My Corn-tucky Christmas

We are in Kentucky for Christmas this year.  You might be a Kentucky Redneck if you find yourself singing this version of the holiday song.....(written and sung .....by me)

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me....

Twelve cans of Bud Light                                    

Eleven stained wife-beaters

Ten overflowing ashtrays

Nine trips to the dollar store 

Eight clerks with missing teeth

Seven tatoos on Santa

Six guns on display

Fiiiiiiiiiiive family fights

Four chainsaws running (while we hauled wood)

Three deer heads (hanging above the holiday tree)

Two RVs in the drive aaaaaaand......... 

One bottle of Homemade Moonshine

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet~

We are adopting.  A Furkid.  And that was the easy part.  Now the hard part. 

The Name.

Our cat that died last Spring was Minuit (Midnight in French).  He was from the French-speaking part of Belgium.  Our other cat---still with us---came from the Flemish part of Belgium.  Her Flemish name is Prutske (affectionate word for a child, someone you love, or a cute little one).  And now.......now we are adopting a cat from the deep South.  So he must have a name from the deep South.  What might that be?----Okra? Grits? Hush Puppy?  Chitterling?  No.  Southern food just doesn't translate to a good cat name. 

one day later:  Hmmmmm......Bible Belt?  Redneck?  Moonshine?.......No.  Still --nothing working.  

two days later:  How about some good ol' Southern names.....Billy Bob, Bubba, Jethro, ....no.  

three days later:  Deliverance?  NO!  

four days later:  Peanut, Peaches....nice Georgian names --but too cute.  This is not easy.  

five  days later......OK--finally---a good name that will represent our cat's Southern heritage.  Our new adopted furkid is............BANJO!  ......by the way---Banjo was in a cat show this weekend and he won first place in the OVERALL BEST HOUSEHOLD PET category.  (I obviously picked a winner)

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful. -Steve Martin

Banjo looking so proud after his big win at the Cat Show in Atlanta

Showing off his cool-cat skills while being judged

Critical instructions for visiting the Andersons in ARRR-CAN-SAW

Critical instructions for visiting the Andersons in ARRR-CAN-SAW~

1. Be sure to bring several pairs of pants with an elastic waist. These will provide you with countless hours of comfort after the many fabulous meals, snacks and desserts. 2. Save approximately 500-1000 dollars prior to your visit. This will be be needed to buy your new wardrobe after your visit (two sizes bigger than what you previously wore). 3. Before visiting take an assertiveness training class. This will enable you to say NO when faced with the endless conveyor belt of delicious, tempting dishes that will be presented to you every 45 minutes or so.  ‎4. You may consider bringing a dog (he will be of service when you need to slip half of your HUGE meal to him under the table). 5. Pack a good pair of running shoes and exercise clothes. You will need them so that you can work out in between feedings.     6. Fast for at least 3 months prior to visiting. This may or may not help. 7. Invest in a good stock so that you will have some funds saved for the lipo your hips and ass will need after the multitude of rich desserts you will be feasting on.

I sure wish I had had these tips prior to my visit.  But I didn't.

So now I am heading to Wal-Mart to buy some extra-extra-large elastic-waistband pants.   Several pair.

You say toe-mah-toe

Dear Misguided British Friend (you know who you are). Please note the following tips for improving (that's right.....I said IMPROVING) your English. 1) Mall is pronounced just as it looks. It does not rhyme with OWL. It rhymes with wall (note how they are spelled the same too--that should have been a good clue) 2) No pudding should ever be black (unless it is made with dark chocolate). 3) No food should ever have the word "blood" in it. Even sausage. 4) Yes, you can shut off the lights. 5) aluminum. let's not even go there. 6) adjust your syllable stress when saying Renaissance, controversy, and advertisement. (it sounds ridiculous otherwise). 7) jelly is jelly ---as in jam or preserves. Jello is not jelly---it is Jello (seems self-explanatory--I don't know why you don't get this) 8) we say toe-may-toe and not toe-mah-toe because we are right. think about it ....how do you pronounce potato? (surely you don't say poe-tah-toe). 9) and lastly (listen-up---this is important)....if you want me to pull out my best shot--I will. but it's not pretty. (you certainly don't want the world to know about your ever-so-rudely named "Spastic Society"). ..... So--study hard and someday maybe you too can comfortably use words such as elevator, blacktop, eraser, sweater, gotten, hickey, shopping cart, cotton candy, howdy, drugstore, flashlight, Popsicle, kitty-corner, and s'mores---to name a few. (it's ok---if you have to, you may look some of them up). I would have posted this on your page instead of mine. but I decided to save you the humiliation of having all your Brit-friends reading it. You would never live it down. (although they may be impressed that you actually managed to get an American girl to talk to you)

