three things i am grateful for today:

the color green. today i noticed the trees and the grass seemed so vibrant and at the same time so dark......... the green nearly colliding with the electric blue of the sky. an amazing color... green....almost alive.

my grandma prevo. she was so kind and thoughtful and generous. she was not materialistic. she cared for people. the relationships in her life were most important to her. she always remembered me no matter where i was, no matter what i was doing, no matter how many grandchildren she had. she made me feel special. i hope i am like her in some way.

my tears. without them i would not appreciate my laughter.

you are getting verrrrry sleeeepy.....

i just got home from my hypnosis show at the club on base. i had about 75 people come to see the show. then i had around 17 volunteers, 6 of whom turned out to be the BEST subjects i have ever had. 2 of them literally fell out of their seats they were so far under.....this was my best show ever!

special thanks to carlos (aka elvis) for volunteering to be a subject....for the 5th time!

my thunderstorm

from my email to you~

well, my thunderstorm is a combination of tumultuous thoughts and feelings...
... and yet in the midst of all this there are moments when i am completely overwhelmed by feelings of grace and humility~ simple moments when i feel deep gratitude for being alive. these moments come to me at surprising times--when i least expect them. like the other day when i was coming out of the store where i purchased a few items i needed for dinner with friends.........as i walked to my car with my bag of lettuce, french baguette, and icecream, i was suddenly flooded with feelings of gratitude.......in that moment i suddenly realized how lucky i am to be living a life where food comes easy and i have plenty to share. these feelings were so strong i had tears in my eyes. ...then last night when i went walking i saw a spectacular sunset. there it was..... lavendar, rose, and bright glowing orange....hovering above the wheat fields that shimmered pink in the glow and smelled faintly of fresh bread. and again that feeling swept over me, taking me by surprise. and i was suddenly very aware of how much i value my eyesight, sense of smell, and all my other senses. and how fortunate i truly am.

things to remember........

it is what it is.

be authentic. be yourself. be genuine.

choose to forget and forgive. let it go.

someone else's feedback should not reinforce your own self-doubts.

ask yourself......what is it i am trying to (or want to) master in life?

focus on what really matters to you.

make it happen........otherwise it's just a wish.

purge the negatives in your life.

bind together your successes and carry those around with you.

live your passion.

barry

our parents were close friends. we were born the same year. we grew up together. and we were playmates. i remember us through the carefree, giddy memories of a child... playing games, pretending to be cowboys and indians, playing with your cars, and my dolls....eating candy and icecream.....laughing and having fun always. i don't recall us ever arguing. in fact, when i see your young face in my mind, you are always smiling.

we only knew each other as children. you moved away before we were teenagers. we did see each other one more time...when we were fifteen. i remember those few days that we met again...thinking and feeling that you were so wonderful. during those two short days that we spent together, i knew that we could be great, life-long friends....if only you lived closer. but you had to leave.

and i never saw you again.

i bet you never knew that i have been looking for you over the past 10 years... that memories of you sometimes fluttered through my mind, evoking nostalgia and colorful images that always made me feel young again...that i was hoping i could find you so that we could talk and laugh again. i have been wondering how you are, what you are doing, and what kind of adult you turned out to be.

yesterday i found out that you died.

today i can't stop thinking about you and experiencing alternating feelings of intense sadness...that you are gone and i can never see you again....and overwhelming happiness...that we shared so many childhood moments together.

barry. i will miss you.

the perfect date

it is pouring here. it is so beautiful. and the sound on the roof and windows is almost sleep-inducing. i love this weather (which may explain why i love belgium and have stayed so long). i am sitting in my office at home....looking out at the castle and the forest around it. there is a lovely veil of rain clouding my view.....and it makes everything look softer. a distant rumble of thunder and an occasional, erratic flicker of lightning compete for attention (now we are talking my favorite weather). i want to sit and watch this forever......

she said.....he said

she said: as for me......i am on the edge....of good things....of change....of pain.....of confusion. these feelings are all one really. one feeling that is shattered like a glass--into many...many that lay around in my head, like sharp pieces. (careful where you walk). but it's all good. it's just the way of life.

he said: Watch the head with all that broken glass. Allthough it can bring luck too. Glass cuts two ways.

she thinks: (damn i love that)

Bell ringers on high....

