For those who have time to burn.....here are my tales of cat vomit, culture shock American-style, faux pas involving large turds and lingerie (not in the same stories thankfully), Gynecology exams gone awry, and other misadventures.....all true (although at times, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent).

Followers

Friday, April 15, 2011

Cat mutiny avoided.....but just barely

Now my time in the Extended Stay *Deluxe* hotel has come to an end.  No more maid service.  No more borrowed plungers.  No more 2 burner-no oven cooking.  No more Waffle House next door.   I am finally settling into the new house---But boxes are everywhere!  I am buried under them with no sign of the light-o-day.  Hopefully soon I will see the sun and daylight once again.  
We really got into this house in the nick of time.  The cats were getting restless.  After 5 months in a hotel room with 2 cats..... I was beginning to fear for my life.  I think they were planning a night-time mutiny.  I am certain I saw them sharpening their claws when they thought I wasn't watching.  I was sorta afraid that my next new accessory would be an eyepatch.  (And as much as I love new accessories, I don't think it would be very flattering.  I would find myself wondering..."does this eyepatch make my face look big?")
But I survived with both eyes intact ....and now I am officially a ho-moaner.  With my own plunger. Isn't that nice.  
(If you don't get this at all you have not been following my blog.  I apologize and refer you to previous blog/note entries if you would like to fully appreciate the plunger/ho-moaner references.  If you don't care, just skip it altogether.  I will never know.  Besides...I am just happy that you are reading this entry now.        ....... you are still reading, right?)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Working 9 to 5...

In case you were wondering......Larry, Moe and Curly are alive and well.  They currently work for a shipping company in the Atlanta area of Georgia.  I know this for a fact as they were hired by the ARMY to deliver my household shipment to me last week.  
Larry scratched our front door while bringing in furniture.  Moe sliced the seat of a chair while unwrapping the protective material (he used his handy-dandy 3-Stooges knife to cut away the paper).  And Curly wheeled the moving dolly (with dirty wheels) across our nice cream-colored, freshly professionally-cleaned carpet.  Then all 3 of them hacked away at one of the moving crates while attempting to open it-----from the wrong side.  (We had to tell them they were prying at the back side of the crate).  

So anyway---all 3 are gainfully employed.  Thought you might find that encouraging ---that in these tough times, when good jobs are difficult to find, even Larry, Moe, and Curly are hard at work.  



P.S.  Our washer and dryer were delivered by Laurel and Hardy.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Minuit

Thirteen years ago a stray cat showed up on my street in Belgium.  I fed him for several years while he lived in a vacant house across the street.  I called him "Black Kitty".  Eventually, he worked his way into my house.  I certainly could not continue to call him "Black Kitty"----that is no name for a cat.  So he got a new name--MINUIT.  (which is MIDNIGHT in French and pronounced MIN-WEE).

Minuit was always loving----to me.   However, he hissed at Dallas every time he (Dallas) walked into the room.  He did this for almost 2 years.  (Dallas finally used tough love for cats---every time Minuit hissed, Dallas would immediately pet him in an overly-affectionate manner-- for several minutes. Minuit quickly stopped his hissing-habit).  

Minuit was my shadow....so much so that I often tripped over him as he was always following me around the house.  And he loved to hear me sing.  He could be in the back of the house, sound asleep----and if I started singing he would run to the living room and sit on the couch, to watch and listen to me sing.....like my own private one-kitty-audience. (ok--maybe it is possible that he is simply deaf and is just attracted to the musical vibrations felt in the floor).  And I could never sit at the computer without him.  He insisted on being on my lap--laying his head across my hands, making it nearly impossible to type.  Like most cats, he loved to lay in the sun.  He would always find a small spot of sun on the floor and then follow it,  moving as the sun spot moved.  

About five years ago Minuit began having medical problems.  He was diagnosed with a brain tumor, heart problems (then later a heart murmur), diabetes, liver problems, anemia, neuropathy in his front leg, seizures, and severe dehydration. So Minuit endured twice daily (or more often) blood tests, twice daily insulin shots, subcutaneous hydration (we bought IV fluids and special needles to give him the fluids twice a day), various medications mixed in his food, weekly shots for anemia --that can burn a bit at times, and weekly trips to the vet for special blood tests.  He went to a Belgian Veterinary University hospital for multiple tests, saw a neurologist and a dermatologist.  He lost most of his black fur which just left him with his fuzzy gray undercoat.  He was often mistaken for a Siamese cat or some rare breed due to his unusual appearance.  He even had a CAT scan (ironically....it turns out CAT scans really don't work very well on cats due to the closeness of the skull to the brain).

