Redheads

‎"You'd find it easier to be bad than good if you had red hair," said Anne reproachfully. "People who haven't red hair don't know what trouble is." -Anne to Marilla in Anne of Green Gables

How to get a workout in during the holidays--Gymagery!

During the holidays it is difficult to get in a good workout at the gym. Instead of trying to find the time to get there and then trekking through the ice and snow, try visualization. Mental imagery can be so powerful! I have found that "gym imagery or Gymagery" is easy and fun to do. It can be done in the comfort and privacy of your own home. You simply picture yourself in your mind's eye, going to the gym and then going through a rigorous workout routine. Try it....it takes less time, less energy, and I find that I really feel good afterward! (of course that may be in part because I am eating a box of cookies whilst doing all this visualizing...)
Order my in-home "Gymagery" course. Regular price $99.99 --but yours today for the discounted price of $29.99! Act now and you will also get the Gymagery workout mat with comfortable pillow insert and imaginary weight set.
(Thanks to Kimberly for the inspiration....although her inspiration to attend the gym will never outweigh my inspiration to eat cookies. And a special thanks to Deb for suggesting the name "Gymagery". I will share the glory, but not the royalties.)

Don't make it friggin' figgy

No figgy pudding please (what the hell is that anyway? pudding should be chocolate, or vanilla, or maybe possibly pistachio....but never "figgy")

When a breeze blows up your skirt.....

So today at work the zipper on the back of my skirt broke.....which means that I had to spend the rest of the day walking around with my skirt wide open in back. I contemplated walking backwards around the clinic.....but then realized that although those behind me would no longer be privy to my problem.....the people coming toward me would now be able to see my backside. There didn't seem to be any real solution except to sit in my office and avoid all walking around whatsoever. I am beginning to see a pattern of wardrobe malfunctions in my life.....like the time I broke the high heel off of my shoe when I arrived at work (one heel got stuck in the grate at the door entrance and snapped off) and had to spend the entire day at work walking around with one high heel and one flat.....or the day I quickly grabbed my high heels, put them on, and ran off to work in a hurry (like I do every day) and then in the middle of a therapy session looked down to see that I was wearing one black high heel shoe and one navy blue one (I'm sure it cultivates patient confidence when they see I am unable to match simple colors) ....or the time I got a strawberry stuck in my stocking leg (as detailed in a previous note). It's like that nightmare you have...the one where everything goes wrong and everyone is laughing at you and you are humiliated. Well... welcome to my world. (but hey--now I have an excuse to buy a new skirt)

Christmas Hypnosis Show December 9th

Just finished a really fun Christmas Hypnosis Show for a group of 120 at the Officers' Club.
My routine for the evening included some holiday themed bits, such as~
* Your name is now Santa Claus. Anytime I call you anything else, you will insist that I call you Santa Claus and then in a deep voice shout "HO HO HO"
*When I say "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" you will feel your chair getting a bit warmer. And each time I say it your chair will get warmer and warmer until finally by the 5th time the seat will be so hot you have to jump out of your seat.
* You can only say the word “fruitcake". No matter what question I ask you, you will answer "fruitcake". (then I ask a series of questions)....and now you can only say the word "reindeer poo".....No matter what I ask, you will respond "reindeer poo". (you can imagine the fun I have with this!)
*You will have a baby pet reindeer in your lap when you wake up …..pet him....he is cute...Oh look, he is getting bigger and bigger---keep petting him....and now he is smaller and smaller..and now bigger and bigger---he is huge! you have to reach way up to pet him now. When I count to 3 you will become fully awake, will stop petting and will look at the person next to you and see how funny they are acting with their arm way up in the air petting an imaginary reindeer. You would never do that would you? (they always say "NO WAY--NEVER!") then I say.."Of course you wouldn't...ok now...pet your reindeer"... and they immediately start up again.
*When you wake you will be wearing big huge woolie winter mittens and you will find it impossible to tear the wrapping paper I give you...but you will try because you want to help me....I need you to help me wrap some presents...but I have no scissors....can you please tear this Christmas paper for me? (Paul was clever and put the paper between his feet to tear it)
*Think of your favorite Christmas or holiday character ...one you really like and would really love to meet. That person or character is now in the audience. When you see them you are going to be so excited you will run right out to meet them--you can talk to them and ask them questions. You are REALLY going to be excited and happy to see them in the audience. You might want to get their autograph....(Christina was so excited she was clapping her hands and stamping her feet and squealing with joy to meet Frosty the Snowman)
*Sticky Christmas candy. You have some very sticky and gooey candy Christmas candy in your mouth which makes it impossible to answer my questions. But you want to answer my questions so you will try.
*Think of a favorite Christmas memory of a favorite toy you received at Christmas time. If you have this image in your mind nod your head. When you awaken you will find that you are now a child and it is that Christmas when you received this favorite toy and that toy is right here with you. It is in your hand but it is still wrapped so you will have to open it before you play with it. (Maddison jumped out of his chair to "fly" his toy airplane around the room--Christina began screaming "I got a Cabbage Patch Doll")
*You are Santa and will be riding in your sleigh being pulled by all those wonderful reindeer. You have a lot of toys to deliver so you need to get the sleigh moving faster....so you will pull on those reins and crack your whip and shout to the reindeer to try to get them to move faster and faster....
*When you awaken you are watching the funniest Christmas movie you have ever seen—hilarious--laugh out loud...oh--now it is the saddest Christmas movie (Maddison and Trenty were wiping the tears from their eyes)....now it is the funniest again.
*When you awake you will be all dressed for cold weather and ready to build a snowman....there is 3 feet of snow so it will be hard to walk through...you may have to lift your feet and legs up high to get through the heavy snow....and rolling those big snow balls to make your snowman will be difficult....that snow is heavy...
* You are Santa's head elf....and one of the other elves is slacking off...he is sitting around drinking out in the audience. You need to go out and tell him to get back to work. You will not touch him, but you can talk to him, scold him, even yell at him in order to get him to come back to work. ....go find him and convince him to get back to work or Santa will not have enough toys made for all the children. (Trenty did not go out into the audience, instead he jumped up on stage where Dallas was working the sound/music cues and started yelling at him to get back to work making toys)
*Take off shoes.....your shoes are now phones....(I put them all over the stage) when you hear the phone ringing, it is Santa Claus and you want to answer the phone because you want to tell him what you really want for Christmas this year. You are very excited to tell him. But there are so many phones so you will need to quickly go from phone to phone answering them all til you find the right one. You will have the right one when the ringing stops. Then you can give Santa that important information about what you really really want for Xmas.
*Nutcracker ballet: you are a famous ballet dancer and when you awaken you will be performing in the Nutcracker ballet on stage before thousands...you are very good. Do your best twirls and jumps...you are so graceful. (The guys did some excellent pirouettes!)
*END OF SHOW- Posthypnotic suggestion: when the show is over you will dance your way back to your seat... do your best dancing moves and take your time....do those sexy moves that no one ever gets to see.

