelato on every corner!)

so now i am back and have this week off. went to a gorgeous castle yesterday (in belgium)........chateau lavaux st.anne. --------fantastic really. the castle is surrounded by a moat and four towers (ok..........i know that sounds so unoriginal, but it really does have a unique style).

there is a full moon out tonight........there is a cool night breeze coming in my window....and i can hear the river from here. it is so dark and peaceful .............i think i will go to sleeeeeeep now.
goodnight

dice

the dice game was a lot of crazy fun last night. we had the usual cast of characters.....such as, lisa (giving everyone detailed instructions and trying to change the game rules), chris (all night snapping the rubber gloves he was wearing....don't ask) and colleen (taking pics of breasts for her book.....again, don't ask).

we ate and drank all night and now i am going to pay for it (i'll have to walk for 3 days straight to work it all off).......but i know deep down inside of me there is a really skinny, supermodel-thin girl just screaming to get out! (fortunately i can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.)

almost perfect

this is nearly the perfect place to live............i can sit at my window and look out into the forest and hear a bagpipe player practicing on the wooded path. it is dusk and as the sun sinks a hush blankets the trees and everything seems so still, like in a painting. i smell grass and the cool country air (which means i can smell the cows which are in the pasture across the way! haaa!).......that bagpipe player----he doesn't know how he made my evening so special. so a warm thanks to him tonight.

a taste of orange

ugh. it's toooooooo hot here now. freckles are exploding on me everywhere, in spite of my layers of sunscreen armor. so today i went to the forest to go kayaking (in search of a breeze and some relief from the heat).aaaaaaaaaaaaaah... it was perfect. cooler, breezier, very quiet, and relaxed. (and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich never tasted better!...the river seems to do something to pb &j) not a cloud in sight, but there was that milky half moon, sharing the sky with the blazing sun. the ducks didn't mind sharing water space and the birds dive bombed the surface for unlucky water bugs.

and now, hours later, i sit here eating an orange popsicle and try to keep cool...remembering the day (and hoping my tongue isn't still orange when i go to work tomorrow)

Midnight Blues

it was later than late. too late really. the sky was midnight blue with stars scattered about. the wind in the trees was sounding like rushing water. and the smell of woodsmoke made me nostalgic. i was alone. walking so late at night. alone in my head. alone in my heart.

have you ever been waiting for something to happen? just waiting and waiting? you don't want to wait, but you know you have to, it's all part of the plan. and you have to learn to enjoy the waiting just as much as you enjoy the end result. but it's so hard to do. i think that it is really part of the test. can you enjoy the ride? can you enjoy waiting in line for the ride? and how will you feel when the ride ends?

no moon and that midnight blue sky. and the warm summer night claws at my brain---making me think useless thoughts.

Moments to remember

thoughts for the day---
beauty really does come from the inside.
you shouldn't compare yourself to others.
those who make you smile are the ones who you need close to your heart.
remember those moments in your life...the ones that warm your heart and make your spirit soar.....

some of my moments are............

when i was about 10, the prettiest little girl i knew (whom i envied for her beautiful blonde curls and cute face) looked at me and told ME that she thought i was so pretty.

when in 5th grade i won a contest (that i didn't even know my teacher entered me into) for having the best writing in my creative writing book in the entire city

when i wrote an essay (in less than 20 minutes, just before class) in 11th grade and after reading it outloud, the class was silent and then someone asked "did you really write that?"

when i went to my dad's wedding in spite of all that had transpired..........i went so my younger teen-age brother wouldn't have to go alone.

when i got the job in japan

when 6 year old mary (a victim of a pedophile) was on the stand, and the defense attorney asked her if miss tanya, her therapist, told her what to say when she came to court...........and mary answered yes (there was a gleam in that attorneys eye).........and he asked "so what did she tell you to say"....and mary answered................"the truth"

when i spent a night with my grandma and sat with her and wrote out all 75 of her christmas cards for her............ because she could no longer write and sending out cards to family and friends was so important to her.

when i did my first professional hypnosis show in belgium and it was a big success

and there it was.....it read...."This year will be a time when you will realize the futility of certain dreams and detach in order to set a new horizon to your aspirations. Thoughts will be inwardly bound so the difference between a dream and desire will be clear with creative intelligence functioning at its peak. Efforts will increase to bring into focus the possibilities of destiny and what your core contains. Sudden gain through powerful friends is indicated and the true friend will segregate from all and sundry. New friendships with the opposite members will bring you happiness. There will be some amount of obstacles but with care, caution and patience things will sort out." ...........now THAT is fate... beautiful fate.

