"Pay no attention to the people behind the curtain" or "The Plane Truth"

I am sitting on a plane at this very moment on my umpteenth transatlantic flight. I have now discovered that the class system is alive and well. When flying, people are divided up into 3 very distinct classes. The very rich with money to burn (first class), the well-to-do who are used to being treated like they are somebody--and expect this (business class), and the poor slobs--that would include me (economy class).

When first getting on the plane, the rich very quickly disappear behind the curtain into their private world of luxury. The well-to-do lounge in lazy-boy-type seats and are served champagne. The poor slobs are herded to the back of the plane and crammed into seats with their knees bent up agonizing close to their chests. It is a bit reminiscent of a disturbing film I once watched about how veal is processed. I have never been able to eat veal since...calves forced into too-small stalls, unable to move and fed a diet lacking in nutrition and substance (see---just like economy class!). At least the Kobe beef in Japan is treated humanely. To make their end-product-meat tender, they are frequently massaged. Oh yes--eventually they too are butchered, but at least their muscles are tension-free and limber as they march off to the slaughter house.
But let's get back to the class system....
Normally I am just a poor ignorant slob enduring the economy class. But this time the airline overbooked (surprise!), and I was one of the "chosen ones' who was bumped up to business class, or as I now call it----heaven. I say "chosen" because that is exactly what it is. There is no lottery, no flipping of the coin, no first-come-first-serve or any other logical or semi-fair system used to determine who gets this privilege. I feel at this point that it is important for me to warn you......should you decide to continue reading, you will be faced with information that is disturbing at best. *Spoiler Alert* : the rest of this blog will permanently disillusion you, and may make flying economy impossible in the future.

When hustling through business class on my way to the veal farm, I am usually aghast at how much leg room there is. I try not to look.... mainly because it makes me feel deprived --like a kid in a candy shop who can only look at the bright colored sweets and smell their sugary allure, but who doesn't have enough money to buy any of it. It's a sad story I know. And that is exactly how I feel....deprived and sad. Sad to see all that leg room and those big comfy seats. I also hurry through that section so that all those well-to-do fliers don't gaze at me for too long. I don't want to see the pity in their eyes as they see me heading to my child-size seat (very insufficient for my extra-large-adult-size ass).

Well, I finally discovered the reason for all that additional leg room. They don't want any of the poor slobs to know this....but I am going to tell you anyway. You see, they need the extra room because the seats recline to a completely horizontal level! Imagine my delight when I found that I could literally lay back and sleep--legs propped up on the adjustable leg/foot rest, head back on the adjustable fits-to-the-shape-of-your-skull head rest and arms splayed out on my own, don't-have-to-share arm rests. However, I did spend 30 minutes adjusting my seat. If I was going to enjoy this upper-class experience, I wanted to do it right! (Plus---I couldn't figure out the fancy control panels on either side of my seat and it would have been way too embarrassing to ask those around me --who clearly knew what they were doing---how to adjust the seat properly. I didn't want to draw attention to the fact that I really didn't belong---that I had class-hopped). So you see, you need all that extra room between seats so that when the guy in front of you reclines back, he doesn't end up in your lap (if economy seats reclined like this, your head would be in the lap of the person behind you----2 rows back). Oh.....and the blanket is a nice soft cotton and 3 times the size of that polyester pot-holder sized square of cloth you get in economy (that is supposed to be clean but invariably has a long blond hair clinging to it). Dinner is on china, drinks are in real glasses, you get a table cloth on your tray and a nice crisp white linen napkin. Stewardesses bring several bottles of good wine down the aisle so you can choose your vintage. And while the poor slobs are munching their 9 peanuts, we in the upper-class are snacking on freshly roasted warm mixed nuts served in little white china bowls (and they came down the aisle 3 times with a large roasting pan of nuts to offer us more!). I felt so guilty I wanted to hide some in my pockets in sneak them back to the poor slobs when no one was looking. Oh----and dinner was actually good! --- filet mignon with garlic mashed potatoes and raspberry cheesecake! As much as I was enjoying my high-society treatment, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on in FIRST CLASS!. Are they up there lounging on feather beds with Egyptian style servants cooling them with large palm fans and half-naked gorgeous models feeding them grapes by hand? I seriously can't imagine what could be better than my big lazy-boy recliner and those delectable warm roasted nuts.

