sweet dreams are made of this....

 yeah---this week has seemed so long....just as I was coming out of my deep sleep this morning, I was dreaming .....I was dreaming that I woke up and it was Friday. So then imagine my disappointment. and when I got to work, I was telling the other therapists how I had this great dream and how disappointed I was to wake up only to find that it's Thursday. one of them said...."um....actually it's WEDNESDAY." .....DAMMIT!! (yet another bubble busted)

JOE

Today is a very sad day for me. I have lost a good friend.

I went to the 9th grade prom with Joe. He was very shy and sweet and kind and I thought he was the best-looking guy at our school. I couldn't believe that he asked me to go with him. I was the luckiest 14-year-old girl on the planet. About 10 years ago we reconnected through the internet.  It didn't matter that I lived thousands of miles away in Europe--or that we had not seen one another since high school.  We emailed each other over those 10 years ....sometimes we would go months without writing and other times we would write every day, depending on what was going on in our lives. We became friends--sharing jokes, talking about our daily routines, sharing family photos and venting when we felt the need. Joe was an exceptional father. He raised his children mostly alone as their mother passed away early in life. He had two granddaugthers whom he adored and he loved spending time with them. Joe was a special guy. And we shared the same love of dry wit. We talked about how others sometimes misunderstood our humor and sarcasm. I was surprised how a painfully shy and quiet boy had grown up to be such a very funny guy.....always making me laugh. We made plans to meet when I was home in Michigan last year. Unfortunately Joe got very sick so we were unable to meet. Both of us were very disappointed. We promised that the next time---for sure ---we would do it. We even jokingly argued about who would pay for dinner. The last letter he wrote to me was a very long one. One in which he told me about some things that were troubling him deeply. He wrote "Sorry for all the crap, I don't mean to "unload" on you, it feels.................good, I guess, to at least get some of this out, or at least go back and read it for the ump-teenth time before I send it to you." I was glad to be there for him--- to listen. And I would give anything to be able to listen to him again today.


Tonight, with deep sadness, I learned that my friend Joe's life has tragically ended.


It breaks my heart to lose such a good friend....a special person. My world just got a little emptier.

And the whole world just lost a bit of brightness.


Joe Rothley, you will be forever missed.
xo

and now....because I know Joe would like this to end on a humorous note.....(if this looks familiar, I posted this on my blog Sept 15, 2010)

An actual conversation with Joe......
He said: Well, in January when I got up to 212 pounds, I said to myself, "Self--you gotta do something." So I started eating better, working out, riding my bike, and in general, just taking better care of myself.
Me: That's funny--I had the same conversation with myself...to which my "Self" replied, "Shut up bitch and pass the Doritos."

This conversation made him laugh. And then we both laughed together.

The Pug Head Tilt

funny....cuz I get the same reaction from Dallas.  (look for the soon-to-be-released Youtube video entitled "The Husband Head Tilt")

A Valentine Proposal

Walking hand in hand along a wooded path together yesterday----

Me:  Hey, do you wanna be my Valentine?

Dallas:  (quickly exclaiming without hesitation ) YES!!!!

Me:  (smiling) Thanks!  That's nice.

Him: (smiling too) So now, what do I have to do? (a glint of romance in his eye)

Me:  Well, you have to treat me like a queen, wait on me hand and foot, tending to my every need the entire day on Valentines Day and 2 days before.  So basically you will be my slave for 3 days.  Starting tomorrow.

Him:  (not smiling but deep in thought now)  Oh.  

Him: (more thinking...still not smiling)  I don't think I agreed to those conditions.

Me: Sorry, but you did.  You accepted the arrangement.  Can't help it if you failed to read the fine print.  A deal is a deal.

Him:  (more thinking...then a big smile) Hey! (excitedly) Do YOU wanna be MY Valentine?!!

Me:  (quickly.  without thought.) No.  No thank you.  I'm fine with just you being my Valentine.  But thanks anyway.


We walk along the path in silence. (while he contemplates his dilemma...... while I laugh loudly in my head)

Exfoliation...JAW-JA style

I am staying (semi-permanently it seems) at the "Extended Stay Hotel--DELUXE!" in Georgia (aka deep South to me).  This morning after showering I reached up to hang my nice light blue scrunchy sponge on the hook---after using it.....and there tangled inside the netting was a large brown bug (I have no idea what type of bug it was.  And I don't want to risk further repulsion and initiation of my gag reflex by looking it up online.) 