Lunar Eclipse

right now--at this very moment i am staring at the most beautiful moon i have ever seen. it is a rare full lunar eclipse.   the sun's beams are refracted through the earth's atmosphere bathing the moon in an amazing reddish glow---so very cool. europe is one of the continents with the best view of this incredible event. i hope you are watching it too....

Kindness~ there is no substitute

yesterday a friend of mine said the nicest thing to me. she told me that she loves my beautiful shiny red hair and that she thinks my skin is also beautiful. her comments took me by surprise. they also made my day. i felt really good the rest of the day because of her kindness. i am going to try to remember this--how a kind word or sincere compliment can make someone's day. maybe they are feeling low and my comment could be the thing that lifts them up. i always try to be kind to everyone but now my goal is to be especially kind to at least one person every day---to pay them the compliment that has been lingering in my head, that i never seem to get around to sharing, to tell them how much they mean to me, or how much i enjoy being with them. we shouldn't underestimate the power of a kind word or gesture.

Questions ???

In spite of having lived overseas for so long and traveling all over,
I find the world increasingly perplexing. For example,

Why do hotel maids fold the toilet paper into that little point? I don't particularly want
to use toilet paper that has been fondled by some unknown person into some strange
tissue origami.

Why do we have to pay for ketchup at McDonald's in Europe? Is ketchup
such a rare and expensive commodity here that the tablespoon of
tomato sauce in that little packet must be accounted for?

Why is it that there is a direct correlation between how old we get
and how many pairs of clippers we own? The more we age the more we
seem to accumulate fingernail clippers, toenail clippers, hedge
clippers, nose hair clippers, etc. (P.S. In case you are wondering, I don't own any nose
hair clippers)

Why do they call it "French dressing"? I've been to France numerous
times and had many salads there and I have never been offered that
strange neon orange dressing. (What's it made of anyway?….carrots on steroids?)

Why do airlines even bother with the little peanut packets? What are
5 peanuts supposed to do for me? I feel so frustrated and even more
hungry after I eat them that I am ready to chew off my own arm.

Why haven't I seen these products yet?---"Backhair Be-Gone" (like Nair
for the back), or "Panties-in-a-Can" (spray on when wearing those
super tight fitting jeans), "Butt-deflectors" (special pants with
strategically placed mirrors sewn on the hips to make the appearance
of your butt smaller), "O-So-Soft Fuzzy hats and gloves" (Made out of
dryer lint---there ought to be a use for that stuff!) or my favorite,
"Make-a-Toupee Home Craft kit" (save your armpit and leg hairs after shaving and weave
them into a completely natural and real looking toupee!)

Well, enough of this nonsense…I need to get back the really important question of
today---who is going to unpack the last few boxes that I never seem to have time to get
to?! (Afterall, I am the Queen of Procrastination)

thoughts....

pain and challenge are both good. they lead to growth and change. the things in life that hurt us the most, that challenge us, that make us think and ache and feel---those are the events that make us who we are. that show us who we can be and what we can do. i have learned to ride out the bad times, knowing that without them i wouldn't learn the lessons life has to teach. after the storm there is always calm. today i feel this calm.

my heart feels so full --almost bursting. and i feel so kind and so giving that even when the darkness tries to consume me, it can't. it can't make me angry, resentful, hateful, or frustrated. peace---real peace engulfs me and keeps me safe from the demons.

some days, like today, my spirit feels like it has wings.

i hope you have a day like this soon.

Delirium

I'm a little delirious right now (from lack of sleep, excess stress, and well...I'll spare you the details of the rest). But I feel like writing anyway.

I have now lived overseas for 18 years. I have been to 40 countries and learned so much from my (mis)adventures. I would like to share some of my newly acquired knowledge with you...

Ever wonder where the worst drivers in the world are? I found them-----in ...Egypt! And of course the seatbelts in the taxis do not work. So you find yourself gripping the seat with your fingernails (those that you haven't bitten off). But they are very clever salesmen. The constant efforts to get me into their shops were getting tiresome. So when one guy kept pressuring me and asking me what I wanted, I said "I want nothing". He very promptly replied, "I've got that! I've got nothing in my shop! Come into my shop!"

Ever wonder where the worst food is? I found it---in England. I mean really…black pudding?! It is not pudding at all (but it is black) and totally disgusting---and blood sausage ranks at the top of my list of things I will never eat. First of all, no food should ever have the word blood in it. Second of all, well there is no second of all…that's enough of a reason to keep it off your plate. (And remember—it was the English who also came up with that "figgy pudding")

Ever wonder what the strangest country is? I found it---Russia. They just don't quite get it yet. They are really giving the whole market economy/capitalism thing a shot. But it isn't quite right. You no longer have to wait in line to buy bread, but water is more expensive than Vodka. Cigarette vendors make more money than teachers and doctors. The Moscow subway stations built during the Stalin years look like palaces, but the people live very poorly and most make a salary of 50 dollars a month. I flew to Russia on the Russian airline, Aeroflot. I got to the airport for my midnight flight only to find that my reservation and ticket (paid for) had been cancelled. As I stood at the "customer service desk" (and I use the term loosely) I noticed their customer service flyer. It proudly stated, "AEROFLOT---WE VALUE OUR OPINION". On the flight the attendant asked if I would like a meal. I asked, "What are the choices?" She replied, "Yes or No". That pretty much sums up Russian attempts at tourism.