I then began feeling like an impostor.....an intruder in some secret club that I was somehow able to sneak into. I felt a sense of loyalty to my comrades back in economy. At one point I thought I should run back to economy and shout "Hey! Do you have any idea what is going on up there??? They have warm nuts!"

In fact I was so enjoying my "business experience" that began thinking to myself.....if there is a plane crash----I am not getting out of this plane. I am staying right here in my comfy seat with my nice soft blanket. Who cares if we crash.....I can die laying horizontal with a raspberry cheesecake stain on my shirt.

And then it hit me. How on earth can I ever fly economy again?! I mean, before I was ignorant --even though I saw those grand chairs--I was oblivious as to how heavenly they truly are. But now...now I am enlightened! Now I know what is going on up there behind the curtain (and the purpose of the curtain is clear now as well...to keep us poor slobs in the dark). Oh--it will be so painful to have to trudge through business, back to the bowels of coach again.

If you chose to read this and you are like me---- a poor slob who flies in the cheap seats, I am sorry to have to be the one who informed you of this very real social class system of which you are on the bottom. But maybe someday, you too will be chosen to be bumped up to the lazy-boy section. When you do----think of me ---and have an extra helping of warm roasted nuts.

Good Advice to Self

Here's how it's done--take very small bites, carefully pulling bits off with your teeth..then chew as slowly as possible for an extended period of time, pulverizing the small morsel. now comes the most difficult part..swallow with extreme caution taking care not to hold your breath during this painful moment.


These are my best instructions on how to eat your own words. But even given my most excellent advice, you may just find that you choke on them.

A belated snack....

Don't you hate it when you suddenly find that you have a small piece of meat floating around in your mouth......and the rib dinner was 2 days ago. ugh.

An important note....

Note to my big ass: Please stop following me around....it's getting annoying---and you are beginning to frighten young children. And lately..strangers have been known to attempt to hop on you and hitch a ride. The last time I flew on a plane, I had to buy 2 seats....mine and the one behind me....for you. At work you have become a hazard---for safety reasons they now make me wear a shirt emblazoned with "wide load". I checked my VMA (very massive ass) index and I am off the scale. So please find someone else to cling to~ and give me a break.
Sincerely,
Tanya

Disturbing things that happen when you are on a plane....

Disturbing things that happen when you are on a plane....(actual events from a recent flight. names have been eliminated---mostly because I did not bother to get their names)
* The elderly lady next to you looks over and says "I hope I don't get sick". (she then lets out a gagging cough)
* You are so hungry that you cherish each individual peanut in that minuscule packet, savoring each one and counting them as you eat them. (there are nine)
* You look over to see the guy next to you sleeping .....and his mouth is hanging open (and it looks really stupid and funny!...even though it's disturbing....you laugh). more disturbing: 10 minutes later you suddenly wake up to find you are doing the same thing and look over to find him looking at you ....smirking.
* You see the largest man on planet earth coming down the aisle and he stops at your row and nods to the seat next to you and says "that's mine".
* You smell something horrible and realize that people around you are farting freely as the noise cannot be heard over the engine sounds and it is nearly impossible to detect where the smell is originating from. (you scoot a bit closer to the plane wall, away from largest man on planet earth)

To Pee or not To Pee

I had to drive to Germany for work on Friday. I stopped at a pull-over rest stop to make a call (it's illegal to talk on a cell when driving in Belgium). Anyway....while I was sitting there, a garbage truck pulled up next to me and the guys in the truck got out and began to empty the trash cans in front of my car. Then they began picking up the miscellaneous items left next to the trash cans. You know, large boxes, discarded grocery bags filled with trash, a bathroom sink,....wait....what? ....a sink? yes, apparently Belgian rest stops have everything AND the kitchen sink (or bathroom sink in this case). I mean, really.....who the hell leaves a sink at a rest stop? A few minutes later a car pulled up next to me. A guy got out and went over to the nearest tree and peed on it. Well, I thought----if he had only been there a few moments ago he could have peed in a nice sink!

When your mother-in-law comes to visit.....she is no Swiss Miss.

