A visit from Nana

Our 93-year-old grandma and her husband just drove across the country (MI to FLA).  Remarkable!   But what is even more remarkable is that she and her husband Bill drove there to GOLF!  You see, she is a bit of a wild woman---golfing, bowling, AND she took up with and married a younger man about 5 years ago....... (Bill is 91).

They decided to stop off in JAW-JA for a visit with us.  We had such a fun time with them! (but I think they only stopped to play cards....and for our money).  We played cards both nights.  And Bill won both nights. 

...I am a bit suspicious (card shark!).

The first night Nana informed me that she gets cold easily when sleeping.  So I gave her my nice, really heavy mink blanket (purchased in Asia).  The next morning she said the blanket was SO heavy that she couldn't move all night as she was held in place under its weight.  I told her that was intentional.....I was hoping that the blanket would act like a vice and keep her in her bed.  I  didn't want her wandering around the house in the middle of the night, getting into trouble.  And the blanket was easier than locking her door. 

She also said that our towels were too large and heavy....she couldn't get one wrapped around her tiny body.  I handed her a washcloth.

We had a great time and hope they come back again.....with some advance notice---- so I can get a not-so-heavy blanket, smaller towels, and can have some time to practice playing cards beforehand......either that or hide my wallet!

I'm feeling a little blue (a dark navy, heavy wool kinda blue)

At a Civil War Musket firing demonstration in the deep South:

Musket Firing Demonstration Person (MFDP):  (using a long, winding, barely-understandable Southern drawl) So...I am wearing the uniform of which Army?

Person in Audience (PIA):  Confederate Army!

MFDP:  Right! (audience claps and cheers)

And this musket is from which Army?

PIA:  Confederate! 

MFDP:  Right again! Very good! (audience claps and cheers)

And this Fort you are visiting was held by which side in the Civil War?

PIA:  Confederacy! 

MFDP:  Right! Excellent! Such a smart crowd! (audience claps and cheers)

And who were the ones who wore the navy blue uniforms? What were they called?

Me:  The winners! ........ (awkward silence and not-so-friendly stares)

You know, I don't think the South has quite gotten over it.

This year's Valentine proposal...

Laying in bed watching a Valentine-ish movie.....

Me:  Hey!  Wanna be my Valentine?

Him:  Sure.  (thinks a bit) What does that involve?  

Me:  Not much....treat me like a queen, do whatever I say, let me have my way and be right all the time.

Him:  Oh, ....you mean act like I do every other day of the year.

Me:  Pretty much.

My Corn-tucky Christmas

We are in Kentucky for Christmas this year.  You might be a Kentucky Redneck if you find yourself singing this version of the holiday song.....(written and sung .....by me)

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me....

Twelve cans of Bud Light                                    

Eleven stained wife-beaters

Ten overflowing ashtrays

Nine trips to the dollar store 

Eight clerks with missing teeth

Seven tatoos on Santa

Six guns on display

Fiiiiiiiiiiive family fights

Four chainsaws running (while we hauled wood)

Three deer heads (hanging above the holiday tree)

Two RVs in the drive aaaaaaand......... 

One bottle of Homemade Moonshine

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet~

We are adopting.  A Furkid.  And that was the easy part.  Now the hard part. 

The Name.

Our cat that died last Spring was Minuit (Midnight in French).  He was from the French-speaking part of Belgium.  Our other cat---still with us---came from the Flemish part of Belgium.  Her Flemish name is Prutske (affectionate word for a child, someone you love, or a cute little one).  And now.......now we are adopting a cat from the deep South.  So he must have a name from the deep South.  What might that be?----Okra? Grits? Hush Puppy?  Chitterling?  No.  Southern food just doesn't translate to a good cat name. 

one day later:  Hmmmmm......Bible Belt?  Redneck?  Moonshine?.......No.  Still --nothing working.  

two days later:  How about some good ol' Southern names.....Billy Bob, Bubba, Jethro, ....no.  

three days later:  Deliverance?  NO!  

four days later:  Peanut, Peaches....nice Georgian names --but too cute.  This is not easy.  

five  days later......OK--finally---a good name that will represent our cat's Southern heritage.  Our new adopted furkid is............BANJO!  ......by the way---Banjo was in a cat show this weekend and he won first place in the OVERALL BEST HOUSEHOLD PET category.  (I obviously picked a winner)

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful. -Steve Martin

Banjo looking so proud after his big win at the Cat Show in Atlanta

Showing off his cool-cat skills while being judged

Critical instructions for visiting the Andersons in ARRR-CAN-SAW

Critical instructions for visiting the Andersons in ARRR-CAN-SAW~

1. Be sure to bring several pairs of pants with an elastic waist. These will provide you with countless hours of comfort after the many fabulous meals, snacks and desserts. 2. Save approximately 500-1000 dollars prior to your visit. This will be be needed to buy your new wardrobe after your visit (two sizes bigger than what you previously wore). 3. Before visiting take an assertiveness training class. This will enable you to say NO when faced with the endless conveyor belt of delicious, tempting dishes that will be presented to you every 45 minutes or so.  ‎4. You may consider bringing a dog (he will be of service when you need to slip half of your HUGE meal to him under the table). 5. Pack a good pair of running shoes and exercise clothes. You will need them so that you can work out in between feedings.     6. Fast for at least 3 months prior to visiting. This may or may not help. 7. Invest in a good stock so that you will have some funds saved for the lipo your hips and ass will need after the multitude of rich desserts you will be feasting on.