On the road to JAW-JA...

Great drive home from Michigan!.....went through several states. My favorite is......

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names ....oh and it is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.

(true---didn't make that up)---

STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

(Check appropriate box)

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

__ Total number of vehicles you own __ Number of vehicles that still crank __ Number of vehicles in front yard __ Number of vehicles in back yard __ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Life really is a beach.

I'm hot and tired....oh---and hungry.  And I am riding on the "Speedy Shuttle" from the Tampa airport to Sand Key.  Sounds scenic right?  Sounds like a tropical paradise doesn't it.   Here's how it went down. 

The beginning.......The Sights:  The FIRST AND ORIGINAL HOOTERS (I put all caps because the sign was huge and practically screamed at you as you rode by).   Next was "Dave and Bob's Christmas Wonderland"  ----  I have no explanation.  And finally.....Billy Bob’s Crab Shack --sign boasting "Get your crabs here".   At this point the shuttle driver began belching loud (probably smelly) burps.  (I inched further back in my seat---pressing my back into the stained seat as tightly as I could).

The end.....The Sights:  However....all is not lost.  Tonight I went for a 2 hour walk on the beach at dusk and saw the sun slip quickly below the horizon, and then watched the colors change from yellow to red to orange to pink and finally to a lovely lavender...and then slowly fade.  I listened to the waves crashing at my ankles and marveled at the birds swooping at the tide, while some scurried along the sand as if late for some important date.  And at the end of the walk my lips tasted salty and my feet were gritty with white sand.  Nothing nicer than the ocean. Really. 

Life in the deep South---I am trying to adjust. Really.

I now live in the deep South (aka JAW-JA, which may not officially qualify as the deep South---but it's close enough)--- where everyone drinks their iced tea with a cup of sugar, where they make up new words --like "wunst" (as in wunst I drank an entire jug of sweet tea), where Waffle Houses are on every corner (and the waffles are really pancake batter cooked in a waffle iron), where it's so hot outside that I have debated throwing a roast, a few carrots and potatoes on my backseat so that by the time I get out of work, dinner is ready (because my car really is an oven), where they sell a product called "baconnaise"....a bacon-flavored spread (because--as the label proclaims--"everything should taste like bacon!"), where the shopping malls have "brow stands" so that women can sit in a chair and have their brows, and more importantly, their chin hairs pruned and plucked (out in the middle of the mall for all to admire....like a sick little hair tweezing circus side-show), where Southern slang and twang is sometimes hard to grasp (and where what you don't know can hurt you), and where some neighborhoods make you start humming that banjo tune from Deliverance....

that bearded lady you saw in the circus..... apparently she retired in Poland.

(although this photo was taken in Poland.... she looks like she could use a good Southern style chin-hair-plucking....in the middle of the mall of course)

Coming to Michigan in August~ Tanya's Hypnosis Show!

There is limited seating for this show! ....so make your reservations now!  ----

HYPNOTIST TANYA OSKEY BRINGS HER EXCLUSIVE SHOW TO THE LONGBRANCH SALOON!

This is live entertainment like you’ve never seen before! Witness the amazing wonders of hypnotism or volunteer to be a part of the show.

A truly unique entertainment experience that you won’t want to miss!