Sticky Situation...

gift wrapping tip: if you are holding the present with one hand, and the bit of scotch tape with the other--and the bit of tape gets looped around your finger....do not under any circumstances try to unloop it with your teeth. turns out....certain types of scotch tape will stick to your lip like the wall of a freezer.......and will result in painful partial removal of your bottom lip. (and yes, I have had my lip stuck to a freezer wall before. but that is a story for another time)-- it all seems rather ridiculous....but then my brother told me that he once put crazy glue on his finger and stuck his finger on his cheek--- just to see how well crazy glue works...apparently it works great! ....and now I don't feel quite so ridiculous.)

Lingerie: Part 2 (or are we on Part 3 now?)

Another lingerie-and-me saga: At my desk at work...I look down and see two "puncture" holes in my stockings. Clearly these were made by my pretty white cat who enjoys sticking her paw in my drawer (when I happen to leave it open just a crack) and pulling all the stockings out and onto the floor. I think she is well aware that I have a limited supply---particularly of the nice silky ones I like that can only be purchased in the U.S.
On another note: Look for me next week looking tres chic, wearing a lovely white fur collar attached to my winter coat.....

mmmmmm......stockings....

The many faces of London

...a collage of photos taken during our recent visit to London

a very scary story.....

it was a bit dark..and so as I walked past the large picture window and briefly glimpsed the reflection in the glass, I was startled and a bit frightened---someone was following me. I felt the fear creep up my back and just as my nerves began to jump, I looked again......nobody was following me----turns out it was just my big ass. ...there behind me. (and that is even more frightening...)

My Life of Daily Humiliation

Note to Self: In the future, when changing clothes in your office at the end of the day and carrying your work clothes to your car.... please carry lingerie such as your stockings, in your purse, preferably in an enclosed and zippered pocket.
Work tip for the day: It is very unprofessional to stand around with co-workers laughing about the pair of worn stockings laying on the ground next to the Commander's office door...(particularly when you later discover that they are YOURS)
.... my entire department (including me) spent the whole day laughing about the stockings laying by the Commander's door.... Finally, at the end of the day, someone picked them up. But it wasn't til I got home that night..... putting away my clothes that I noticed that MY stockings were missing.....uh oh. Just another incident where my dignity is slaughtered and laid out for all to see.

Dog Eat Dog

What's worse is I have seen similar behavior exhibited by Dallas over a slice of pizza.

Youtube Debut

Green Day Concert: My 3-second debut on youtube--Great concert! ....I peek into the camera and then look away disgusted---must be due to the crazed sweaty guy jumping up and down next to me (my brother).

VIP passes courtesy of my life-long friend Nancy and her brother

Reasons I love PMS hot flashes

1. Summer clothes are cheaper than winter sweaters and coats. So you can just wear summer stuff all year 'round. Better yet, join a nudist colony and save on clothes altogether.
2. You always have a nice reddened flush to your face (as if you just exited a burning building)
3. All that heat generation must be burning an incredible amount of calories.
4. Good excuse to eat something cold......like icecream.
5. You get extra exercise by taking your sweater on and off and on and off and on and off.
6. The winter heating bill is very low (since the heat is now permanently off in order to keep the house at a near freezing level).
7. Terrycloth sweatbands are bound to come back in style soon.
8. Nobody notices sweat stains when your entire shirt is soaked. The uniformity of the sweat just makes your clothes look one shade darker.
9. You can convince everyone that you are really into working out .....whenever you are hot and sweaty just state "yeah, just got back from the gym...had a great workout".
10. Save money not buying deodorant. It no longer works anyway.....

Sleep deprivation gone awry

I was so tired this morning that instead of shower gel...I put Pantene conditioner on my bath sponge. Well, at least my skin will be manageable and shiny. (hey...it was an honest mistake--the bottles ARE both white with a blue cap!)
And hey---it coulda been worse.....at least I didn't brush my teeth with Vagisil.

A very special Thank You

Dear Facebook~
Thank you so much for sending out (without my permission) those 444 invitations to all my contacts inviting them to join Facebook. It was so exciting today when I was looking at my contacts, searching for a few close friends to invite to Facebook, to suddenly see....."CONGRATULATIONS ! You have successfully invited 444 friends to join Facebook"
(I swear I didn't click on a thing). Since Gmail stores everyone you have ever emailed as a contact---- EVERYONE I have ever emailed in the last decade has now been invited (by me)to join Facebook. And they all received a nice formal email invitation with my current photo right there, embedded in the invitation (just in case they need the face to go with the name....). This included so many wonderful people, such as.... my gynecologist, my lunatic neighbor, one of my paranoid patients, my evil co-worker, the Count de Lichtervelde (my landlord),the crooked company I recently complained about, ebay helpdesk, the entire HR department at work, my lawyer's secretary, the medical technician who does my annual mammograms (cuz you know I want HIM on my Facebook page!) as well as the 226 people who have sent me spam in the the last 3 months. I am sure they are all as thrilled as I was to see that invitation to join Facebook and the special request to be my "friend". So thanks again for making sure that all those whom I never want to hear from again, will be posting messages to me on Facebook daily and viewing all my personal photos and notes. (hey--- maybe even my gynecologist will post some as well...)
I am now going to bed..wishing I could click "undo"