(I am so tired …I stayed up the last 2 nights until very late. So now I am exhausted and a bit delirious. This morning I washed my face with hair gel...hey c'mon, the bottle for my face soap was very similar)

Afraid of the dark

it can be gone in a flash, in a moment---like the flip of the switch, the light is out and you find yourself in the dark. i try to embrace these flickering moments and to keep them in my head, just behind the eyes. so even when they are gone, they are still with me.

Good for the soul

it's snowing now.....so beautiful.

it's late but i went for a walk in the soft snow. the darkness wrapped around me, feeling warm---even in the night's cold. looking up, the falling snow --like a blanket of lace against the shadowed sky. snow tickling my nose, wetting my lips-- and the silence soothing my soul. i wish it could be like this every night.

Home

ink black skies sparkling with tiny crystal lights, the paths--crunchy and crackling, cold air biting at my cheeks, leaves whispering secrets amongst themselves, the castle---so dark and moody watching me, daring me...all else quiet. everything seems so right in the world for just this moment.

just returned from a long walk through my new village, complete with castles, a snaking river, stone cottages, sturdy churches with high bell towers, cobblestone paths, and ....silence.

i think i'm going to like it here.

Orange Moon (written many many moons ago)

Orange Moon

As the orange moon rises
The sky glows a hazy amber
The air is still and silent
The only sound is the beating (breaking) of my heart.

The world goes on, unaware, uncaring
Of my dilemma---of my fate
And yet I cannot shake the steamy dreaminess
The orange moon is a reminder of what can never be.

I wait in the eye of the storm
In the peacefulness which I know is a façade
The storm is inevitable
Too much, too soon, how I long for that orange moon.

The heat is intense...too hot
I feel weaker as each day passes
Warmer as the orange moon appears
Moonbeams blazing on my skin like a phantom fire.

As the night fades into day
So does my happiness begin to wane
Life would be so simple, yet so dreary and bleak
Without the orange moon.

tmo

Untitled

A soft sweet touch sails my skin...
Whispers, like the wind, seep within
My dreams, my innermost wish.
Secrets lay upon my lips, this
For him to taste. Warm waves crash on the shores
As a hidden fear, a hope, is revealed and roars
In my head, unbearable. Uncontrolled,
I am lost in the tide, in the strength of its hold.

The chorus of desire plays incessantly tonight.
And across my body is laid a fiery light
That blazes and burns with each breath I take.
He possesses and holds me until I wake.
The night is too short and his touch ever brief.
As the moon falls, the sun rises stealing as a thief
Those images fresh and lush.
They burn off suddenly in the morning blush.

On the horizon floats a misty haze and the skies
Glow like forgotten embers. A storm rises and dies
With every passing second and takes me to a place
In the distance. Shivering and shaking I chase
This dream hoping to capture for more
Than a moment…But neither today nor
Tomorrow promises escape. With his image laid
Upon mine, I dream once more, as the world begins to fade.

tmo
(date unknown)

Night's Shadow

In night's shadow the moon is here with me
To warm the silence, but not show the way.
Mist in my eyes, I cannot clearly see.
I long for the dawning of the new day
To drag me past the dark and take me from
The edge where I want to fall. I won't fight,
Hoping he'll reach me, wanting him to come
And pull me back, keeping me close tonight.

Close tonight, his breath on my skin so warm,
So fleeting, perhaps it was never there.
As if a ghost, he appears in a form
Seemingly unreal. But I do not dare
To imagine he's of my world, my heart,
For I fear he will disappear. And I
Know this phantom is mine only in part.
He'll fade again as truth becomes a lie.

A lie that grows as each day passes by—
Temptations are imagined and offered.
The images painted in my mind's eye—
They sing to my soul and beg to be heard.
A searing siren's song, tempting and sweet,
Beckons me over to the other side.
Life's road has splintered and its plan I cheat.
Shattered reason scatters when we collide.

When we collide I melt into the space.
Edges of reality disappear
As heat waves burn a flush upon my face.
Shuddering against the forces I hear
The still voices of my heart now whisper
Forbidden images that I will stow
Away in the dark. I must keep this stir
Hidden there, alone, deep in night's shadow.

tmo
(date unknown)