Tuesday, August 16th at 8:00 PM

The Longbranch Saloon

1327 East Frances Road, Mount Morris, MI 48458

            (810) 687-2640      

FREE ADMISSION

YOU MUST BE 18 YEARS OF AGE TO ATTEND THIS EVENT

Reservations strongly recommended due to limited seating

Those without reservations will be seated on a first-arrival basis

ENTERTAINMENT BEGINS PROMPTLY AT 8 :00 PM

PLEASE ARRIVE NO LATER THAN 7:45 TO ENSURE THAT YOU ARE SEATED BEFORE THE START OF THE SHOW

Come early for dinner/drinks and to ensure great seating! DOORS OPEN AT 3 PM

Fantastic food and drinks are available at The Longbranch!

If you plan to have dinner, please understand that due to the special nature of this show, there will be no food service during the first 20 minutes of the performance

Bar activities will be limited during the show and will resume at 10:30 for regular Tuesday night operations.

What makes a true friend? I have the answer.

As my friend Diane was walking up the stairs behind me, she blurts out "My God you have lost a lot of weight Tanya!!"  At this point I can only conclude one of the following:

a.   she is in the midst of a psychotic episode and is suffering from serious delusions

b.   she has just noticed the size of my ass.  and being tired from her flight here (and famished after her 4.5 preztel in-flight snack), she is hoping that by giving me a compliment I will allow her to hop on and ride the rest of the way up the stairs

c.  she has somehow lost one contact lens, giving my ass a new leaner perspective

d.  she is the best friend ever and is hoping to lift my spirits over my ever-growing ass size by laying some blatant lies upon me

e.  she bumped her head while exiting the aircraft

f.  she has licked one-to-many candles and the candle wax bacteria has now affected her brain functioning and or eyesight

g. my staircase is narrow and that coupled with the poor lighting gives my ass the best perspective possible (in which case I will always insist on going up first, in front of my guests)

h.  she is starving (remember that 4.5 pretzel in-flight snack?) and is hoping that by buttering me up, I will make her something good to eat

i.  my mirrors are all defective and are making my ass look larger than it really is (if I follow this theory that would also mean that all the mirrors in stores, at work, ...oh --and window reflections too, are all defective)

Well---whatever the case----THANK YOU DIANE!!!  And may I always benefit from your delusions, hallucinations, misperceptions, blatant lies and/or eyeball malfuntions!!!   

Cat mutiny avoided.....but just barely

Now my time in the Extended Stay *Deluxe* hotel has come to an end.  No more maid service.  No more borrowed plungers.  No more 2 burner-no oven cooking.  No more Waffle House next door.   I am finally settling into the new house---But boxes are everywhere!  I am buried under them with no sign of the light-o-day.  Hopefully soon I will see the sun and daylight once again.  

We really got into this house in the nick of time.  The cats were getting restless.  After 5 months in a hotel room with 2 cats..... I was beginning to fear for my life.  I think they were planning a night-time mutiny.  I am certain I saw them sharpening their claws when they thought I wasn't watching.  I was sorta afraid that my next new accessory would be an eyepatch.  (And as much as I love new accessories, I don't think it would be very flattering.  I would find myself wondering..."does this eyepatch make my face look big?")

But I survived with both eyes intact ....and now I am officially a ho-moaner.  With my own plunger. Isn't that nice.  

(If you don't get this at all you have not been following my blog.  I apologize and refer you to previous blog/note entries if you would like to fully appreciate the plunger/ho-moaner references.  If you don't care, just skip it altogether.  I will never know.  Besides...I am just happy that you are reading this entry now.        ....... you are still reading, right?)

Working 9 to 5...

In case you were wondering......Larry, Moe and Curly are alive and well.  They currently work for a shipping company in the Atlanta area of Georgia.  I know this for a fact as they were hired by the ARMY to deliver my household shipment to me last week.  

Larry scratched our front door while bringing in furniture.  Moe sliced the seat of a chair while unwrapping the protective material (he used his handy-dandy 3-Stooges knife to cut away the paper).  And Curly wheeled the moving dolly (with dirty wheels) across our nice cream-colored, freshly professionally-cleaned carpet.  Then all 3 of them hacked away at one of the moving crates while attempting to open it-----from the wrong side.  (We had to tell them they were prying at the back side of the crate).  

So anyway---all 3 are gainfully employed.  Thought you might find that encouraging ---that in these tough times, when good jobs are difficult to find, even Larry, Moe, and Curly are hard at work.  