Third Hypnosis Show in Brussels~

Verrrrry funny show tonight!
Just a few of the new things I added to my routine...
*A funny thing: When I wake you, you will see the most hilarious thing happening in the audience. But you cannot laugh until I say the number 5. (wake them) 1 (they are covering their mouths trying hard not to laugh), 2 (it's getting harder to contain the laughter), 3 (I hear some barely contained noises), 4 (I think they are going to lose it), 4 and a half (I am so mean) and FIVE! .....They bust out laughing hysterically and uncontrollably. They are laughing so hard they are even unable to tell me what it is that they see that is so funny.
*Child's Play: When you wake you will have your favorite childhood toy with you. In fact, you are now a child and you will enjoy playing with your favorite toy (theme from Sesame Street begins to play).....So what are you playing with? Answers: HE-MAN, Barbies, my first dolly, and my drums.
*When you wake you will be a jockey riding a horse in the Kentucky Derby. Your chair is your horse.(lone ranger theme begins)...and they are OFF!
*Domino Effect: When I say "tail feathers" you (volunteer #1) will jump up and cock-doodle-doo like a rooster, when you (volunteer #2) hear the rooster, you will jump up and say "Who's your Daddy" and give yourself a little spanking, when you (volunteer #3) hear "Who's your Daddy" you will jump up, twirl around like a ballerina and yell "Weeeee", when you (volunteer #4) hear "Weeeee", you will jump up click your heels together and say "there's no place like home".
*Magic Finger: When I touch your finger with the tip of my finger, I am going to give you some of my hypnotic power......then you will go and touch the forehead of the rest of the volunteers and put them to sleeeeep with the touch of your hypnotic finger. (when she is done)....OK, now sit down, but watch out----your finger wants to touch YOUR forehead, but you don't want to go to sleep right now....but you can't avoid it----here it comes.....
*Trip around the world....First we go to the Caribbean (you are a fish!)...next to Italy (you are a pizza maker).....next to Russia (you are a ballerina)....next to California (a surfer!)...and lastly to India (belly dancer)
*You are in a "Best Butt" contest....when the music starts you will show the judges why you should win this contest. (music by Sir Mix A Lot---"I Like Big Butts")
*You are in a Russian Vodka commercial...and you speak fluent Russian. Now...sell that Vodka!
*You are driving a sports car....your favorite car...(Born to Be Wild is playing)...hey check the mirror, you look goooood, hey look there is a hot babe pulling up next to you....flirt a little....now get into the music while you cruise along.....
*When you wake your name is Sherlock Holmes. Anytime I ask you what your name is, you will respond "My name is Sherlock Holmes". You will do this using your best British accent.
This show was fun and the volunteers fabulous! A big THANK YOU to them!

Sibling rivalry taken to new heights (i.e. my revenge for all the things you did to me when we were kids)

At the French/UK border...and so the Bobbie said, "what I am really interested in is those shoes" (points to my brother's VANS). Apparently smugglers cut the soles out and use them to smuggle drugs. Of course I readily offered for them to strip search my brother--I even encouraged a cavity check. One cop looked at the other and snickered..."You can tell she is his sister...only a sister would offer up such things....poor bloke!"

I love Belgium weather! So don't parade on my rain~

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly--Part II

The Good: I have lost 5 pounds.
The Bad: I had to get a haircut--my hair was long and shaggy AND I needed to shave my legs AND I had to trim my toenails (as they were beginning to slice slits through the front of my shoes).
The Ugly: I have a dreadful feeling that there is some correlation between these "good" and the "bad" events .....and that's rather ugly don't you think.

 

A Belgian driving lesson

When I first arrived in Belgian, I noticed that Belgian truckers were often flashing their lights at me. I immediately thought they must be warning me of an upcoming speed trap. How thoughtful! hmmmmm.....nope, no speed traps. Wait...maybe they are just annoyed with me....am I going too slow? too fast? ....I don't think so. Oh my god...did I leave my lunch on the top of the car again??? (she thinks for a moment). No--I didn't pack a lunch. Why the hell are these truckers always flashing their lights at me? (so now I start paying more attention to these light-flashing drivers). Hey....he is smiling at me and waving......so I ask Dallas that evening, "do truck drivers ever flash their lights at you?". He says, "no, never". Now I think I understand.
The next week a coworker tells me that a truck driver was flashing his lights at her. She immediately thought "something must be wrong with my car!"---so she pulls over at the next rest stop and gets out to examine her car. The truck driver pulls in behind her. "So what's wrong? Is there something wrong with my car?", she says to him. "Mais non" he says (in thick French accent)...."would you like to have a drink?" Puzzled, she looks around....."um, well, where?" (no restaurant at this rest stop)...He flicks his head over at his truck. "In my truck, we can have ze drink". Embarrassed and a bit panicky, she scampers to her car, jumps in, and drives away. (I know what you are thinking....NO---this was not me)
So girls when the truckers flash their lights at you, this is Belgian road talk for "Hey Baby, wanna light my fire?" Sometimes I wave at them or smile. But I was thinking the other day--- this could put a whole new spin on hooking. Forget street walking---simply drive around on the Belgian highways. Believe me ...you would get picked up fast and easy. And then you could simply join the trucker for a "drink in ze truck". Hey---you wanted a job in Europe that involves a lot of travel didn't you?

The best fall drive ever

The drive home from the Netherlands today was so beautiful. The sky was smoke grey with billows of clouds that stretched from the horizon to what seemed like the top of the sky. But in spite of this dark sky, the sun was burning bright from behind me, as if it were a spotlight for my special show.....the performance of the trees....green, gold, yellow, orange, red and a burnished brown--all lit afire spectacularly. Then I passed by the enormous windmills, sitting on the hillside, turning silently and lined up like giant birds on a wire. When I was almost home, I rolled the windows down to feel the cool air. It rushed in quickly and brushed my cheeks and then whipped my hair around my face and I could see my hair flying on the wind all around me--looking the same color as those fiery red leaves along the road. I love fall...

Helpful French phrases

My brother is coming to visit so I sent him this list of helpful French phrases~
*Bonjour (Hello/Good Day)
*Parlez-vous Anglais? (Do you speak English?)
*Oui/Non (Yes/No)
*Desole (I'm sorry)
*S'il vous plait (please)
*Merci (Thank you)
*Au revoir (Goodbye)
*Combien? (How much is it?)
*Je suis perdu! Savez vous ou habite Tanya? (I am lost. Do you know where Tanya lives?)
*Ou sont les toilettes? (Where are the toilets?) and then you might need.....
*Je n'ai pas d'argent....est ce que je peux pisser gratuitenent si il vous plais?! ( I have no money...can I pee for free please?!)
*Je suis tombe et je ne sais pa me relever!! (I've fallen and I can't get up!)
*Bonjour! Etes vous celibataire et riche? Vous demandez combien? (Hi! Are you single and rich? ....You don't charge do you?)----This phrase may be particularly useful in the red-light district.
*C'etait un tres bon diner! Ai je des escargots entre les dents? (That was a great dinner! Do I have any snail in my teeth?)

My Pet Peeves: the word "pet peeve".......and people who name their pets "Peeve"

Cave Girl (Not a new action hero)

....I have terrible vision. Without my glasses or contacts--- I am practically legally blind. Good thing I wasn't born in the caveman days---I would have had to depend on someone to lead me around to protect me.( I would be their cave-bitch) Otherwise I would have surely died an early death....."hey...I think I will sit under this tree "(Mastadon) or "wow....I sure like this nice big cliff" (T-Rex)....yeah..I wouldn't have lasted long.