So apparently I recieved a bit of extra exfoliation today, courtesy of Mr. hangin'out-in-your-bath-scrubbie.  I guess he is just one of the "DELUXE" features of my hotel.  Well--thankfully I don't use that sponge to wash my face...but I did feel it necessary to check to ensure that I did not have any small brown bug legs dangling from my armpit. 

UPDATE

Oh yeah.....So Dallas flew in today and got to the room before I arrived home from work.  When I arrived home I asked....Did you take a shower already?  He says "Yes".  Did you use the blue bath sponge?  ---- "Yes".  I started laughing (imagining him scrubbing himself with that bug still peeking out of the bath scrubbie!  Because of course I just left it hanging there in the netting).  Then Dallas looked at me and said....."But I took the bug out first".  

DAMN IT!!

A Turd Out of Hand is Worth Two in the Tush

(This is a letter I wrote to my brother......to try to cheer him up when he was having a bad day---)

You think you have problems?  Here is a very personal situation that I have been dealing with.....Perhaps you can sympathize with my near-crisis.

I have been living in a hotel for several months.  And unfortunately, I have plugged up the toilet in this hotel at least once a week. Apparently I have very large turds. Or at least they must be larger than average. Or maybe they are just bigger than the average Georgian turd. In any case, they don't seem to fit down the small Georgian toilet pipes. So then I have to go to the front desk to request the plunger. So now, not only does the hotel clerk know, ....but everyone in the lobby also knows that I have extra wide turds.  In fact, I have needed the plunger so often, that Dallas refuses to go request the plunger...he certainly doesn't want everyone thinking his turds are huge.  And now, he is out of town...so I can't even try to convince him to go down and get it.  And my extra large morning turd has clogged the toilet once again. So I am faced with the difficult decision---do I go down to the lobby to request the plunger? (They go get it and then lift it up over the front desk to give it to you---practically waving it around in the air.  This ensures that everyone around can see that you have requested the plunger for your inhumanly large non-Georgian stuck-in-the-pipes turd). So---do I go and put myself through this humiliation again? (second time this week) Or do I wait--hoping that somehow the turd will eventually shrink or disintegrate a bit and become dislodged?? And while I am waiting I cannot use the toilet at all.. ....so this decision is crucial. (because at this very moment I have another large non-Georgian turd accumulating and increasing in size within my colon.) 

This is my dilemma.

So-- you think you have problems?   At least you are not walking around with a mammoth size turd peeking out of your ass.  Makes your problems seem small now doesn't it?

(And tomorrow I will be heading to the store to purchase a plunger of my very own.....)

UPDATE: Day 5 of being snowbound in JAW-JA.

Finally made it in to work today...around noon (after the sun hit the snow/ice and everyone has been driving on it all day, making it less slick in some places and even more slippery in others)....but I really need to get out.  I was down to grape kool-aid and peanuts.  I foolishly didn't heed the "state of emergency" warning and therefore didn't stock up on food and supplies.  Hey....I am from Michigan, where we sprinkle some salt around, plow the snow out of our way and go about our lives.  How was I to know that here in Georgia, we do none of that.  Instead we just sit around watching and waiting for the snow and ice to melt~

SNOW!

No work for me again today......believe it or not-----we are having a second "snow day" in the deep south (ok.....Georgia may not really qualify as the deep South....but there are days it feels like I am deep somewhere...or perhaps nowhere). The governor has declared a "State of Emergency "due to the (get ready) whopping 3.7 inches of snow!!....and he did this before the snow even started falling....so not even 4 inches of snow ----a walk in the park for Michigan is a calamity in JAW-JA.   But hey--I will accept the day off work graciously...like any Southern Belle would.
I was laughing on Sunday when they said on the news that the stores were running out of bread.....now it is day 2 and it looks like there will be a day 3 or maybe even a day 4 of being stranded. At this time I am wishing I had gone to the store to get "supplies" like the locals. I should know by now--"when in Rome..."~

In between the cover of another perfect wonder

And it's so white as snow

Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed

And there's nowhere to go

and I bet they thought...."Will we get caught?---Fat chance!"

Apparently being really fat has some advantages that have never occurred to me. 

