You are not in Oz anymore Dorothy

I have been in Washington DC now for 3 weeks.....and I feel as though I am in a foreign country (which technically I am--after living overseas for 21 years)...I am now in the land of the BIG. ---big houses, big cars, big gulps, big portions, big stores, big asses....and it is giving me a BIG headache. I knew I would have some culture shock but this is ridiculous. And now I have Atlanta to look forward to----some more culture shock----fried-up southern style. I will be like some freak down there...unable to understand a single word they say, unable to figure out how to use the credit card swiping machines at every checkout counter (they don't have them in stores in Europe--because credit cards are not frequently used--if at all---), and unable to choose simple things, like a deodorant ...when shopping-- due to the hundreds of choices (in Belgium, I had 5 to pick from). Things have changed in the US since I lived here back in 1989. Speed eating is the accepted norm... and I now have 362 TV channels (with nothing interesting on at all) compared to the 7 channels I had in Belgium (also with nothing interesting on at all). And styles are different here from those in Europe. Like---what is up with the ultra-long toenails on women? They stick out an inch past the toes! Not only do I find that disturbing--it looks a bit dangerous.....I keep wondering things like---Do they have to buy a bigger shoe to accommodate those extra long daggers? Do they puncture holes in their socks? (and stockings must surely be shredded by lunchtime) And what about their husbands?! Do they have big gashes on their legs from where those weapons of flesh destruction tear at their legs all night? And since when did wearing your breasts under your chin become fashionable? I see all the young girls wearing those push-up bras that practically lift them up around their necks. It's all a bit much for me. I need a waffle and a glass of wine.....

Bracing for Culture Shock

Day 1
Actual conversation
United Airline Ticket Agent: That will be 200 dollars for your in-cabin cat.
Me: 200 dollars?!
Her: Yes. 200 dollars.
Me: 200 dollars?---Does my cat get a seat of his own?
Her: No
Me: An in-flight meal?
Her: No
Me: Bag of cat treats?
Her: No (with cold stare)
Me: How 'bout a packet of peanuts?
Her: (silence with cold stare)
Me: guess not.....

Flight Attendant (in thick French accent): Would you like chicken or pasta?
Translation: Would you like paper or plastic? (also in thick French accent)

10:30 PM (4:30 AM Belgian time): Go to bed.
11:19 PM: Wake up. (cat is on my back)
12:50 AM: Wake up again. (cat is laying on my arm, staring at me)
1:24 AM Wake up ....again (cat is massaging my hair)
2:05 AM: Wake up .........again. (cat is trying to burrow under my blanket)
3:30 AM: Wake up. Time to get up to get ready for work! (did I even sleep?)
4:30 AM: Leave for work. (are you kidding me?)
4:55 AM: Arrive at bus stop and board bus.
6:00 AM Arrive at Pentagon and get on second bus.
6:15 AM: Arrive at Navy Yard and wait for shuttle bus.
6:46 AM: Conclude that I missed the shuttle bus. Wait for next one.
7:15 AM: Conclude that I must not be standing in the right spot. Spend next half hour asking bus drivers, pedestrians, and street people about shuttle. Discover nobody knows anything. (or is it.... everybody knows nothing?)
7:52 AM: Homeless woman asks "are you ok?" (you know it's bad when the homeless people are concerned and are consoling you)
8:15 AM: Someone at work finally answers phone.
8:45 AM: Picked up by someone from office.
9:00 AM: Arrive at work.
9:01 AM: Wishing I were back in Belgium.

Day 2-4
It certainly didn't help that I had not slept more than 4 hours a night during the two weeks prior to the move....and then had jet lag on top of that. So after flying in on Sunday and then starting work Monday...that first week of getting up at 3:30 AM for work every day was brutal. My brain was numb and I was barely functioning. I washed my face with conditioner in the shower, stubbed my toe (hard) on a chair at work I apparently didn't notice, one morning I put masquera on only one eye, fell asleep at my desk (in my cubicle---where everyone can see me), couldn't do basic math in my head (and mis-figured a critical calculation), and wore my stockings inside out on day two. It was a week of a comedy of errors.

Update: Week 2
My spiked high heel got caught in the grate at the bus stop yesterday while I was waiting for the bus. So as everyone stood around watching, I not-so-casually stepped out of my shoe and had to squat down and work it back out of the grate--it took me 5 minutes. (and I did hear people snickering) Oh, and my toenail got caught on the carpet tonight and half of it was ripped off... and I am still so tired that today I was contemplating the possibility of getting my eyelashes weaved up into my eyebrows -- at least I could then keep my eyes open.

a little self-talk

A recent conversation with a friend--
He said: Well, in January when I got up to 212 pounds, I said to myself, "Self--you gotta do something." So I started eating better, working out, riding my bike, and in general, just taking better care of myself.
Me: That's funny--I had the same conversation with myself...to which my "Self" replied, "Shut up bitch and pass the Doritos."

Thank you!