When my mother-in-law (M-I-L) first came to visit us in Europe we took her to Switzerland. She had never been to Europe before so she had some interesting observations...
M-I-L: Wow! They sure have a lot of hospitals here! Every other building is a hospital!
Me: Um....No, that is the Swiss flag flying on those buildings.
M-I-L: You know, I thought there would be a lot more blondes in Sweden.
Me: Well, there might be....in Sweden. We are in Switzerland.
M-L-L: (while looking at large graffiti on wall) Hey, do you think that means the same thing over here as it does in the U.S.?
Me: Actually, no it does not. In fact, when you go to a store here in Switzerland-- and you buy something-- as you are leaving, you should always say to the clerk "Fuck you very much".

Lovin' life in BE

went today to get my Belgian Identity Card......nothing worse than living in Belgium without an identity. But don't worry---soon I will have a card to prove that I do indeed have one....an identity.

Redheads

‎"You'd find it easier to be bad than good if you had red hair," said Anne reproachfully. "People who haven't red hair don't know what trouble is." -Anne to Marilla in Anne of Green Gables

How to get a workout in during the holidays--Gymagery!

During the holidays it is difficult to get in a good workout at the gym. Instead of trying to find the time to get there and then trekking through the ice and snow, try visualization. Mental imagery can be so powerful! I have found that "gym imagery or Gymagery" is easy and fun to do. It can be done in the comfort and privacy of your own home. You simply picture yourself in your mind's eye, going to the gym and then going through a rigorous workout routine. Try it....it takes less time, less energy, and I find that I really feel good afterward! (of course that may be in part because I am eating a box of cookies whilst doing all this visualizing...)
Order my in-home "Gymagery" course. Regular price $99.99 --but yours today for the discounted price of $29.99! Act now and you will also get the Gymagery workout mat with comfortable pillow insert and imaginary weight set.
(Thanks to Kimberly for the inspiration....although her inspiration to attend the gym will never outweigh my inspiration to eat cookies. And a special thanks to Deb for suggesting the name "Gymagery". I will share the glory, but not the royalties.)

Don't make it friggin' figgy

No figgy pudding please (what the hell is that anyway? pudding should be chocolate, or vanilla, or maybe possibly pistachio....but never "figgy")

When a breeze blows up your skirt.....

So today at work the zipper on the back of my skirt broke.....which means that I had to spend the rest of the day walking around with my skirt wide open in back. I contemplated walking backwards around the clinic.....but then realized that although those behind me would no longer be privy to my problem.....the people coming toward me would now be able to see my backside. There didn't seem to be any real solution except to sit in my office and avoid all walking around whatsoever. I am beginning to see a pattern of wardrobe malfunctions in my life.....like the time I broke the high heel off of my shoe when I arrived at work (one heel got stuck in the grate at the door entrance and snapped off) and had to spend the entire day at work walking around with one high heel and one flat.....or the day I quickly grabbed my high heels, put them on, and ran off to work in a hurry (like I do every day) and then in the middle of a therapy session looked down to see that I was wearing one black high heel shoe and one navy blue one (I'm sure it cultivates patient confidence when they see I am unable to match simple colors) ....or the time I got a strawberry stuck in my stocking leg (as detailed in a previous note). It's like that nightmare you have...the one where everything goes wrong and everyone is laughing at you and you are humiliated. Well... welcome to my world. (but hey--now I have an excuse to buy a new skirt)