Ailene Brown and Shmeco Thomas of Oklahoma attempted to steal $2,600 dollars of clothing and shoes at T.J.Maxx…not by using the usual shoplifting techniques but by actually concealing the stolen goods in their body fat and arm pits.  (I can't help but wonder if T.J. Maxx put the sweaty-arm-pit-smelling items back on the racks---Bet you can't shop there again without thinking about that.)  Among the items the ladies were packing: four pairs of boots, three pairs of jeans, a wallet and gloves.  Love handles can be used to carry quite a bit these days!! One of the women was able to fit three boots under her breast.  Really?  FOUR pairs of boots?! THREE under her breasts? Wow. (I just wanna know.....were these knee high boots?)   Well, I think these ladies must not be too bright.  I mean really.....they should have waited a few more years----you know, given themselves time to put on a few more pounds....and they could have walked away with a small vehicle hidden in those crevices.  Gives new meaning to the phrase "she carries around a spare tire".  I for one applaud their ingenuity.  Nothing shows your clever, creativeness like hiding merchandise in your fat rolls.  I bet they could smuggle additional carry-on luggage when flying, saving hundreds of dollars in baggage fees.  Or use those extra large creases in which to carry the kids around when getting groceries.  Hey! They could just forget the grocery cart altogether!  Simply cram the groceries in there too!  These thieves have opened up a whole new world of possibilities if you think about it.  Then again....don't think about it too much .... it really is pretty disgusting.

I'd like a pair in every color!  (I might need three hefty ladies to pull that one off)

My first American Christmas (well....my first in a long time)

I am so confused! Even Christmas in the US has changed since I left 21 years ago! Now I return to find the TV ads inundated with gift suggestions such as the Shake-Weight (have you SEEN that commercial?!.....it should have been rated due to its highly suggestive nature). And the Obama Chia Pet~ Nothing like a quality terracotta presidential head that grows real sprout hair. Perfect for a classy centerpiece or just give him a quick trim to enhance your salad. Then there is the Snuggie....and even better---the Slanket (blanket with sleeves). Are we now so lazy that we have to wear our bedding around the house, thereby never really leaving the warmth and comfort of our beds (meanwhile our asses grow exponentially). But my favorite new holiday tradition.....costumes for cars! Since when did we start dressing our cars up in Christmas costumes? I have seen cars with reindeer antlers and red noses, cars with lit up Christmas lights strung on them, cars decorated with bows, and cars with actual mini Christmas trees topping them. Hey people....remember HALLOWEEN? THAT is the holiday for costumes (and on kids...not cars). So ... eat some fudge, drink some egg nog, sing some carols, and send out holiday cards----but please... put away the Rudolph car costumes!
Thanks! and MERRY AMERICAN CHRISTMAS!

What Not to Wear

Festive Faux Pas

I thought I would be cute and send out Christmas messages via text this year. So I sent out messages to my friends, family, co-workers and even business associates (my lawyer, broker, dentist, and the vet we use). My message was to be simple, classy, and yet festive: "Feliz Navidad to you and your family!" Unfortunately my phone decided to auto-correct. And even more unfortunate.....I sent out the message before realizing that I had been infiltrated by that nasty spell-check-correct function. So my happy holiday message to all went out as "Feces Navidad to you and your family". If you are one of the lucky recipients of my Christmas Faux Pas.....please accept my apologies (if you can stop laughing long enough to do so).

Bust a Move!

 I can't get this song out of my head. Everyone else is walking around humming-- dashing through the snow....or chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Not me. I've got Bust a Move playing in my mind. (and nothing says "tis the season for baby Jesus" like Bust a Move.)

House-hunting in JAW-JA

Reader's tip:  To heighten your right-there-in-the-action experience, click on the link below (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yt9R0I3gSk) and listen while reading this blog.  You will feel as though you too are out there in the Georgian wilds....making your dreams come true.

I have spent nearly every day of the last 3 weeks with my realtor----looking at house after house after house.  I think I have seen every house for sale within a 50 mile radius.  So I have gotten to know my realtor very well.  Just so you get the picture.....she is not southern.  She is from New York.  And she sounds a lot like Fran Drescher (you remember...."The Nanny")  In fact, she sounds exactlylike her.  And the longer the day gets (and when she gets frustrated--- which is often)...her Fran-ness gets stronger and stronger.  I happen to do a great Fran Drescher (and realtor) imitation......so sometimes I will talk back to the realtor in her own nasally Fran-Drescher-y voice.  Just for fun.

The first few days of house-hunting everyone is very polite and formal and on their best behavior. But let me tell you---after 3 weeks of spending day after friggin day together, we are all pretty much our "real" selves.  So now that we have all let our hair down---house-hunting has become an experience.  Just yesterday Fran stopped at the gas station, went in to pay, and came back with a  giant pickle---you know, the ones that are the size of a small banana--(seriously. this is a true story).  But then she decided it really wasn't all that good and flung it out the window.  I had visions of some poor guy driving down the road and suddenly getting his windshield  smacked by a giant pickle. Try turning that into your insurance company.