You live WHERE??!!

Belgium is a beautiful west European country that is bordered by France, Netherlands and the North Sea. Brussels is the capital of Belgium and the currency is Euro. Belgium experiences mild winters and cool summers. Belgium is famous for its medieval castles and Gothic cathedrals.
Often referred to as the ‘Essence of Europe’, Belgium is a wonderful place to visit. It is known for its beer, chocolates and waffles.
Do you know Belgium is the only country in the world that brews 800 different beers and 400 different flavors of beer?
Virtually every Belgian beer has its own special glass, and that beer (and only that beer) is always supposed to be served in it. This applies to bottled beers too, not just the ones on tap! Adds a whole new complexity to bar tending, doesn't it?
Belgium produces 220,000 tons of chocolate every year. When calculated, per person consumption comes to 49 pounds of chocolate per person per year on average. The world's biggest chocolate selling point is the Brussels National Airport (where you will be flying to if you come to visit me).
The only man-made structure visible from the moon is the Belgian motorway system, which is visible as a small glittering spot due to the many, many (orange) lights all along the motorway network.
The world’s main diamond center is Belgium. Almost 90% of raw diamonds in the world are negotiated and distributed in Antwerp, Belgium.
In 1815, the Congress of Vienna defeated Napoleon Bonaparte in Waterloo, which is a city in Belgium (15 minutes from where we live). After this defeat, 124 cities around the world were named Waterloo.
After World War II, Belgium played an important role in laying the foundation for the European Community. Today, Brussels is the capital of European Union (EU). Brussels is also the Headquarters NATO.
Brussels' Royal Palace is bigger than London's Buckingham Palace.
French speaking Belgium is the world's biggest producer of comics.
It is a Belgian who founded New York City.
The first printed newspapers in the world were published in Antwerp Belgium.
Belgians claim to have invented french fries and indeed all Belgian towns have their own french fry stands (friterie).
Europe's first sky scraper was built in Antwerp, Belgium in 1928.
The world's richest girl lives in Brussels (Athina Onassis, grand-daughter of the shipping magnate, Aristotle Onassis)
Belgians are the most avid users of discount coupons in the world (Americans come in second).
Ludwig van Beethoven's family originated from Belgium.
The Atomium is a structure built for the World Fair of 1958. Designed by the engineer André Waterkeyn , the Atomium is a 335 foot tall structure that is a model of an atom of iron crystal, magnified 165 billion times! It is located in Brussels.
The official languages spoken here are Dutch, German and French, though the friendly people of Belgium try their level best to speak English with every tourist and try to help as much as they can! In Belgium, the North speaks Flemish, the South (where we live) speaks French, and a tiny part in the East speaks German.
The people of Belgium are very fond of pets and invariably each household will be rearing a cat and a dog. The country has imposed a trade ban of cat and dog furs along with five other countries in Europe. In a country with a population of around 10 million, there are more than 2 million pet animals of domestic dogs and cats.
Coffee is enjoyed by many and the quality is excellent, but the concept of the American-style coffee shop (like Starbucks) simply doesn't exist. If you want to stop for coffee, you visit a café and you sit down and drink coffee from a real cup, with saucer and spoon...all of which is brought to you. There's no such thing as carry-out coffee, and I'm guessing that they'd find the concept of drive-thru coffee utterly ridiculous. (Wait...news flash! I have just been informed that Belgium has moved into the 21st century and has TWO Starbucks---two, in the entire country)
For environmental reasons grocery stores will not provide you with paper or plastic bags for free. They charge 5 cents per (very small) plastic bag, and I haven't seen the paper ones at all. Most people (ourselves included) purchase sturdy, reusable bags for €1 each from the store.
Grocery stores do not sell medication of any kind - only pharmacies can sell those items, and they are identifiable by a big green cross (just like the Red Cross' logo, but green) over the door.
Don't expect the quick or "hovering" services you get from US waitresses/waiters. You will wait for your menu...wait for your drinks...wait to give your order....wait for your food. You are not supposed to wolf down your food in a hurry. You are to leisurely enjoy your meal---in fact, if you make a restaurant reservation, that table is yours for the night! You and your friends or family are expected to sit and eat and relax and eat a bit more and drink some and talk, ALL NIGHT LONG. You can do this without waiters interrupting you or plopping down your bill.
(I must admit, I was recently back in the States and found the countless visits by the waitress very annoying). Oh--Water is not free in restaurants. No glass of water and certainly no pitcher of water will brought to your table! You must pay for bottled water when you go out to eat. And forget about free drink refills or free ketchup or ice in your glass. Be prepared for wee little tiny almost-shot-glass size drinks. You may need several during your meal. (Usually our drink bill---for bottled water and coke---is bigger than our dinner bill). The Big Gulp has not yet arrived in Europe. (but then again....neither have the big asses that are so common in the US)
Flies, spiders, and mosquitoes ....OH MY! That's right---no screens in Belgium. Don't worry --you get used to it. And actually you may like it. There is nothing like having a crystal clear view of the neighboring castle and feeling a strong breeze in your room on a hot day!
Kissing---as a greeting! No hugs, no handshakes, no waving hello~ Belgians KISS...on the cheek of course. If you are about the same age as the person you are greeting, one kiss is the rule in Belgium. For someone at least ten years older than you are, then three kisses is seen as a mark of respect. This could be hazardous -- especially if you are not good at judging ages!
When out in public, you have to pay to use the toilet! No peeing for free. There is usually a woman sitting near the door of the restroom. You can pay her when you go in or when you come out. (We like to call her Madam PP) Actually, you can pee for free if you want to do it the Belgian way.....just find a dark corner (or any corner will do---even a well-lit one) and simply--pee in it! Or you can pull over to the side of the road and turn your back on all the traffic (act as if no one can see you) and pee right there by the road. (I will admit that I have never seen a woman do this---only men seem to have the "pee for free" privilege)
In most Belgian towns there is a weekly market with smelly fish guy and smelly cheese guy (well, the guy himself doesn't smell). They also sell fruit, vegetables, flowers, bread, fresh farm milk and butter and other strange market items such as ladders, jewelry, knives, underwear, live chickens, sausages, pet beds, and pots and pans.
Nobody works on Sunday! Most stores and businesses are closed on Sunday. You are supposed to be enjoying life with family and friends---NOT shopping....or working! No seven- elevens or other 24 hour stores either. And sadly---no Wal-Mart.
Forget your wonder bread----soft, white, fluffy (and non-nutritional) bread is not available here. Most bread is whole grain, freshly made with a thick crust. Oh--except french bread of course, which is a very long, tube shaped loaf of white bread with a crunchy crust.
Pets are allowed in stores. But you are also supposed to let your dog "go" only in designated public spots. These spots are marked on the pavement with a painted picture of a dog lifting his leg. (really!)
To warn drivers about impending road construction, the Belgian's put up strobe lights. Nothing helps me avoid an accident more than flashing strobe lights blinding me just before a construction zone! Oh, and they also have these weird mannequins they place along the side of the road with long shaggy wigs and (mechanical ) arms that wave up and down in a psychotic-like attempt to warn you that the road is being worked on. (These are somewhat scary and have been known to cause alarmed drivers to run off the road). And if you are sent on a detour due to road construction, you will follow signs and follow some more signs and then suddenly all signs will disappear! You will now be completely lost (due to those detour signs taking you out in the middle of nowhere).
Trash here is sorted. Plastic and aluminum in one trash can. Paper in another. Glass in another. All other trash in another. So you need 4 trash cans in your kitchen AND you can't use just any old garbage bags----you have to PAY for special trash bags! They cost about $1.50 a bag. (Bet you never knew that trash bags could be so special!) And if you don't use these bags.....they don't pick up your trash.