Thank you to all my great and supportive friends! ....especially Kim and Steve~ without you I would most certainly be getting fitted for a straight jacket.

oh crap

The movers came on Monday. So of course I stayed up Sunday night til 6 AM. I purged, cleaned stuff off (don't want dust in your shipment---nothing worse than hordes of dust mites feeding on your dusty household goods), packed some items myself, sorted and organized. Now you may be wondering why I was doing all this the night before the movers arrive, instead of weeks in advance, which would certainly be easier and make more sense. Well, it just happens that I am a master procrastinator. I am so skilled at putting things off that I am now working on New Years resolutions from 1975. At work I often find that by the time I get to the things in my "to do" pile, they no longer need to be done. (look at all the time I save NOT doing meaningless tasks!) See---procrastination is actually a time saver. Anyway, I digress. This is not about my perfected art form of doing everything at the last possible moment. It's about something far less interesting----cat crap.

So..back to the story---I stayed up til 6 AM preparing for the big move. I crawled into bed. When I say I crawled in bed, I mean that literally. My cat has diabetes and kidney failure so he can no longer jump up onto the bed. Therefore, the mattress is now on the floor in order to accommodate him. The litter box and his food are also in the room to accommodate him. After crawling onto my bed-on-the-floor for my one hour of sleep, I then had to fight that giddy high that you develop when you are completely exhausted. The one where you have adrenaline pumping through you, keeping you from relaxing and falling asleep.

Then...just as I arrived at the brink of sleep, just before falling over the edge into my subconscious, I suddenly felt myself being dragged back to alertness. No! No! No! my mind began pleading. But it was no use. It was the wicked, nose-burning, make-me-want-to-gag smell of cat crap, just feet away from my head (remember...litter box is in the bedroom for his majesty. And his majesty is usually above kicking the litter over onto his own crap in order to bury the smelly crap). So I found myself desperately fighting that feeling of drifting back to wakefulness. I had mere minutes left to sleep! I did not want to wake up! Yet ---that smell! So, you see, this is what I am reduced to these days---a mental self-debate at 6AM....precious minutes of sleep on the one hand (tinged with stomach wrenching cat crap smell) or wasting precious sleep time getting up to bury the crap, ensuring that I would be jolted back to a state of wakefulness and would probably not get back to sleep at all. It was a big dilemma. And not one I took lightly.

I am sure by now you are on the edge of your seat wondering...Did she fall back asleep, all the while inhaling that foul odor? Or did she drag herself back from the depths of restfulness to get up and flick litter onto that large (and let me tell you it was huge) cat turd? Well, I won't keep you in suspense any longer. I decided that sleep was more important and meaningful and I simply endured the stench as I drifted back down to have a few REM moments.

Now this story would seem to have a happy ending. And it would have... except for the fact that I went on to dream that I was lost in a sewer and that I was sinking in a cesspool of stinking fecal matter. I can't imagine a more disturbing reality seeping into my dreams. Maybe tomorrow night I will spray the room with cinnamon air freshener and I can dream that I am swimming in a large pumpkin pie. The scent of Thanksgiving would be a nice change.

just a thought….

No matter how sweet and delicious, an unrealized dream becomes quite simply just a wish.... fading at daybreak.

translation really is not translation

Things I will not miss about Belgium....

me: Hi, I am here for my appointment.

lady: stares silently

me: Um...my doctor's appointment.

lady: That is not possible.

me: Well... it must be possible. I have an appointment today. I wrote it down very carefully in my calendar, took the day off at work, and drove all the way here.

lady: No.  It is not possible. What is your name? (I tell her)

lady: No.  Your appointment is on August 13.

me: Yes, I know. And that is today---August 13th.

lady: No--the appointment is for August 13, THREE-ZERO.

me: blinking rapidly with a stupid expression on my face, trying to understand what just happened...then suddenly I know.  What? Nooooo....that's THIRTY, not THIRTEEN. (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH---the scream now occurring in my head).

lady: Today is not possible. You can come on the thirteen (by now it is clear she means thirty)

me: No, THAT is not possible ...since I will no longer be in Belgium…..and will be living in a far off land where thirteen is clearly thirteen and thirty is definitely thirty.