I sure wish I had had these tips prior to my visit.  But I didn't.

So now I am heading to Wal-Mart to buy some extra-extra-large elastic-waistband pants.   Several pair.

You say toe-mah-toe

Dear Misguided British Friend (you know who you are). Please note the following tips for improving (that's right.....I said IMPROVING) your English. 1) Mall is pronounced just as it looks. It does not rhyme with OWL. It rhymes with wall (note how they are spelled the same too--that should have been a good clue) 2) No pudding should ever be black (unless it is made with dark chocolate). 3) No food should ever have the word "blood" in it. Even sausage. 4) Yes, you can shut off the lights. 5) aluminum. let's not even go there. 6) adjust your syllable stress when saying Renaissance, controversy, and advertisement. (it sounds ridiculous otherwise). 7) jelly is jelly ---as in jam or preserves. Jello is not jelly---it is Jello (seems self-explanatory--I don't know why you don't get this) 8) we say toe-may-toe and not toe-mah-toe because we are right. think about it ....how do you pronounce potato? (surely you don't say poe-tah-toe). 9) and lastly (listen-up---this is important)....if you want me to pull out my best shot--I will. but it's not pretty. (you certainly don't want the world to know about your ever-so-rudely named "Spastic Society"). ..... So--study hard and someday maybe you too can comfortably use words such as elevator, blacktop, eraser, sweater, gotten, hickey, shopping cart, cotton candy, howdy, drugstore, flashlight, Popsicle, kitty-corner, and s'mores---to name a few. (it's ok---if you have to, you may look some of them up). I would have posted this on your page instead of mine. but I decided to save you the humiliation of having all your Brit-friends reading it. You would never live it down. (although they may be impressed that you actually managed to get an American girl to talk to you)

On the road to JAW-JA...

Great drive home from Michigan!.....went through several states. My favorite is......

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ....oh and it is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.

(true---didn't make that up)---

STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

(Check appropriate box)

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

__ Total number of vehicles you own __ Number of vehicles that still crank __ Number of vehicles in front yard __ Number of vehicles in back yard __ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Life really is a beach.

I'm hot and tired....oh---and hungry.  And I am riding on the "Speedy Shuttle" from the Tampa airport to Sand Key.  Sounds scenic right?  Sounds like a tropical paradise doesn't it.   Here's how it went down. 

The beginning.......The Sights:  The FIRST AND ORIGINAL HOOTERS (I put all caps because the sign was huge and practically screamed at you as you rode by).   Next was "Dave and Bob's Christmas Wonderland"  ----  I have no explanation.  And finally.....Billy Bob’s Crab Shack --sign boasting "Get your crabs here".   At this point the shuttle driver began belching loud (probably smelly) burps.  (I inched further back in my seat---pressing my back into the stained seat as tightly as I could).

The end.....The Sights:  However....all is not lost.  Tonight I went for a 2 hour walk on the beach at dusk and saw the sun slip quickly below the horizon, and then watched the colors change from yellow to red to orange to pink and finally to a lovely lavender...and then slowly fade.  I listened to the waves crashing at my ankles and marveled at the birds swooping at the tide, while some scurried along the sand as if late for some important date.  And at the end of the walk my lips tasted salty and my feet were gritty with white sand.  Nothing nicer than the ocean. Really. 

Life in the deep South---I am trying to adjust. Really.

I now live in the deep South (aka JAW-JA, which may not officially qualify as the deep South---but it's close enough)--- where everyone drinks their iced tea with a cup of sugar, where they make up new words --like "wunst" (as in wunst I drank an entire jug of sweet tea), where Waffle Houses are on every corner (and the waffles are really pancake batter cooked in a waffle iron), where it's so hot outside that I have debated throwing a roast, a few carrots and potatoes on my backseat so that by the time I get out of work, dinner is ready (because my car really is an oven), where they sell a product called "baconnaise"....a bacon-flavored spread (because--as the label proclaims--"everything should taste like bacon!"), where the shopping malls have "brow stands" so that women can sit in a chair and have their brows, and more importantly, their chin hairs pruned and plucked (out in the middle of the mall for all to admire....like a sick little hair tweezing circus side-show), where Southern slang and twang is sometimes hard to grasp (and where what you don't know can hurt you), and where some neighborhoods make you start humming that banjo tune from Deliverance....

that bearded lady you saw in the circus..... apparently she retired in Poland.

(although this photo was taken in Poland.... she looks like she could use a good Southern style chin-hair-plucking....in the middle of the mall of course)

Coming to Michigan in August~ Tanya's Hypnosis Show!