Minuit rarely complained and always sat still for all his treatments, sometimes even purring while getting his subQ hydrations.  Five different vets advised me (five different times) that Minuit was going die....within months----or even days.  He never did.  He enjoyed making liars out of all of them.  He wasn't ready to go.  He loved living.  (one vet told me "this cat does not want to die").  He continued to enjoy life...eating a lot, drinking a lot, getting and giving kitty cuddling, and hobbling around --(he walked lopsided--with a limp due to the neuropathy) and had whiskers on only side of his face ....he was sometimes called Quasimodo by my friends.

All of this medical history is not very interesting----but I write about it so you can understand what a fighter Minuit is.....never giving in----always living on---giving lots of love and joy to his family, especially to me.   

Last July, once again, the vets told me that Minuit would not last more than 2 days.  However, at the end of August, he flew with me to Washington DC, where he stayed with me for 3 months.  The vets in DC informed me that he would not live long.  However, in late November he took the 11 hour drive with me to Georgia.  The vets there told me he had 48 hours to live (that was 3 weeks ago).  As we have been living in a hotel for the last 5 months, I have been worried that Minuit would die and I would not have a place to bury him (The Extended Stay Deluxe hotel is not exactly the place for a pet cemetery).

Last night, at 12:30, my brave, tough Minuit finally gave up the fight.  He laid in his bed next to me and quietly took his last breath.  

We closed on our house yesterday.  So, we now have a place to bury him. (I think he intentionally waited so he wouldn't have to have a hotel parking lot burial). 

Special thanks to Valerie, my wonderful Belgian friend, who cared for Minuit whenever I was on vacation or made trips from Belgium to the US.  She tested his blood and gave him his shots and medication.  Minuit allowed her to do all this and would even sleep on the bed with her.  Valerie, your tender care of my beloved cat will never be forgotten.

And a huge hug for Kim and Steve (and Louie) who gave me and Minuit a place to stay in DC for 3 months.  Without them and their amazing generosity, Minuit would not have been able to travel with me to the US. ....(and Kim was the friend who gave Minuit his Quasimodo nickname)


Now we are in our
new house, with Minuit nearby.   He was a sweet, loving boy with so much fight and determination in him.  I miss his little furless body and his huge loving heart.   





Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Communication is the key to a successful marriage

Just as I am drifting off to sleep.......
He whispers:  You are a ho moaning wife.
Me (only half awake):  Um....what?
Him:  You are a now a ho moaner.
Me (still groggy):  I'm sorry.....WHAT?!
Him (louder now):  I said you are a HO MOANER, HO MOANER, HO MOANER!!!!
Me: What is wrong with you?
Him:  Huh?  You don't want to be a ho moaner?
Me:  No......No. Not really.  What are you talking about? Why would you think I want to be a moaning ho?
Him:  What?  No.  Not ho moaner!  HOME OWNER!!
Me:  Oh.  I see...yeah.  Goodnight.

and now ...yes.  I am going to be a ho moaner.  
(notice the big yard?.......I have informed Dallas that he will now be a HO MOWER)

**************************************************
Chez JAW-JA

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

sweet dreams are made of this....

 yeah---this week has seemed so long....just as I was coming out of my deep sleep this morning, I was dreaming .....I was dreaming that I woke up and it was Friday. So then imagine my disappointment. and when I got to work, I was telling the other therapists how I had this great dream and how disappointed I was to wake up only to find that it's Thursday. one of them said...."um....actually it's WEDNESDAY." .....DAMMIT!! (yet another bubble busted)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

JOE

Today is a very sad day for me. I have lost a good friend.

I went to the 9th grade prom with Joe. He was very shy and sweet and kind and I thought he was the best-looking guy at our school. I couldn't believe that he asked me to go with him. I was the luckiest 14-year-old girl on the planet. About 10 years ago we reconnected through the internet.  It didn't matter that I lived thousands of miles away in Europe--or that we had not seen one another since high school.  We emailed each other over those 10 years ....sometimes we would go months without writing and other times we would write every day, depending on what was going on in our lives. We became friends--sharing jokes, talking about our daily routines, sharing family photos and venting when we felt the need. Joe was an exceptional father. He raised his children mostly alone as their mother passed away early in life. He had two granddaugthers whom he adored and he loved spending time with them. Joe was a special guy. And we shared the same love of dry wit. We talked about how others sometimes misunderstood our humor and sarcasm. I was surprised how a painfully shy and quiet boy had grown up to be such a very funny guy.....always making me laugh. We made plans to meet when I was home in Michigan last year. Unfortunately Joe got very sick so we were unable to meet. Both of us were very disappointed. We promised that the next time---for sure ---we would do it. We even jokingly argued about who would pay for dinner. The last letter he wrote to me was a very long one. One in which he told me about some things that were troubling him deeply. He wrote "Sorry for all the crap, I don't mean to "unload" on you, it feels.................good, I guess, to at least get some of this out, or at least go back and read it for the ump-teenth time before I send it to you." I was glad to be there for him--- to listen. And I would give anything to be able to listen to him again today.