We went to Maastricht (Netherlands) yesterday---for the day. It was a beautiful day and there we were on the town's ancient bridge, looking down the peaceful river at all the boats and people...and suddenly I hear the church bells ringing.....and they are lovely! And they are not just clanging out some random pattern, they are playing a really pretty melody. I am so enjoying it.......watching the boats....feeling the sun on my face and the nice breeze and........wait......what is that song? I know it I'm sure. It's .....it's........what the.......it's Hotel California. what? Hotel California? Yes, it is. Only in Maastricht. (I suppose the bell-ringers had just returned from a nice trip to the local "coffee shop" where hashish is sold and actually listed on the menus)

leggo my ego

ego boosters for today (and let me tell you...i needed them):

in a restaurant. he approaches me and says, "i have to tell you something"
me: um...ok
him: but i have to whisper it in your ear.
me:(cautiously) uh huh
him: (whispering) you are really very beautiful
me: (somewhat embarrassed) what? ..um....well...thank you (now feeling like i am in some kind of harlequin romance novel moment)
him: no, THANK YOU
i walk away face flushed pink

later......driving in my car. a big truck pulls up and begins driving next to me. i look over----he is looking down into my car at me (and my legs...and unlike most belgian guys in trucks....he has all his teeth and in fact he is good-looking). he motions for me to let him cut in front of him. i do and he pulls in front of me, leans out his window and looks back at me.........then blows me a kiss. i smile. later i pass him and he flashes his lights at me. (ok........for those who don't know the belgian road codes, this means "pull over at the next rest stop"......of course i don't)...but i am still smiling.

...and then this morning i awoke to a beautiful lightning and thunderstorm...my bedroom is in the tower of the castle guardhouse and a cool north wind was blowing the long white curtains in the large window. the storm was electric and i enjoyed it for a few moments...

Mercy

and tonight i went walking in the rain. the sky was light grey and the castle was a dark silhouette against it........looking lonely and sad. the rain turned to a mist that felt cool and soft on my skin. and from somewhere i could smell the fragrance of flowers blooming---so strange so late at night. mercy.........

Top Model in Kansas

I am back in Belgium after 5 weeks in the US. Wow! The people in Kansas ARE SO FAT. No---not just fat... HUGE......gigantic.....big-as-a-house size. When I say I saw "plus size" women, I mean women plus-a-bus size. (now having said that let me add that I recently passed by a mirror and thought I glimpsed someone following me---turns out it was just my ass). Oh...and in Kansas I WAS A SKINNY GIRL (and one of the few with all her teeth). I am contemplating moving to Kansas where I would be considered a really hot top model.

Peace

walking in the dark tonight..........for several hours---through the fields...alone
the night sky was black with no moon ........no stars
only three cars passed me and only a handful of houses drifted by...
the smell of woodsmoke and the pungent odor of earth just turned hung in the darkness...
at times --the air--it was silent and still
other times birds stirred in the treetops...and animals scurried in the brush...and once i heard the grinding of a tractor churning late in the fields
i felt the darkness weighing down on my shoulders, as if i was carrying a shoulderbag.....of something.......like hope
my footsteps echoed and my thoughts swarmed around me, like bees...waiting to find just the right place to light.
once back home... after the long walk, i felt the wet heat of my own body clinging to my skin and my face stung as the warmth of the room brought blood rushing to my cheeks
now it's time to sleep .....and go walking with the angels on the other side of midnight

cuz i’m bored of hanging out in your cold

everyone wants to be around you when you are laughing and funny and helpful and upbeat ............but take a close look at who is at your side when you are not having a great day----...when you are feeling down and you find it difficult to smile. who are those friends who help you laugh again.....who don't leave you behind....who aren't too busy...who don't leave you in the dark....

those are the people to keep near to you...they will warm you on even the coldest of days. and you know that you too would venture into the darkness and cold to find them if they were lost out there...alone.

true friends. how many do you have?

Happy New Year

If you read the front page story of the San Francisco Chronicle on Thursday, Dec 15, 2005, you would have read about a female humpback whale who had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

The fifty-foot whale was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her her tail, her torso and a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farallone Islands (outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her - a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her. When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed them gently around - she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate in the New Year -to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you. And, may you always know the joy of giving and receiving gratitude.