There is limited seating for this show! ....so make your reservations now!  ----

HYPNOTIST TANYA OSKEY BRINGS HER EXCLUSIVE SHOW TO THE LONGBRANCH SALOON!

This is live entertainment like you’ve never seen before! Witness the amazing wonders of hypnotism or volunteer to be a part of the show.

A truly unique entertainment experience that you won’t want to miss!

Tuesday, August 16th at 8:00 PM

The Longbranch Saloon

1327 East Frances Road, Mount Morris, MI 48458

            (810) 687-2640      

FREE ADMISSION

YOU MUST BE 18 YEARS OF AGE TO ATTEND THIS EVENT

Reservations strongly recommended due to limited seating

Those without reservations will be seated on a first-arrival basis

ENTERTAINMENT BEGINS PROMPTLY AT 8 :00 PM

PLEASE ARRIVE NO LATER THAN 7:45 TO ENSURE THAT YOU ARE SEATED BEFORE THE START OF THE SHOW

Come early for dinner/drinks and to ensure great seating! DOORS OPEN AT 3 PM

Fantastic food and drinks are available at The Longbranch!

If you plan to have dinner, please understand that due to the special nature of this show, there will be no food service during the first 20 minutes of the performance

Bar activities will be limited during the show and will resume at 10:30 for regular Tuesday night operations.

What makes a true friend? I have the answer.

As my friend Diane was walking up the stairs behind me, she blurts out "My God you have lost a lot of weight Tanya!!"  At this point I can only conclude one of the following:

a.   she is in the midst of a psychotic episode and is suffering from serious delusions

b.   she has just noticed the size of my ass.  and being tired from her flight here (and famished after her 4.5 preztel in-flight snack), she is hoping that by giving me a compliment I will allow her to hop on and ride the rest of the way up the stairs

c.  she has somehow lost one contact lens, giving my ass a new leaner perspective

d.  she is the best friend ever and is hoping to lift my spirits over my ever-growing ass size by laying some blatant lies upon me

e.  she bumped her head while exiting the aircraft

f.  she has licked one-to-many candles and the candle wax bacteria has now affected her brain functioning and or eyesight

g. my staircase is narrow and that coupled with the poor lighting gives my ass the best perspective possible (in which case I will always insist on going up first, in front of my guests)

h.  she is starving (remember that 4.5 pretzel in-flight snack?) and is hoping that by buttering me up, I will make her something good to eat

i.  my mirrors are all defective and are making my ass look larger than it really is (if I follow this theory that would also mean that all the mirrors in stores, at work, ...oh --and window reflections too, are all defective)

Well---whatever the case----THANK YOU DIANE!!!  And may I always benefit from your delusions, hallucinations, misperceptions, blatant lies and/or eyeball malfuntions!!!   

Cat mutiny avoided.....but just barely

Now my time in the Extended Stay *Deluxe* hotel has come to an end.  No more maid service.  No more borrowed plungers.  No more 2 burner-no oven cooking.  No more Waffle House next door.   I am finally settling into the new house---But boxes are everywhere!  I am buried under them with no sign of the light-o-day.  Hopefully soon I will see the sun and daylight once again.  

We really got into this house in the nick of time.  The cats were getting restless.  After 5 months in a hotel room with 2 cats..... I was beginning to fear for my life.  I think they were planning a night-time mutiny.  I am certain I saw them sharpening their claws when they thought I wasn't watching.  I was sorta afraid that my next new accessory would be an eyepatch.  (And as much as I love new accessories, I don't think it would be very flattering.  I would find myself wondering..."does this eyepatch make my face look big?")

But I survived with both eyes intact ....and now I am officially a ho-moaner.  With my own plunger. Isn't that nice.  

(If you don't get this at all you have not been following my blog.  I apologize and refer you to previous blog/note entries if you would like to fully appreciate the plunger/ho-moaner references.  If you don't care, just skip it altogether.  I will never know.  Besides...I am just happy that you are reading this entry now.        ....... you are still reading, right?)

Working 9 to 5...

In case you were wondering......Larry, Moe and Curly are alive and well.  They currently work for a shipping company in the Atlanta area of Georgia.  I know this for a fact as they were hired by the ARMY to deliver my household shipment to me last week.  

Larry scratched our front door while bringing in furniture.  Moe sliced the seat of a chair while unwrapping the protective material (he used his handy-dandy 3-Stooges knife to cut away the paper).  And Curly wheeled the moving dolly (with dirty wheels) across our nice cream-colored, freshly professionally-cleaned carpet.  Then all 3 of them hacked away at one of the moving crates while attempting to open it-----from the wrong side.  (We had to tell them they were prying at the back side of the crate).  

So anyway---all 3 are gainfully employed.  Thought you might find that encouraging ---that in these tough times, when good jobs are difficult to find, even Larry, Moe, and Curly are hard at work.  

P.S.  Our washer and dryer were delivered by Laurel and Hardy.