And you know you are in big trouble when you are looking at a house-- that I admit was just one rung on the ladder above a trailer---and Fran begins "singing" the dueling banjo song from Deliverance.  Not a good sign at all. (Are you listening to it now?  Kinda gives you the creeps doesn't it.....that's how I feel every day while out with Frannie.  There have been moments when it feels like I am going to round the corner of a house and come upon Ned Beatty in the "squeal like a pig" scene.)

She then took me to her house (so I could see the type of house that I could never afford)..almost 10,000 square feet of marble, art work, statues, a wine cellar, a 20-seat theatre, and room after room after room.  As I wandered around (jaw dragging on the ground) I came upon a photo of a female body-builder---one with man-like bulging muscles and an ass that resembled two hardened mounds of concrete.  My jaw dropped about a foot further. It was FRAN!  REALLY??!!  Fran was a body builder?  Apparently my new jumbo-pickle-eating friend was indeed a mega-muscled maniac back in the day.

Yesterday I called her to get an update on a couple of houses and I got her machine.  "Sorry I am not available right now. I am out making someones real estate dreams come true."   Well that's nice.  Clearly not MINE...since I was on the phone with her recorded Fran Drescher-like voice rather than with her ---getting my real estate dreams fulfilled.  When she finally called back I told her that she needed to change her message----since clearly she was only making my real estate nightmares come true (remember the Deliverance- themed house in paragraph 4 above?)

Now, nearly one month and approximately 200 houses later.....my dreams have not yet come true Frannie. So please throw down your pickle and find me my house!   

More culture shock....these things did not exist when I last lived in the USA:

*I was in Rite-Aid.. or was it CVS?....or Walgreens?  It was one of those on-every-corner drug stores----and I was wandering around checking out all the stuff-you-never-need/want.  And there in front of me were....Press on Toe-nails!  Now, seriously--  Press/glue on plastic nails are bad enough--but stick-on TOE NAILS?!  So there I was staring at these fake toe-nails.  I was somewhat horrified and yet I found myself strangely drawn to look at them closer.  In the package there were two big nails and then a bunch of little ones to stick over your own toenails.   I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or run screaming with madness from the store.  

*What is the deal with all of the "As Seen on TV!" products?  Isn't pretty much everything "seen on TV"?  Seems like a tricky marketing ploy.  Why not try for "As Seen in the Mall!" or "As Read About Online!" or "As Seen in Your Friend's House" or "As Seen in This Store on This Shelf!"--all of those seem just as good.  

*(I love this one). Television commercials that go like this:  "Hey--ask your doctor about Superla-Anti-depression drug! Works great!  You will feel wonderful and happy and life will be so light and care-free!  However, Superla may cause leg cramps, heart problems, and brain tumors. Oh, and it might also result in dizziness that will cause you to lay in bed all day, blurred vision or blindness and explosive diarrhea and severe ass-rash.  You may also develop a rare blood disease, a skin condition with oozing sores or bleeding hemorrhoids.  But hey--you will no longer be depressed and will so feel happy that you won't care about all that stuff!  So ask your doctor about Superla today!

*Restaurants:  Can I PLEASE eat without being interrupted every 5 minutes by my server?!  I want to enjoy my meal and conversation with my dining companion without some loud waitress/waiter barging up to the table practically screaming "IS EVERYTHING OK? DO YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE? WOULD YOU LIKE DESSERT? ARE YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?  WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO WRAP IT UP? HERE IS YOUR CHECK! DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE IT UP FOR YOU?"  He/she might as well add "DO YOU NEED ME TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR COAT?  CUZ YOU WILL BE LEAVING SOON, RIGHT?"  

And while I am on the subject of restaurants-- it seems strange, after living in the land of waffles for 14 years,  to come to southern USA and find a WAFFLE HOUSE on nearly every corner. Kind of odd.  It would be like having a Sloppy Joe Shack in the heart of the Grand Place in Brussels---completely out of place.  OH, and we passed a place yesterday called "Dutch Monkey Doughnuts".  What is that all about?  I was in the Netherlands almost weekly and I never saw a Dutch monkey (or any type of monkey).  And they don't have doughnuts there either.  (I tried to get Dallas to stop, but he refused---but I will be going back there to find out what a Dutch Monkey Doughnut is---so I willl keep you posted)

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