The land down under

If you are easily offended, would prefer not to know my very personal business, or lean toward being even a bit prudish----Please stop reading here!
OK...did I lose anyone? Well, just remember, I did warn you.
I paid a visit to my Belgian Gynecologist the other day. (now perhaps I lost a few readers at this point). You may consider what I am about to tell you to be a bit vulgar and way too explicit OR you can consider it a scientific experiment in cultural diversity. Take your pick.
So...back to the story....I paid a visit to my Belgian Gynecologist. Visiting a doctor here is very different from the American experience. The office is part of her house. She has no receptionist or secretary or billing clerk--you just walk in and sit in a very small waiting room--with enough space for exactly 3 people to wait and furnished with a small soft sofa and a comfy chair. When someone leaves, the doctor steps out and indicates for the next person to come on in......into her very small exam room (with of course no assistant)--just a desk, a sort-of reclining chair with stirrups, and a see-through screen (why bother with a screen when it is virtually transparent?) to stand behind when you are told to strip down and then come out mostly naked (no curtain or sheet to cover you, or paper gown of any sort). You don't lie back on an examining bed----you sit up, slightly leaned back, able to observe the entire goings-on. So now fast forward a bit....there I am sitting in this chair, mostly naked, knees wide, feet in the pedal-things (why do we call them stirrups? no one is riding anywhere) thanking the lord that I had the foresight to choose a female doctor. She has this microscope-looking-instrument between my legs and close to me, obviously zeroed in on my nether regions. Oh----and there is a large light shining on me down there....VERY bright----lighting me up like a mini football stadium. And she is in the middle of the exam, instrument plunged deeply. Suddenly her cell phone rings. "Oh" she says..."excuse me...I am going to get that". Out comes the speculum. ---- What!!!? Are you kidding me? So now, here I sit in the most exposed, unnatural position of my entire life... and she is answering her cell phone? And it wasn't a quick call either. No---it was at least several minutes long (which feels like 10 hours when your feet are in stirrups). And it didn't seem to be an emergency either. In fact, it sounded rather chatty. I don't speak much French---but I did hear the word couleur (color). Now perhaps it was a business call (like maybe she was discussing the color of someone's labia).....but I don't think so. The tone was very informal. In fact, at the time I was thinking maybe she was ordering wall paper. So I sat there spread eagle, spot light blazing as if my vagina were about to be interrogated (vee have vays to make you talk) ....and she is taking a phone call!! At that point it all seemed so ludicrous that I started to laugh (she didn't notice...she was engrossed in the call---most likely discussing curtain fabrics at this point). This story does have a happy ending...after all, I didn't have to get any further exams. I shudder to think of having an appointment with a Belgian proctologist.

Life hacker

Ever feel like someone hacked into your life? ....and then erased your hard drive?...... but left you some spam?

my thought for the day....

Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us--and those around us -- more effectively.

they are really bugging me..

I hate flies. I really hate flies. And here in Belgium, screens are virtually non-existent. So the flies come into your house whenever you have the windows open. And, since here in Belgium, air conditioning is also virtually non-existent, the flies are pretty much daily visitors. They are disgusting. Did I mention that I hate them? Last week they landed on my cats' food...and laid their disgusting little white eggs. The week before they got into the bottom of the kitchen trash can and laid their disgusting little white eggs...which then became disgusting little white maggots. And even more disgusting.....this week I saw two of them on my favorite wood cutting board---copulating. It doesn't get much more disgusting than that now does it.

I don’t really like Sir Lance a lot

first and probably last time to watch the Tour de France go through my neighborhood.... and so I waved at Lance as he rode by.......he ignored me. how rude.

I scream, you scream

The ice cream truck in my Belgian neighborhood drives by daily in the summertime.  He doesn’t have bells or a nice light summer-feel-good tune playing as he approaches.  No. Instead he has another song blasting from his loudspeaker……..JINGLE BELLS.  OK---now I can see some parallels here…..ice cream is frozen like snow, and we may be “laughing all the way” when eating ice cream.  And admittedly some Belgian summer days can be quite cold.  But beyond that, I fail to understand why he would choose this song.  Once I hear it, it sticks in my head and keeps playing over and over.  The last thing I need to be thinking about when I am relaxing and enjoying a nice cold summer popsicle, is how in just a few months I will need to start preparing for the hectic season, shopping endlessly, and stressing over what to buy everyone.  So I am asking you Mr. Good Humor……..please consider changing your tune to something more seasonally appropriate.   Get some real bells, play a beach tune, or hey---you could even play SAKURA---the song our ice cream truck played when we lived in Japan.  At least that song is nice and relaxing---all about cherry blossoms.  (but also a strange ice cream truck choice…..it is only a clever and cute choice if you are exclusively selling cherry ice cream).   But there must be hundreds of songs that relate to summer, and I bet some that even mention ice cream.   So, Belgian ice cream man…..if you are reading this---thank you for your consideration in this matter.   And a very early Merry Christmas to you.

It’s a hard pill to swallow…..

step 1:  hold cat's head gently yet firmly. open cat's mouth & put pill into back of throat. massage throat and hold mouth shut until cat swallows. talk soothingly to cat & release restraints on head. praise cat for doing a good job.
step 2: retrieve from blanket the pill that cat just spit out. repeat step 1 without swearing

step 3:  repeat steps 1-2 until pill is mushy and pretty much useless

step 4: start steps 1-3 over with new pill and get a drink (water for the cat, something stronger for me)

step 5: success!  YAY!  go to bed feeling accomplished

step 6:  awake in morning to find the pill in the cat's bed. hold back urge to strangle cat.

step 7: push new pill into a small bit of cheese.  put bit of cheese in cat's mouth.  hold shut

step 8: watch orange foam (mixed with white foam from pill) come out of cat's mouth as cat growls angrily

step 9: give up and go to work. (is it my imagination or is my cat actually SMILING???)

don’t even think about it.