on a serious note.....

In our lives, we all will face some really difficult moments (days, weeks...). But I realize now that these are important and necessary for my growth as a person. Of course the wonderful times can bring us moments of pure joy~ and we thrive on those good times. But during these times we usually float along, enjoying life and not really looking for ways to change or improve (and why would we....we are having fun!). I find that during times when I am faced with serious challenges in my life, I really take the time to take a closer look at myself and my life---I take the time to ask myself important questions and to peel back the layers of superficiality in my life and get down to the core of what is really important. I grow and learn...and I see things in new ways. I become a better and even wiser person. The adversity I face brings about change in me. So although we are sometimes faced with hard and challenging times, I can see some positives to these experiences. .........Every day is extraordinary.....I focus on those things that make it so. ( I am learning how to create my own reality.)

Lost and Found

Finding something you lost so long ago...and having it back again--is just amazing. (unless however what you lost was a small wheel of smelly cheese you bought at the local farmer's market...and forgot you put it in your jacket pocket----or if what you lost was a long red string....and you later discover that your cat ate it and it is now--partially--hanging out of its ass. I am speaking hypothetically of course..)

Memories of a Child*

Early morning~
The air is crisp, the wind--gentle
The lake is like glass
All is quiet, all is still
It smells like sunshine
I hear your footfalls outside~
You are enjoying the world as she blinks her eyes open,
Welcoming a new day.

Mid-afternoon~
Sun blazing--the air is warm
A breeze is dancing on the water
Lifting it up, so it rolls to shore
Slapping the sea wall with a quiet rhythm
The smells of the lake hang in the air
Kelp...fish...
You can't smell it everywhere, just in certain spots
I hear your hammer, building...something
The Island always seems to need your helping hand.

Dusk~
The sky blushes a pale pink
The lake is still busy with the noise
Of a few people--
Enjoying the last bits of daylight
The buzz of bugs
Begins to fill the breeze
The day is growing hazy and the air feels thick
You look tired.

Night~
Darkness wraps the Island
Like a heavy cape
The ink-like sky goes on forever out here
Jet black
Jet black but smeared with the milky streaks
Of glittering stars
The colored lights you strung on the trees
Sway in the cool night air
Like overgrown summertime fireflies
And when the day finally closes her eyes
You are outside with your friends
Sitting at the water's edge
Reveling in the day's final moments
And as I drift off to sleep
The last thing I hear
Is the sound of your laughter.

*Written the night before my father's memorial and read by me the next day at his service.

Me and My Dad

For My Dad~

On the shimmering surface of this deep blue lake, I look down and see your reflection.
In the sound of the waves lapping on the shore, I hear the echoes of your laughter.
And when the cool summer breeze comes dancing across the water, I feel it hit my cheeks and I remember....
All the special moments we shared~
Tanya O.
Every man dies. Not every man lives.
William Wallace

The Good. The Bad. And the Ugly.

co-worker: (at end of workday) what is that on your leg?
me: huh? what? where?
co-worker: there....on the back of your leg.....under your stockings.
me: I don't know. (I crane my neck around and look at the back of my leg)
co-worker: well........what is it?
me: Looks like a piece of strawberry. (I leave his office)
The good news: I was very health-conscious today. I ate yogurt and sliced strawberries for lunch in my office, changed out of my suit and heels, and walked for 30 minutes during my lunchbreak.
The bad news: Apparently I left a large hunk of strawberry on my office chair and when I sat down to put my stockings back on after my walk, it got stuck to my leg and stayed there smooshed between my leg and my stockings for the rest of the day.
The ugly: well, that is pretty ugly isn't it.

Double D Kitty

I realized tonight just how blind I am. I was taking a shower without my contacts in and had left the bathroom door partially open. (don't worry....this is a G-rated story). Through the steamy glass I could see my black cat "Minuit" (Midnight in French) sitting outside the shower waiting for me, as he sometimes does. So I began talking to him (as I sometimes do). This went on throughout my shower. Eventually I shut off the water and stepped out ----to discover that the black cat I was talking to for the last 15 minutes was actually my black bra which I had dropped on my way into the shower. So my very thought-provoking talk with my cat was wasted on lingerie. But as it turns out--- my bra is a very good listener. I guess I just needed to get something off my chest~ (and no need for concern.....you only need to worry if the next time you see me I have a black cat strapped to my breasts)

in a steamy room, I somewhat resemble a black bra....now if only this warm spot would quit moving around.

It's just another day for you and me in paradise....