P.S.  Our washer and dryer were delivered by Laurel and Hardy.

Minuit

Thirteen years ago a stray cat showed up on my street in Belgium.  I fed him for several years while he lived in a vacant house across the street.  I called him "Black Kitty".  Eventually, he worked his way into my house.  I certainly could not continue to call him "Black Kitty"----that is no name for a cat.  So he got a new name--MINUIT.  (which is MIDNIGHT in French and pronounced MIN-WEE).

Minuit was always loving----to me.   However, he hissed at Dallas every time he (Dallas) walked into the room.  He did this for almost 2 years.  (Dallas finally used tough love for cats---every time Minuit hissed, Dallas would immediately pet him in an overly-affectionate manner-- for several minutes. Minuit quickly stopped his hissing-habit).  

Minuit was my shadow....so much so that I often tripped over him as he was always following me around the house.  And he loved to hear me sing.  He could be in the back of the house, sound asleep----and if I started singing he would run to the living room and sit on the couch, to watch and listen to me sing.....like my own private one-kitty-audience. (ok--maybe it is possible that he is simply deaf and is just attracted to the musical vibrations felt in the floor).  And I could never sit at the computer without him.  He insisted on being on my lap--laying his head across my hands, making it nearly impossible to type.  Like most cats, he loved to lay in the sun.  He would always find a small spot of sun on the floor and then follow it,  moving as the sun spot moved.  

About five years ago Minuit began having medical problems.  He was diagnosed with a brain tumor, heart problems (then later a heart murmur), diabetes, liver problems, anemia, neuropathy in his front leg, seizures, and severe dehydration. So Minuit endured twice daily (or more often) blood tests, twice daily insulin shots, subcutaneous hydration (we bought IV fluids and special needles to give him the fluids twice a day), various medications mixed in his food, weekly shots for anemia --that can burn a bit at times, and weekly trips to the vet for special blood tests.  He went to a Belgian Veterinary University hospital for multiple tests, saw a neurologist and a dermatologist.  He lost most of his black fur which just left him with his fuzzy gray undercoat.  He was often mistaken for a Siamese cat or some rare breed due to his unusual appearance.  He even had a CAT scan (ironically....it turns out CAT scans really don't work very well on cats due to the closeness of the skull to the brain).

Minuit rarely complained and always sat still for all his treatments, sometimes even purring while getting his subQ hydrations.  Five different vets advised me (five different times) that Minuit was going die....within months----or even days.  He never did.  He enjoyed making liars out of all of them.  He wasn't ready to go.  He loved living.  (one vet told me "this cat does not want to die").  He continued to enjoy life...eating a lot, drinking a lot, getting and giving kitty cuddling, and hobbling around --(he walked lopsided--with a limp due to the neuropathy) and had whiskers on only side of his face ....he was sometimes called Quasimodo by my friends.

All of this medical history is not very interesting----but I write about it so you can understand what a fighter Minuit is.....never giving in----always living on---giving lots of love and joy to his family, especially to me.   

Last July, once again, the vets told me that Minuit would not last more than 2 days.  However, at the end of August, he flew with me to Washington DC, where he stayed with me for 3 months.  The vets in DC informed me that he would not live long.  However, in late November he took the 11 hour drive with me to Georgia.  The vets there told me he had 48 hours to live (that was 3 weeks ago).  As we have been living in a hotel for the last 5 months, I have been worried that Minuit would die and I would not have a place to bury him (The Extended Stay Deluxe hotel is not exactly the place for a pet cemetery).

Last night, at 12:30, my brave, tough Minuit finally gave up the fight.  He laid in his bed next to me and quietly took his last breath.  

We closed on our house yesterday.  So, we now have a place to bury him. (I think he intentionally waited so he wouldn't have to have a hotel parking lot burial). 

Special thanks to Valerie, my wonderful Belgian friend, who cared for Minuit whenever I was on vacation or made trips from Belgium to the US.  She tested his blood and gave him his shots and medication.  Minuit allowed her to do all this and would even sleep on the bed with her.  Valerie, your tender care of my beloved cat will never be forgotten.