Tonight, with deep sadness, I learned that my friend Joe's life has tragically ended.


It breaks my heart to lose such a good friend....a special person. My world just got a little emptier.

And the whole world just lost a bit of brightness.


Joe Rothley, you will be forever missed.
xo





and now....because I know Joe would like this to end on a humorous note.....(if this looks familiar, I posted this on my blog Sept 15, 2010)

An actual conversation with Joe......
He said: Well, in January when I got up to 212 pounds, I said to myself, "Self--you gotta do something." So I started eating better, working out, riding my bike, and in general, just taking better care of myself.
Me: That's funny--I had the same conversation with myself...to which my "Self" replied, "Shut up bitch and pass the Doritos."

This conversation made him laugh. And then we both laughed together.

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Pug Head Tilt

funny....cuz I get the same reaction from Dallas.  (look for the soon-to-be-released Youtube video entitled "The Husband Head Tilt")





Saturday, February 12, 2011

A Valentine Proposal

Walking hand in hand along a wooded path together yesterday----
Me:  Hey, do you wanna be my Valentine?
Dallas:  (quickly exclaiming without hesitation ) YES!!!!
Me:  (smiling) Thanks!  That's nice.
Him: (smiling too) So now, what do I have to do? (a glint of romance in his eye)
Me:  Well, you have to treat me like a queen, wait on me hand and foot, tending to my every need the entire day on Valentines Day and 2 days before.  So basically you will be my slave for 3 days.  Starting tomorrow.
Him:  (not smiling but deep in thought now)  Oh.  
Him: (more thinking...still not smiling)  I don't think I agreed to those conditions.
Me: Sorry, but you did.  You accepted the arrangement.  Can't help it if you failed to read the fine print.  A deal is a deal.
Him:  (more thinking...then a big smile) Hey! (excitedly) Do YOU wanna be MY Valentine?!!
Me:  (quickly.  without thought.) No.  No thank you.  I'm fine with just you being my Valentine.  But thanks anyway.


We walk along the path in silence. (while he contemplates his dilemma...... while I laugh loudly in my head)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Exfoliation...JAW-JA style

I am staying (semi-permanently it seems) at the "Extended Stay Hotel--DELUXE!" in Georgia (aka deep South to me).  This morning after showering I reached up to hang my nice light blue scrunchy sponge on the hook---after using it.....and there tangled inside the netting was a large brown bug (I have no idea what type of bug it was.  And I don't want to risk further repulsion and initiation of my gag reflex by looking it up online.) 
So apparently I recieved a bit of extra exfoliation today, courtesy of Mr. hangin'out-in-your-bath-scrubbie.  I guess he is just one of the "DELUXE" features of my hotel.  Well--thankfully I don't use that sponge to wash my face...but I did feel it necessary to check to ensure that I did not have any small brown bug legs dangling from my armpit. 

UPDATE
Oh yeah.....So Dallas flew in today and got to the room before I arrived home from work.  When I arrived home I asked....Did you take a shower already?  He says "Yes".  Did you use the blue bath sponge?  ---- "Yes".  I started laughing (imagining him scrubbing himself with that bug still peeking out of the bath scrubbie!  Because of course I just left it hanging there in the netting).  Then Dallas looked at me and said....."But I took the bug out first".  
DAMN IT!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

A Turd Out of Hand is Worth Two in the Tush

(This is a letter I wrote to my brother......to try to cheer him up when he was having a bad day---)

You think you have problems?  Here is a very personal situation that I have been dealing with.....Perhaps you can sympathize with my near-crisis.

I have been living in a hotel for several months.  And unfortunately, I have plugged up the toilet in this hotel at least once a week. Apparently I have very large turds. Or at least they must be larger than average. Or maybe they are just bigger than the average Georgian turd. In any case, they don't seem to fit down the small Georgian toilet pipes. So then I have to go to the front desk to request the plunger. So now, not only does the hotel clerk know, ....but everyone in the lobby also knows that I have extra wide turds.  In fact, I have needed the plunger so often, that Dallas refuses to go request the plunger...he certainly doesn't want everyone thinking his turds are huge.  And now, he is out of town...so I can't even try to convince him to go down and get it.  And my extra large morning turd has clogged the toilet once again. So I am faced with the difficult decision---do I go down to the lobby to request the plunger? (They go get it and then lift it up over the front desk to give it to you---practically waving it around in the air.  This ensures that everyone around can see that you have requested the plunger for your inhumanly large non-Georgian stuck-in-the-pipes turd). So---do I go and put myself through this humiliation again? (second time this week) Or do I wait--hoping that somehow the turd will eventually shrink or disintegrate a bit and become dislodged?? And while I am waiting I cannot use the toilet at all.. ....so this decision is crucial. (because at this very moment I have another large non-Georgian turd accumulating and increasing in size within my colon.) 
This is my dilemma.