You may be wondering: Why would anyone go to the Auschwitz Nazi death camp while on vacation? Vacation should be fun, relaxing, and joyful---right? I agree. However, I also feel that it is important while on vacation in a foreign country to get to know the people, the history, and the culture. So, while I was on vacation in the beautiful town of Krakow, Poland, I took a side trip to visit Auschwitz---the largest of Nazi Germany's concentration and extermination camps.
I have read books about the Holocaust, seen movies, and have even been to the former concentration camps in Dachau Germany and Mauthausen Austria and have visited other places related to the Holocaust such as Anne Frank's house in Amsterdam, the beaches, cemeteries and museums in Normandy and the Jewish quarter and cemetery in Prague, Czech Republic. All of these places stir something inside me ... a feeling that seems strange yet familiar, like it was there all the time, just below the surface, waiting to rise up and boil in the pit of my stomach. And when it hits your head you become heavy and nausea grips you tightly as you fight to keep it down. In these places you become claustrophobic and even afraid. At Auschwitz I felt all of this tenfold. Auschwitz was the Nazi's largest extermination camp. At least 1.1 million people were killed at Auschwitz. The trip to Auschwitz was one I will never forget. By coincidence, the day I went to Auschwitz happened to be the 20 year anniversary of the first free election in Poland. Suffice it to say there was much to celebrate this day, after years of Nazi and then Communist rule. This ongoing celebration was a stark contrast to what awaited me at Auschwitz. I knew it would be grim, but I was not prepared for the horror that I would experience. I use the word "experience", because that is exactly what it is. You do not simply visit and "see" Auschwitz. You smell it, you taste it, you hear it screaming, and you definitely feel it. I doubt that you can fully take in what I am about to describe....but try to imagine some of things the Nazis left behind--a room filled with 80,000 shoes---mens', womens', childrens', and babies' shoes; Shoes of the dead--the murdered. Try to envision a room full of hair--two tons of hair; hair still braided, hair with decayed ribbons tied at the ends. Now try to imagine that this hair was used to make fabric; fabric for Nazi uniforms. If you are feeling somewhat nauseous right now, try to imagine standing in that room with the hair in front of you, and a sample of fabric laying there next to it. Try to imagine that a quarter of a million children were murdered there. Right there. In the very place that you are standing. Try to imagine that a doctor came to this place and did medical experiments on other humans, especially children who were twins.
I understand that there are people who claim that the Holocaust is not real, that it did not happen, that it was fabricated. While at Auschwitz I thought about this. And I wanted to believe them. I desperately wanted to believe that none of it was real, that none of it happened. I read somewhere that humans are the only species that kill each other in war-like situations. This is not entirely true. War (systematic extermination of another group of the same species) has been observed in chimpanzees and ringtailed lemurs. I would like to think that we are much more evolved than chimpanzees and lemurs. But it seems that in this respect we are not.
At the end our visit, our Polish guide stated that Auschwitz has been made into a museum and preserved so that visitors (over one million a year) will learn about what happened there and never forget---so that we don't ever allow this to happen again. I reminded her that it has happened again---that genocide is occurring at this very moment in Africa. And yet somehow, we go about our lives, giving it barely a thought most days. Ironically the term genocide was coined in 1943 by the Jewish-Polish lawyer Raphael Lemkin who combined the Greek word "genos" (race or tribe) with the Latin word "cide" (to kill).
I should add that the trip to Auschwitz began with a bus ride. The song on the Polish radio station played "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins. I found myself singing along, recognizing the poignant significance of the lyrics---And I wondered if anyone else on that busload of people was thinking how fitting the song was for a bus trip to Auschwitz~
She calls out to the man on the street
sir, can you help me?
Its cold and Ive nowhere to sleep,
Is there somewhere you can tell me?
He walks on, doesnt look back
He pretends he cant hear her
Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there
Oh think twice, its another day for
You and me in paradise
Oh think twice, its just another day for you,
You and me in paradise
She calls out to the man on the street
He can see shes been crying
Shes got blisters on the soles of her feet
Cant walk but shes trying
Oh think twice, its another day for
You and me in paradise
Oh think twice, its just another day for you,
You and me in paradise
Oh lord, is there nothing more anybody can do
Oh lord, there must be something you can say
You can tell from the lines on her face
You can see that shes been there
Probably been moved on from every place
cos she didnt fit in there
Oh think twice, its another day for
You and me in paradise
Oh think twice, its just another day for you,
You and me in paradise

Letter to David, from David's dog (via me)

Dear David:
Get me out of this damn sweater!
1. as you can see by my expression .....i am not amused. in the future try to be more in tune to my body language.
2. could you have PICKED an uglier garment????!!
3. do i look i need a sweater....perhaps you haven't heard of it....its' called FUR!
Thank you
Lucy

Poland

I am back from Poland~ wow! Nazis, Communists, and then .....McDonalds. You've come a long way baby. Na zdrowie!

When I snap my fingers, you will.....

I recently had my second hypnosis show in Brussels. It was my best show so far with FANTASTIC volunteers! Here are the highlights (names have been changed to protect the innocent):
*I have everyone grab the sides of their chairs........and now--"Your hands are stuck to the chair!" Then I ask them all to switch seats. Craig and Rick tried to move by taking their chairs with them.
*"You have now lost the ability to sit down!" Then I instruct them to have a seat.....and the fun begins.
*"Each time I say the word 'hand', you will feel as though someone has pinched your ass....." Then I ask the audience to give them a HAND, and then I ask to shake their HAND, etc.
*"I have a tray of delicious, sweet, juicy oranges (actually lemons). And you are so thirsty and these oranges are going to taste so sweet and good, you are going to love them! When I say the word 'pizza'---you will realize that you are actually eating lemons not oranges." They then begin grabbing lemon pieces off the tray and gobbling them up.....til I say "pizza"............then they spit out what they are eating. (Craig asked for a napkin so he could wipe off his tongue)
*"Every time I say the word 'hot' you will become warmer and warmer....when I say the word 'cold' you will become colder and colder".......Rick took off his shirt, then when I said "cold" he tried to put it back on but Janet wanted to put it on and grabbed it. And they began a tug of war with the shirt. When Rick finally got his shirt away from Janet, he put it on ....backwards. And wore it like that the rest of the night. In the meantime Kathy and Craig were huddled together for warmth.
*"You now have some very sticky candy in your mouth. It is very gooey and sticky and it is stuck all over your teeth and the roof of your mouth. It will be very difficult to talk, but you will want to answer my questions." (their efforts to talk were hilarious!)
*"Now you smell a very disgusting smell. It is someone in the audience. You need to go out and figure out who it is.....don't worry--they don't mind if you get close and sniff them."
*"There are hundred dollar bills all over the floor....you get to keep whatever you can scoop up....you will want to stuff them in your pants, shirt, etc." They begin running around grabbing up imaginary bills. (I had to stop this part of the show when Craig and Kathy began fighting over the "money")
*You have lost your belly button. Go out in the audience and look around for it.....ask the audience some questions ---maybe they can help you find it. Rick to audience members: "Have you seen my belly button? It's this color (points to his skin on his arm). I really need to find it---my mother gave it to me." Kathy: "Hey---I know you two people have my belly button! I was sitting in this chair earlier, right here where you are sitting, and I had it then!"
*"When you hear the music medley, you will dance in whatever style music is being played. You are in a dance contest so you will want to use your very best dance moves." I then play a series of music.....disco, ballet, country, Irish riverdance, heavy metal.....(the ballet was the best when Craig began twirling and then leaping through the air)
*I have them take off their shoes and I place them in a large pile in the middle of the room. "Your shoes are now phones. When you hear the phone ringing you will run to the phones and try to find the one that is ringing. You have an important call so you need to find the right phone. (ringing sound begins) They all run from shoe to shoe picking them up and saying "hello", til the ringing stops.....then they have their "important call". (Kathy had a job interview and Craig was talking to his Commander)
*"You are in a band and you are about to play to thousands of screaming fans!" I then hand out a blow up guitar, wooden spoons for drum sticks, sunglasses and wigs. When the music starts---they play!
Thank you to my wonderful volunteers~ without you there would be no show!