And a huge hug for Kim and Steve (and Louie) who gave me and Minuit a place to stay in DC for 3 months.  Without them and their amazing generosity, Minuit would not have been able to travel with me to the US. ....(and Kim was the friend who gave Minuit his Quasimodo nickname)

Now we are in our
new house, with Minuit nearby.   He was a sweet, loving boy with so much fight and determination in him.  I miss his little furless body and his huge loving heart.   

Communication is the key to a successful marriage

Just as I am drifting off to sleep.......

He whispers:  You are a ho moaning wife.

Me (only half awake):  Um....what?

Him:  You are a now a ho moaner.

Me (still groggy):  I'm sorry.....WHAT?!

Him (louder now):  I said you are a HO MOANER, HO MOANER, HO MOANER!!!!

Me: What is wrong with you?

Him:  Huh?  You don't want to be a ho moaner?

Me:  No......No. Not really.  What are you talking about? Why would you think I want to be a moaning ho?

Him:  What?  No.  Not ho moaner!  HOME OWNER!!

Me:  Oh.  I see...yeah.  Goodnight.

and now ...yes.  I am going to be a ho moaner.  
(notice the big yard?.......I have informed Dallas that he will now be a HO MOWER)

**************************************************

Chez JAW-JA

sweet dreams are made of this....

 yeah---this week has seemed so long....just as I was coming out of my deep sleep this morning, I was dreaming .....I was dreaming that I woke up and it was Friday. So then imagine my disappointment. and when I got to work, I was telling the other therapists how I had this great dream and how disappointed I was to wake up only to find that it's Thursday. one of them said...."um....actually it's WEDNESDAY." .....DAMMIT!! (yet another bubble busted)

JOE

Today is a very sad day for me. I have lost a good friend.

I went to the 9th grade prom with Joe. He was very shy and sweet and kind and I thought he was the best-looking guy at our school. I couldn't believe that he asked me to go with him. I was the luckiest 14-year-old girl on the planet. About 10 years ago we reconnected through the internet.  It didn't matter that I lived thousands of miles away in Europe--or that we had not seen one another since high school.  We emailed each other over those 10 years ....sometimes we would go months without writing and other times we would write every day, depending on what was going on in our lives. We became friends--sharing jokes, talking about our daily routines, sharing family photos and venting when we felt the need. Joe was an exceptional father. He raised his children mostly alone as their mother passed away early in life. He had two granddaugthers whom he adored and he loved spending time with them. Joe was a special guy. And we shared the same love of dry wit. We talked about how others sometimes misunderstood our humor and sarcasm. I was surprised how a painfully shy and quiet boy had grown up to be such a very funny guy.....always making me laugh. We made plans to meet when I was home in Michigan last year. Unfortunately Joe got very sick so we were unable to meet. Both of us were very disappointed. We promised that the next time---for sure ---we would do it. We even jokingly argued about who would pay for dinner. The last letter he wrote to me was a very long one. One in which he told me about some things that were troubling him deeply. He wrote "Sorry for all the crap, I don't mean to "unload" on you, it feels.................good, I guess, to at least get some of this out, or at least go back and read it for the ump-teenth time before I send it to you." I was glad to be there for him--- to listen. And I would give anything to be able to listen to him again today.


Tonight, with deep sadness, I learned that my friend Joe's life has tragically ended.


It breaks my heart to lose such a good friend....a special person. My world just got a little emptier.

And the whole world just lost a bit of brightness.


Joe Rothley, you will be forever missed.
xo

and now....because I know Joe would like this to end on a humorous note.....(if this looks familiar, I posted this on my blog Sept 15, 2010)

An actual conversation with Joe......
He said: Well, in January when I got up to 212 pounds, I said to myself, "Self--you gotta do something." So I started eating better, working out, riding my bike, and in general, just taking better care of myself.
Me: That's funny--I had the same conversation with myself...to which my "Self" replied, "Shut up bitch and pass the Doritos."

This conversation made him laugh. And then we both laughed together.

The Pug Head Tilt

funny....cuz I get the same reaction from Dallas.  (look for the soon-to-be-released Youtube video entitled "The Husband Head Tilt")

A Valentine Proposal

Walking hand in hand along a wooded path together yesterday----

Me:  Hey, do you wanna be my Valentine?