Christmas Hypnosis Show December 9th

Just finished a really fun Christmas Hypnosis Show for a group of 120 at the Officers' Club.
My routine for the evening included some holiday themed bits, such as~
* Your name is now Santa Claus. Anytime I call you anything else, you will insist that I call you Santa Claus and then in a deep voice shout "HO HO HO"
*When I say "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" you will feel your chair getting a bit warmer. And each time I say it your chair will get warmer and warmer until finally by the 5th time the seat will be so hot you have to jump out of your seat.
* You can only say the word “fruitcake". No matter what question I ask you, you will answer "fruitcake". (then I ask a series of questions)....and now you can only say the word "reindeer poo".....No matter what I ask, you will respond "reindeer poo". (you can imagine the fun I have with this!)
*You will have a baby pet reindeer in your lap when you wake up …..pet him....he is cute...Oh look, he is getting bigger and bigger---keep petting him....and now he is smaller and smaller..and now bigger and bigger---he is huge! you have to reach way up to pet him now. When I count to 3 you will become fully awake, will stop petting and will look at the person next to you and see how funny they are acting with their arm way up in the air petting an imaginary reindeer. You would never do that would you? (they always say "NO WAY--NEVER!") then I say.."Of course you wouldn't...ok now...pet your reindeer"... and they immediately start up again.
*When you wake you will be wearing big huge woolie winter mittens and you will find it impossible to tear the wrapping paper I give you...but you will try because you want to help me....I need you to help me wrap some presents...but I have no scissors....can you please tear this Christmas paper for me? (Paul was clever and put the paper between his feet to tear it)
*Think of your favorite Christmas or holiday character ...one you really like and would really love to meet. That person or character is now in the audience. When you see them you are going to be so excited you will run right out to meet them--you can talk to them and ask them questions. You are REALLY going to be excited and happy to see them in the audience. You might want to get their autograph....(Christina was so excited she was clapping her hands and stamping her feet and squealing with joy to meet Frosty the Snowman)
*Sticky Christmas candy. You have some very sticky and gooey candy Christmas candy in your mouth which makes it impossible to answer my questions. But you want to answer my questions so you will try.
*Think of a favorite Christmas memory of a favorite toy you received at Christmas time. If you have this image in your mind nod your head. When you awaken you will find that you are now a child and it is that Christmas when you received this favorite toy and that toy is right here with you. It is in your hand but it is still wrapped so you will have to open it before you play with it. (Maddison jumped out of his chair to "fly" his toy airplane around the room--Christina began screaming "I got a Cabbage Patch Doll")
*You are Santa and will be riding in your sleigh being pulled by all those wonderful reindeer. You have a lot of toys to deliver so you need to get the sleigh moving faster....so you will pull on those reins and crack your whip and shout to the reindeer to try to get them to move faster and faster....
*When you awaken you are watching the funniest Christmas movie you have ever seen—hilarious--laugh out loud...oh--now it is the saddest Christmas movie (Maddison and Trenty were wiping the tears from their eyes)....now it is the funniest again.
*When you awake you will be all dressed for cold weather and ready to build a snowman....there is 3 feet of snow so it will be hard to walk through...you may have to lift your feet and legs up high to get through the heavy snow....and rolling those big snow balls to make your snowman will be difficult....that snow is heavy...
* You are Santa's head elf....and one of the other elves is slacking off...he is sitting around drinking out in the audience. You need to go out and tell him to get back to work. You will not touch him, but you can talk to him, scold him, even yell at him in order to get him to come back to work. ....go find him and convince him to get back to work or Santa will not have enough toys made for all the children. (Trenty did not go out into the audience, instead he jumped up on stage where Dallas was working the sound/music cues and started yelling at him to get back to work making toys)
*Take off shoes.....your shoes are now phones....(I put them all over the stage) when you hear the phone ringing, it is Santa Claus and you want to answer the phone because you want to tell him what you really want for Christmas this year. You are very excited to tell him. But there are so many phones so you will need to quickly go from phone to phone answering them all til you find the right one. You will have the right one when the ringing stops. Then you can give Santa that important information about what you really really want for Xmas.
*Nutcracker ballet: you are a famous ballet dancer and when you awaken you will be performing in the Nutcracker ballet on stage before thousands...you are very good. Do your best twirls and jumps...you are so graceful. (The guys did some excellent pirouettes!)
*END OF SHOW- Posthypnotic suggestion: when the show is over you will dance your way back to your seat... do your best dancing moves and take your time....do those sexy moves that no one ever gets to see.

Sticky Situation...

gift wrapping tip: if you are holding the present with one hand, and the bit of scotch tape with the other--and the bit of tape gets looped around your finger....do not under any circumstances try to unloop it with your teeth. turns out....certain types of scotch tape will stick to your lip like the wall of a freezer.......and will result in painful partial removal of your bottom lip. (and yes, I have had my lip stuck to a freezer wall before. but that is a story for another time)-- it all seems rather ridiculous....but then my brother told me that he once put crazy glue on his finger and stuck his finger on his cheek--- just to see how well crazy glue works...apparently it works great! ....and now I don't feel quite so ridiculous.)