The grass is always greener in someone else's teeth

For me, Leicester Square is the heart of London. It is packed with people, street performers, park benches, restaurants, nearby theatres and more importantly, Ben and Jerry's. We hang out there often to people watch and eat icecream. So, there we were sitting on a park bench in Leicester Square when a gentleman in his 80's (or possibly 90's) sits down next to us. He is wearing an expensive looking tweed suit with a matching tweed hat. Expensive looking but also antiquated.....probably at least 50 years old (and most likely the first nice suit he ever bought). He looks over at Dallas----(now I have to tell you that everyone talks to Dallas---EVERYONE--on planes, in stores, on the street, in restaurants, and in Leicester Square.). So the nice elderly gentleman looks over at Dallas and says (in a very proper, nasally English accent), "Excuse me....but could I ask you a question?" I immediately turn away, smiling---I know something good is coming. Dallas answers "Yeah, sure." (Now I am really smiling). The man goes on, "I just had a salad and I was wondering if I have anything green stuck in my teeth". He then bares his teeth at Dallas in a large grimacey-smile. At this point I am laughing out loud and really not trying to hide it. I also notice that a young guy on the bench across from us has been listening in and he too is laughing. We catch each other's eye and we begin laughing harder. Meanwhile next to me Dallas is closely examining Mr. Tweed's teeth looking for signs of greenery. "Nope, looks good" he remarks. "Why thank you", says Mr. Tweed, who then spends 30 minutes discussing how he hates to go anywhere with green in his teeth, and how the place around the corner does not know how to make a proper salmon sandwich, and how he meets his friends for tea every day at a cafe' and how Henry always brings some lemon because some of them like lemon in their tea and this cafe' does not have lemon......etc. Later that day ---in Leicester Square again--another guy (this one wearing a cap with the original price tags still hanging on it) starts up a conversation with Dallas. He begins by giving him a lecture on how important it is to be positive in life (true) and ends with how lucky we are that the aliens have not abducted us (hmmmm....also true). I was waiting for him to get to the part about how the aliens use anal probes on their subjects. Fortunately he never got to that point....

Confessions of a Former Punk

OK OK...I admit it . I was one of them. A Punker, New Waver, whatever. I don't care what you say---we were cool. So here I am circa 1985. (and I am still Punked out deep down inside---which explains my draw to Camden Town. I really love those Camden Punks)

London, London

We just spent a week in my favorite city, London. It was so nice to be able to speak English when ordering in a restaurant or asking for directions instead of engaging in our usual frantic charades. We did the typical stuff you do when in London.....went to plays (Wicked, Jersey Boys, Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat), visited the Tower Bridge, hung out at Westminster Abbey, shopped on High Street, sat on the steps people-watching at St. Paul's Cathedral, rode the red double-decker buses all over, and went to the markets--Camden Town being our favorite. I was first in London almost 15 years ago and have been there a dozen times since. I am always amazed at how Camden Town has not changed one bit. It really is in a time warp.... punk-rockers with 12 inch mohawks, hard-core bald guys with tatooed heads, crazy girls with hot pink hair and everyone wearing wild (usually all black) clothes looking like they are on their way to a Halloween party. It was this way in 1984 and it is EXACTLY the same now. The hip in-crowd seems to be under the illusion that they are avant-garde and cutting edge. I wanted to tell them that they are actually dressing very old-fashioned, at least in a Camden Town sorta way. In any case, they are just as jaw-dropping interesting-looking today as they were 15 years ago. And perhaps that is the point they are trying to make. Now, in spite of all the punk-coolness going on in Camden Town, the rest of London seems oblivious to style and taste. About 90% of the people in London could be featured on the show "What Not to Wear". Just maybe this is exactly the reason that the Punks (or whatever they call themselves today) have stuck to the same style for 15 years......because it keeps them from falling into the current fashion statement of Today's London: the "I just blindly grab stuff out of my closet to wear" style, or the other style frequently seen--"Today at work they had a 'most hideously dressed' contest, and I WON!". But all of this just adds to the charm (and hiliarity) that is London. So for me--Camden Town is the real London.

hair today...gone tomorrow

a few hair tips for the europeans (or anyone for that matter):
*if you wear a comb-over, please do not drive a convertible with the top down. your 18 inch (now vertical) wall of hair just flaps all over the place .....not attractive and it upsets the kids (you could cause an accident)
*if you choose to go au naturel and not shave your legs, do us all a favor and DO NOT wear stockings. it is actually creepy to witness leg hairs long enough to be braided sticking through a sleek pair of stockings like a bunch of grotesque spider legs. (hey--even drag queens know enough to shave their legs when they wear stockings)
*if you go even one step further on the au naturel ladder ....and don't shave your armpits, then PLEASE do not become a hairdresser who prefers to wear tank tops. when i get my hair cut by you, it is disturbing to see more hair in your pits then on my head.
*if you have a hairy chest that resembles a tangled briar patch, please cut that mess! trim back the jungle mister! (by the way, the pet hamster you lost last winter......he's in there hibernating)

It's always nice to match your accessories (literally)