Dallas:  (quickly exclaiming without hesitation ) YES!!!!

Me:  (smiling) Thanks!  That's nice.

Him: (smiling too) So now, what do I have to do? (a glint of romance in his eye)

Me:  Well, you have to treat me like a queen, wait on me hand and foot, tending to my every need the entire day on Valentines Day and 2 days before.  So basically you will be my slave for 3 days.  Starting tomorrow.

Him:  (not smiling but deep in thought now)  Oh.  

Him: (more thinking...still not smiling)  I don't think I agreed to those conditions.

Me: Sorry, but you did.  You accepted the arrangement.  Can't help it if you failed to read the fine print.  A deal is a deal.

Him:  (more thinking...then a big smile) Hey! (excitedly) Do YOU wanna be MY Valentine?!!

Me:  (quickly.  without thought.) No.  No thank you.  I'm fine with just you being my Valentine.  But thanks anyway.


We walk along the path in silence. (while he contemplates his dilemma...... while I laugh loudly in my head)

Exfoliation...JAW-JA style

I am staying (semi-permanently it seems) at the "Extended Stay Hotel--DELUXE!" in Georgia (aka deep South to me).  This morning after showering I reached up to hang my nice light blue scrunchy sponge on the hook---after using it.....and there tangled inside the netting was a large brown bug (I have no idea what type of bug it was.  And I don't want to risk further repulsion and initiation of my gag reflex by looking it up online.) 

So apparently I recieved a bit of extra exfoliation today, courtesy of Mr. hangin'out-in-your-bath-scrubbie.  I guess he is just one of the "DELUXE" features of my hotel.  Well--thankfully I don't use that sponge to wash my face...but I did feel it necessary to check to ensure that I did not have any small brown bug legs dangling from my armpit. 

UPDATE

Oh yeah.....So Dallas flew in today and got to the room before I arrived home from work.  When I arrived home I asked....Did you take a shower already?  He says "Yes".  Did you use the blue bath sponge?  ---- "Yes".  I started laughing (imagining him scrubbing himself with that bug still peeking out of the bath scrubbie!  Because of course I just left it hanging there in the netting).  Then Dallas looked at me and said....."But I took the bug out first".  

DAMN IT!!

A Turd Out of Hand is Worth Two in the Tush

(This is a letter I wrote to my brother......to try to cheer him up when he was having a bad day---)

You think you have problems?  Here is a very personal situation that I have been dealing with.....Perhaps you can sympathize with my near-crisis.

I have been living in a hotel for several months.  And unfortunately, I have plugged up the toilet in this hotel at least once a week. Apparently I have very large turds. Or at least they must be larger than average. Or maybe they are just bigger than the average Georgian turd. In any case, they don't seem to fit down the small Georgian toilet pipes. So then I have to go to the front desk to request the plunger. So now, not only does the hotel clerk know, ....but everyone in the lobby also knows that I have extra wide turds.  In fact, I have needed the plunger so often, that Dallas refuses to go request the plunger...he certainly doesn't want everyone thinking his turds are huge.  And now, he is out of town...so I can't even try to convince him to go down and get it.  And my extra large morning turd has clogged the toilet once again. So I am faced with the difficult decision---do I go down to the lobby to request the plunger? (They go get it and then lift it up over the front desk to give it to you---practically waving it around in the air.  This ensures that everyone around can see that you have requested the plunger for your inhumanly large non-Georgian stuck-in-the-pipes turd). So---do I go and put myself through this humiliation again? (second time this week) Or do I wait--hoping that somehow the turd will eventually shrink or disintegrate a bit and become dislodged?? And while I am waiting I cannot use the toilet at all.. ....so this decision is crucial. (because at this very moment I have another large non-Georgian turd accumulating and increasing in size within my colon.) 

This is my dilemma.

So-- you think you have problems?   At least you are not walking around with a mammoth size turd peeking out of your ass.  Makes your problems seem small now doesn't it?

(And tomorrow I will be heading to the store to purchase a plunger of my very own.....)