So-- you think you have problems?   At least you are not walking around with a mammoth size turd peeking out of your ass.  Makes your problems seem small now doesn't it?
(And tomorrow I will be heading to the store to purchase a plunger of my very own.....)

Friday, January 14, 2011

UPDATE: Day 5 of being snowbound in JAW-JA.

Finally made it in to work today...around noon (after the sun hit the snow/ice and everyone has been driving on it all day, making it less slick in some places and even more slippery in others)....but I really need to get out.  I was down to grape kool-aid and peanuts.  I foolishly didn't heed the "state of emergency" warning and therefore didn't stock up on food and supplies.  Hey....I am from Michigan, where we sprinkle some salt around, plow the snow out of our way and go about our lives.  How was I to know that here in Georgia, we do none of that.  Instead we just sit around watching and waiting for the snow and ice to melt~

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

SNOW!

No work for me again today......believe it or not-----we are having a second "snow day" in the deep south (ok.....Georgia may not really qualify as the deep South....but there are days it feels like I am deep somewhere...or perhaps nowhere). The governor has declared a "State of Emergency "due to the (get ready) whopping 3.7 inches of snow!!....and he did this before the snow even started falling....so not even 4 inches of snow ----a walk in the park for Michigan is a calamity in JAW-JA.   But hey--I will accept the day off work graciously...like any Southern Belle would.
I was laughing on Sunday when they said on the news that the stores were running out of bread.....now it is day 2 and it looks like there will be a day 3 or maybe even a day 4 of being stranded. At this time I am wishing I had gone to the store to get "supplies" like the locals. I should know by now--"when in Rome..."~

In between the cover of another perfect wonder
And it's so white as snow
Running through the field where all my tracks will be concealed
And there's nowhere to go

Sunday, January 9, 2011

and I bet they thought...."Will we get caught?---Fat chance!"

Apparently being really fat has some advantages that have never occurred to me. 

Ailene Brown and Shmeco Thomas of Oklahoma attempted to steal $2,600 dollars of clothing and shoes at T.J.Maxx…not by using the usual shoplifting techniques but by actually concealing the stolen goods in their body fat and arm pits.  (I can't help but wonder if T.J. Maxx put the sweaty-arm-pit-smelling items back on the racks---Bet you can't shop there again without thinking about that.)  Among the items the ladies were packing: four pairs of boots, three pairs of jeans, a wallet and gloves.  Love handles can be used to carry quite a bit these days!! One of the women was able to fit three boots under her breast.  Really?  FOUR pairs of boots?! THREE under her breasts? Wow. (I just wanna know.....were these knee high boots?)   Well, I think these ladies must not be too bright.  I mean really.....they should have waited a few more years----you know, given themselves time to put on a few more pounds....and they could have walked away with a small vehicle hidden in those crevices.  Gives new meaning to the phrase "she carries around a spare tire".  I for one applaud their ingenuity.  Nothing shows your clever, creativeness like hiding merchandise in your fat rolls.  I bet they could smuggle additional carry-on luggage when flying, saving hundreds of dollars in baggage fees.  Or use those extra large creases in which to carry the kids around when getting groceries.  Hey! They could just forget the grocery cart altogether!  Simply cram the groceries in there too!  These thieves have opened up a whole new world of possibilities if you think about it.  Then again....don't think about it too much .... it really is pretty disgusting.

I'd like a pair in every color!  (I might need three hefty ladies to pull that one off)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

My first American Christmas (well....my first in a long time)

I am so confused! Even Christmas in the US has changed since I left 21 years ago! Now I return to find the TV ads inundated with gift suggestions such as the Shake-Weight (have you SEEN that commercial?!.....it should have been rated due to its highly suggestive nature). And the Obama Chia Pet~ Nothing like a quality terracotta presidential head that grows real sprout hair. Perfect for a classy centerpiece or just give him a quick trim to enhance your salad. Then there is the Snuggie....and even better---the Slanket (blanket with sleeves). Are we now so lazy that we have to wear our bedding around the house, thereby never really leaving the warmth and comfort of our beds (meanwhile our asses grow exponentially). But my favorite new holiday tradition.....costumes for cars! Since when did we start dressing our cars up in Christmas costumes? I have seen cars with reindeer antlers and red noses, cars with lit up Christmas lights strung on them, cars decorated with bows, and cars with actual mini Christmas trees topping them. Hey people....remember HALLOWEEN? THAT is the holiday for costumes (and on kids...not cars). So ... eat some fudge, drink some egg nog, sing some carols, and send out holiday cards----but please... put away the Rudolph car costumes!
Thanks! and MERRY AMERICAN CHRISTMAS!


What Not to Wear

Popular Posts

Total Pageviews