Berlin

We visited Berlin this year for the first time. we found that it really is like no other German city. all of the quaintness and cuteness is gone. it bears no resemblance to the half-timbered, flower-laden, lederhosen wearing German towns we have visited so many times before. Berlin is a big, modern city that has pushed its way into the future.....the two sides of the city are now blended and the wall that separated them is only a blurry line now, barely discernible. (actually there is line that now traces the path of the defunct wall). the East proudly displays capitalism on every corner, although it still has the imposing grey drab stalinesque communist architecture that seems to announce "hey, look! we were oppressed ....let's not forget that!". and just when you begin to wish they would tear those buildings down and build something more eye-pleasing, you go to the museum of the Wall and realize just how much Berliners have endured. and you then understand the importance of these reminders that lay around the city. and there are many reminders....many things to remember. Berlin was hard hit in WWI.....at the worst point of the inflation after the war, one dollar was worth about 4.2 trillion marks. (too bad I didn't get that exchange rate when I lived there!) after the first world war, they were ruled by the Third Reich and the Nazis, then post war, the city became divided--separated by an ugly uncaring concrete wall that ripped families, friends, and neighbors apart. half the city fell under a communist government. actually, the communists sorta had the right idea: everyone is equal....everyone has a right to the same benefits in life. however, as we all know, it takes more than one great idea to form a successful government. the vision of equality is a good one, but not when it is offered without freedom, without choice. you can still see some remnants of oppression in Berlin. they are very moving and sad and tend to feel like a slap-in-your-face-wake-up-call. however, what is very evident is that although Berlin has not forgotten its troubled past, it is moving full force into the future! it is exciting, lively, friendly, polished....you can feel the vigor of its people pounding around you as you walk the streets of this city that has endured, survived, and emerged. a true butterfly.

He asked: Who came up with the word "dingleberry"?

My answer: since you asked....dingleberry is a slang term for the unfortunate condition of fecal matter being caught in the hair or fur of an animal or human around the region of the rump or buttocks. it generally occurs when the afflicted are unable to wipe or remove excrement from the nether regions and the matter dries. they occur on animals, especially those with thick coats or with people who have the inability to wield toilet paper in an appropriate manner. animals such as long-haired cats, dogs and sheep may have to have the offending berries removed by trimming hair to prevent other nasty things occurring such as fly problems. humans (mostly male as they are the more hairy) can wax or shave the hair or learn to use toilet paper properly. another piece of advice is to use expensive toilet paper as it does not disintegrate and leave behind debris that may become dingleberries. using a bidet may also help. (hey....I have 2 in my house!)
oh wait.....you asked about the word origin!....well..the word is not featured in the Oxford nor Chambers dictionaries but the word dingle is, and may give some clue as to the word's origins.
there is also a Dingleberry Lake in California. odd but true.
and now----I bet he is sorry he asked!

PMS

whenever we hear those 3 letters we have a reaction. we instantly recall the most recent episode.....or the most debilitating one--rife with backaches, head-splitting migraines, cravings that are irrististable, punch-you-in-the-gut cramps, the urge to crawl into bed to hibernate and of course the sad-mad-glad rollercoaster ride. men too react to any utterance of those 3 letters......usually by running away.....fast. hey look---we can't help it. we don't exactly choose to have monthly psychotic episodes. but men just don't understand. and they are not exactly sympathetic either. my husband says my head spins around --(i think he likens me to the girl in The Exorcist). even if i try to talk about PMS, he puts up his hand and says "that sharing thing you're doing......don't do it." now i am certain if men had to endure PMS (even in its mildest form) it would be a different story. oh sure-- you can bet that we would have to listen to endless whining and complaining about the physical pain, and hear how insensitive we are to their plight, and we would have to make them special PMS chocolate meals, and their bosses (male of course) would give them special PMS sick days so they could stay home in bed, and they would send us to the store to buy their peenie pads and special male PMS medicine (invented and recommended by male doctors)....etc. yes, it would be a different world altogether wouldn't it.....

Mar 3

lunar eclipse
right now--at this very moment i am staring at the most beautiful moon i have ever seen. it is a rare full lunar eclipse and sun's beams are refracted through the earth's atmosphere bathing the moon in an amazing reddish glow---so very cool. europe is one of the continents with the best view of this incredible event. i hope you are watching it too....

hmmmmmmmmmmmm

he said "you have an ass like J LO"........i smiled. um...wait.....or did he say..... JELLO???!

food for thought

my PMS diet:
breakfast: chocolate drink, chocolate waffles with chocolate sauce
mid-morning snack: chocolate bar
pre-lunch snack: hershey kisses (as many as needed)
lunch: chocolate chip bread with chocolate spread, chocolate milk, chocolate cookies
mid-afternoon snack: chocolate wafer
dinner: chocolate casserole, mashed chocolate with chocolate gravy and chocolate pie a la chocolate mode

tips for 2009

Note to the French: chocolate is a dessert. cheese is not. please stop trying to serve it to me as one.
Note to Self: chocolate is not a meal. please stop trying to pretend it is.

New Year Goal

I am going to write my memoir....it will be titled~"my life with cat vomit"

why i am a night person

7:00 alarm goes off. hit snooze.
7:08 alarm goes off. hit snooze (can skip breakfast).
7:15 alarm goes off. push cat off head. hit snooze (can take a really quick shower).
7:23 alarm goes off. wipe cat drool off neck. hit snooze (can really hurry).
7:31 alarm goes off. crap. I'm going to be late! throw back covers. (cats go flying). jump out of bed.
7:38 finish quick shower. dig through ironing basket in hopes to find something with minimal wrinkles. find skirt and sweater.
7:47 dry hair. use extra gel as hair has static and little pieces are sticking up on top of head. (why do I have little short pieces of hair all over the top of my head?) realize that cat kneading head with claws every morning has probably caused broken hair. curse cat.
7:55 look for contact lens that has been inserted but somehow has disappeared into the nether regions of eyeball.
8:00 locate contact stuck to wrist.
8:02 put on makeup trying to ignore cats clawing at legs and biting ankles.
8:06 give up. feed cats.
8:09 back to makeup. what the...... oh great. where did that big red blotch come from? try unsuccessfully to cover red blotch with heavy makeup.
8:13 clean up cat vomit.
8:16 clean up additional cat vomit. curse cat.
8:19 put on tights. why is the crotch at my knees? dig through drawer for another pair. while putting on tights, fingernail punches through and makes big hole in thigh. put on skirt to see if hole will be covered. hole is just below hemline. curse tights.
8:23 frantically look through drawer for another pair of clean tights. find old pair in back of drawer. (only have hole in toe. fine)
8:25 get bag. look for keys in bag. no keys. search house for keys. no keys.
8:32 call husband's cell phone to ask if he has seen keys. he hasn't.
8:33 still no keys. consider calling in sick (could stay home and clean house that is now torn apart due to looking for keys).
8:35 find keys. (in coat pocket)
8:36 go to fridge for protein/health beverage to drink in car. grab drink. put drink back. grab snickers bar.
8:38 leave for work (late) with hair sticking up, wearing wrinkled skirt and faded tights, red blotch showing through makeup, coat covered in cat hair, and chocolate and caramel stuck in teeth.